Somewhere, something incredible is waiting to be known

November 26, 2009

In the past…

Filed under: All Filler No Killer — by Jen Somewhere @ 9:36 am

As part of my onwarding and upwarding, I’m gonna do a big list of all the negative crap I used to carry around. Joycelle has sent my Aura-Soma bottle and it should arrive tomorrrow, so I’m gonna dump all this bullshit now so it’s gone and I am ready to become awesome. (Can I also just say how awesome Joycelle is? She doesn’t pay me to gush about her, I don’t sent her huge amounts of money every week with the promise that she will fix me or cure me. I just really respect what she does and value her insight and think it will help me get where I want to be. She’s just like a friend, except with some super cool skills and knowledge!) This has the potential to get a little bit D&M, so if you’re not in the mood, tune in tomorrow for the post about the shiny,happy version of my ideal existence!

So, here’s the junk I used to do/feel/think:

In the past I used to feel worthless. I used to work in jobs that I didn’t like and that didn’t make me feel good or happy or that I was good at what I was doing. I used to let these sorts of thing take away my self confidence and feelings of being a worthwhile person. I used to be afraid of what people thought about me, because of past experiences. I used to be terrified that even my best friends secretly didn’t like me or would laugh at me behind my back. I used to be terrified that I would have no friends and be left all alone. I used to do things I didn’t want to do for the sake of pleasing other people. I used to believe that I would always be single and never meet anyone else who’d want to be with me. I used to believe that I wasn’t worth coming back for and that I was easy to walk away from. I thought that I was nothing special and easily replaced. I used to think that the actions of some people were a reflection of the value they put on me, because I was enough to motivate people to do negative things and I deserved these things. I used to let mean things that other people said affect me and make me feel bad. I used to believe that no one would ever have a crush on me, or want to do lovely things for me or spend their life with me because I just wasn’t worth all that time and effort.

I used to not look after myself properly. I used to mismanage my time, I used to eat badly and not sleep properly. I used to believe I didn’t deserve to have nice things or to be successful or fulfilled because I wasn’t worth it. I used to self-sabotage constantly so that I was constantly filled with extreme doubt and anxiety.  I used to let myself get so worried I’d be physically ill and not think that I deserved to feel any other way. I used to let my mind convince me that depression was ok because I didn’t have any reasons to be happy anyways. I used to think that I’d never achieve my dreams because I was too disorganized, unmotivated and unintelligent to make it happen. I used to think that I’d never be successful because I just wasn’t the right sort of person to achieve success. I used to be intimated by lots of people but I felt so low in comparison to them.

November 25, 2009

Shiny

Filed under: Everyday, Hobbies — by Jen Somewhere @ 10:10 pm

First Shiny: I ordered my Aura-Soma bottle today. Massively excited. Mostly just to see it, it’s just so beautiful and then it becomes magenta when the colors mix, so even more awesome. How can putting such beautifully colored stuff on you not be great for you? I expect to be richer, happier and more attractive in a matter of weeks :D

Second Shiny: I have a new barbel through one of my no-no places. Not in the lady garden region, I don’t want needles around there, thank you. One of the no-no places that boys have too, but girls are just less often seen showing them off in public. Why? Well, why not mostly. It looks awesome and seeing as I’m not getting any of that moment, an ideal time to have it all healing up. The lady who did it was very nice and good at distraction which I enjoy, but it hurt like a motherfucker. I felt the needle go in, the tube, the tube being trimmed, then the bar being threaded and the end screwed on. It wasn’t like unbearable or anything, but it wasn’t like a kitten sneezing. But having someone manhandle your boobage is rarely gentle, right? I only got one done to kick off with. I figure if I was horribly allergic or some other random affliction occurred, I’ve still got one nice one left. It’s not swollen, it’s not red or bloody or angry looking. It moved without sticking in the shower and didn’t sting when I cleaned it, I predict no trouble as previously piercings that have been trouble were angry from the get go. I did get a 50% off card so the second one is tempting. I’ll give this one a few weeks to sort itself out then I’ll set my sights on the other. It looks awesome, if I do say so myself. I would post pictures but I don’t really want pics of my rack circulating on the internet at large. If I could find some way of doing a private gallery or something, I’d consider it, but is that kinda creepy? Does anyone even want to see such things? There is no chance I’m just gonna link randoms, but if I know you then it’s cool, I anticipate showing interested parties in person so it’s not like ultra weird, right? Ahhhh, the great boobie pic debate of 2009.

In un-shiny news, I saw A Christmas Carol 3D today. It was so fucking odd, I imagine it would make more sense if you were really high or similarly altered. It’s also rather terrifying and there is absolutely no chance I’d be taking a child to see it. I do like 3D movies though, they advertised a Toy Story 1 & 2 double feature in 3d, I’ve never seen number 2 so it would be several kinds of fantastic. The over-inflated BCC movie price for 3D films were justified by the 3D previews, but only just. There is also no chance I’m recycling my 3D glasses either, bitches, not when I had to pay for them in the first place.

November 23, 2009

Upwards

Filed under: All Filler No Killer, Business-y Stuff, Hobbies, Lady Loving — by Jen Somewhere @ 8:17 pm

I’m clawing my way out of the rut, little baby steps in the right direction.

I’ve decided to try some Aura-Soma with Joycelle (my all round go-to-gal). A while ago during a reading she had me pick some bottles, one of the ones I picked was like an indication that “your heart is still too overwhelmed by lack of true love to be open to receive direction yet”. This is totally spot on, unrequited love was also mentioned and everyone knows if there is one thing I excel at, it’s loving someone who can’t or won’t or just doesn’t love me back. I’m still bogged down in it. I’m not in love with Miss Jones anymore, I had to stop that when she moved overseas for my own sanity. There were a couple of revelations this weekend (let’s say) which would have absolutely destroyed me if I hadn’t done this, so I’m really glad I did but I still love her. I still need more distance from her, I need to try and believe I can meet someone else and be happy with someone else and I think this might help with that. It’s also related to a heap of other things, and my massive need to search out things or people or relationships to make me happy and feeling worthwhile because I can’t do it for myself.

I know it’s not for everyone and some people see it as a very expensive bottle of oil but I’m open minded and if nothing else it’s a really, really beautiful bottle of amazingly prettily colored oil, so that alone works for me. I was skeptical about crystals until they gave me a massive migraine and sucked all my energy because I was wearing too many and the wrong combination of them, so I am happy to see what happens with this.

In other news, I applied to uni next year. My grand plan is to be offered a place in the dual degree program, then if I get my market running properly, I could do one each weekend and then I could afford to not have to work during the week. Unless I have a whole day free the Magic Shop wouldn’t really work anymore because there is no real way that half day shifts would work. I actually love doing markets, I had such fun at the one I did earlier this month. I was much less terrified than I expected to be and I actually did pretty well considering the minute turn out. I imagine in an actual market setting I could do even better, it was exciting.

November 20, 2009

Retrospective

Filed under: All Filler No Killer, Everyday — by Jen Somewhere @ 8:32 am

I first started blogging in April of 2006. Seeing as it’s now November in 2009, that is about three and a half years of blogging. For a while there I was a post-a-day blogger so it really adds up to be mind boggling amount of my life that has been plastered over the internet.

The blogsphere has changed to much in that time. All of the bloggers who were around when I first started have almost all dropped off the radar. Many of the bloggers I used to read (or still do read) are no longer anonymous writers but are people I count as some of my closest friends. I’ve been published in a book, referenced in assignments, and told you the stories of my day to day life, however insignifcant or mundane.

For the last couple of weeks I was seriously considering walking away from this. Surely, at 26, now I should be doing something more worthwhile. No one will want to read my shit anymore, right? This morning when I logged into WordPress for the first time in weeks, and checked my stats for the first time in many months, I was surprised to see my hits. I get between 50 -70 hits a day. I know for most bloggers that number would hardly be an incentive to open their laptops, but that number blows me away. I’ve had my glory days of a couple hundred hits a day but I truly believed that no one aside fom Jac (whom I speak to at least every couple of days) and Miss Jones (whom I don’t catch online often) checked the blog anymore.

I think in the last few months I have been sliding into a rut. I thought I had sorted it all out a couple weeks ago but that was hugely premature.  Nothing is massively wrong, but nothing is right either. After a great first couple of weeks, I’ve let my store go to shit, I gave up bootcamp because it was making me unhappy but haven’t replaced it with anything else yet, I’ve been wasting a massive amount of time online because it seemed far too difficult to do anything worthwhile.

I’m gonna apply for uni next year. Back as an undergraduate to do creative industries majoring in fashion with a minor in creative and professional writing. Might also combine it with a Bachelor of Business. It will be useful for my business to do these things, and I’ve just always wanted to, so why not, right? I’m gonna get my business back on track and start creating again. Not making stuff makes me fee bad, and when I feel bad I can’t create things but I’m just gonna start off and make some shit stuff until I get my flow back. Gonna sort out what I am eating too. I have become super lazy and I’m not eating well or properly and it makes me feel like shit and when I feel like shit I don’t want to be bothered to do anything. If I eat lots of carbs or dairy my tummy bloats and I feel ugly so that doesn’t help anything either. I’m just kind of stuck in a cycle of feeling bad, doing things that don’t make me feel any better because I can’t be bothered to do anything else and thus feeling worse.

So yeah, I’m just gonna get back on track. I know shit won’t sort itself in a week, but one foot in front of the other in the right direction is better than doing nothing. Not sure what the point of this post was really? I suppose it was just a check in, for me and anyone else who checks by here. I know stuff has been shit, it’s also been shit off the blog as well so it’s not just this that has suffered, but I’m trying to get stuff back on track.

Bear with me.

 

 

November 9, 2009

Mini Filler

Filed under: All Filler No Killer — by Jen Somewhere @ 8:01 pm
  • This is the FOURTH birthday I’ve spent with my blog! It’s far and away my most long term relationship. Who would have thought in 2006 I’d still be plugging away? Certainly not me!
  • So, yes, birthday. Kind of a massive non-event. Spent some time on FB, playing Solitaire and occasionally doing some actual work at the Magic Shop. I lost power for an hour or so in the morning, so I sat at the counter and read a magazine. Tough life, right?
  • I am so fucking tired, so I’ll give you the highlights and elaborate in the next couple of days. 1) Did a market, it was tiny but good. I’m inspired to do a proper one now. 2) Tattoos this week, EEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeeeeeee 3) Party this week, double EEEEeeeeeeeeeeeeee 4) Earning money is great 5) I am busy!

October 30, 2009

A Unique Investment Opportunity

Filed under: Uncategorized — by Jen Somewhere @ 6:47 pm

Earlier this week, before I found out I was employed, I had a cry on FB about having to cancel my birthday tattoo. A beautiful fellow blogger suggested I might put a donation button on my blog, so interested parties could throw me a couple of bucks. While the idea that other people would want to part with their money simply for something I want is totally lovely, it didn’t quite sit right with me. The idea of asking people for money just makes me feel so bad!

During the week a couple of other people mentioned they’d also be keen, and that I should do it. In the past, quite a few people have overpaid when buying things from my shop, simply because they just like the blog and wanted to do something nice and pay an extra few bucks. However, let me be the first to announce there are far more worthy causes than my frivolous wants and needs. People can’t afford medicine and food and things, so I do actually realize how incredibly privileged I am simply by being born a white person, living in a capital city in Australia. On the other hand, who am I to dictate what people spend their money on? I wouldn’t want someone to tell me what to do with the money I earn, and I can spend it as I please.

Let me explain my idea. I am going to get my half sleeve on my left arm started in a couple of weeks. It’s going to be candy/cupcake themed and is going to be super bright, happy, colorful and girly. I have left it in the hands of my very capable and talented tattoo artist as to the ultimate placement and arrangement of things, but I trust his ideas so it’s all fine. In between the larger pieces, I am going to have smaller “filler” type stuff – little candies, maybe some stars, just stuff I like that will add to the overall fun of the piece as a whole. This has always been the plan, it’s been in the works for months and has been booked for several weeks now, so it has always been something I was going to do.

So here’s what I am suggesting. As a purely optional pursuit, you may donate to the tattoo fund. You can donate $1 or $1000 or anything in between, or nothing at all. Any donations won’t buy my friendship, respect, loyalty, links to your blog, pimping of whatever you are trying to sell or anything like that.  I’m friends with my friends, I respect people who deserve respect and I’ll link you if are you cool (although, I am severely overdue to update my links, so I may well link you if you donate, but I may also link you if you don’t!). For donations of $40 or more, I am offering a unique experience for you to be part of my arm. If you donate $40 or more, I’ll let you choose 1 piece of candy to include as filler in my half sleeve. It will just be 1 piece of candy (like an M&M, jellybean, gummi bear, etc), it can be whatever color you like so long as it’s bright and colorful (and my artist has the color) and will be no larger than 2cm x 2cm. There is no claiming placements or anything like that, if you want a candy it will just be put whatever the artist thinks it will look best. You don’t get to write shit on the candy, you don’t get to choose random objects and nothing weird or creepy or anything like that. You get to pick one small piece of candy, choose a traditional color for said candy (no polka dotted jellybeans, for example) and have it included somewhere in the half sleeve. If you want to donate and don’t want to pick anything that’s ok as well, I won’t force anyone to do it :)

The link is below, if you’d like to donate, please go ahead. If you don’t want to, simply read on, no hard feelings. Whether I get no donations or 1503 donations, I’m gonna get this tattoo, this will simply provide some additional funds towards to project. If you donate and “buy” a candy, I’m happy to post you a picture of it once it’s all done and colored so you can have some evidence of your “purchase”, if you’d like that just leave your address in the comments section in PayPal.


***If you want to hate, please just jog on. I don’t care to hear it. If you don’t like tattoos, don’t donate. I am a consenting adult of legal age. I have several other tattoos and I will get more after this piece. I have my work done in a clean, licensed parlor by an amazing, experienced artist whom I trust completely. I am prepared to be an old lady with a wrinkled, droopy half sleeve. I understand the impact this may have on employment opportunities. I know only prostitutes and drug dealers have tattoos, and no nice boys will want girls with tattoos. I don’t know why I want to permanently mark myself, it’s not because I hate my parents, it’s not to try and be cool and it’s not to look tough. I guess I just like something that the majority of the population doesn’t seem overly keen on, but that doesn’t make it wrong or bad, it just makes it different. My skin, not yours. ***

October 27, 2009

Filed under: Everyday — by Jen Somewhere @ 5:24 pm

So, you remember how a while ago I talked about how much I’d like to work at a cupcake store? Encouraged by that idea, I visited the site of my spiritual home and decided to just go ahead and see if they needed staff. I sent off my resume and an impassioned plea (vaguely disguised as a cover letter) and waited. After a couple of weeks I figured that they weren’t interested and were probably working out how to arrange a restraining order so that the obviously crazy person could never email them again.

Alas, today, I got a call. I’ll give you a small, direct quote from our conversation, “Well, we aren’t at all interested in your resume, but you just so enthusiastic and excited about the business, we’d really like to meet you”. It’s not all sunshine and pudding, they want someone full time which I would have happily leapt at but this morning I was lucky enough to nab a job on Mondays and Tuesdays, which clashes with their wanting someone from Tuesday to Saturday. I told them that if they could work around those two days then I’d still be more than thrilled to work with them so I guess we’ll just see. Personally, I’d make an exception in my plan for someone who was going to be a super great employee, but who knows. She said she may be in contact later in the week after she’d spoken to her daughter (the owner, I believe). Fingers, toes, eyes, ears, hair and anything else you can possible cross crossed, OK? I was almost tempted to blurt out, “It’s OK, how about if I just pay you guys to let me come in and hang around every day, please!?!” But I managed to keep my cool, albeit only slightly.

So there, in a day I’ve gone from gainfully unemployed in the traditional sense, to having one job with another offer possibly being laid on the table. I’d happily do both jobs, I’d happily work six days a week because the key here is both jobs are really awesome. The job I got today is in an incredibly niche market so I’m gonna refrain from mentioning it on here because it would be about the second in Google results, so let’s just call it a Magic Shop. Magic Shop work involves a great deal of sitting on my ass, passing the time and a small amount of actual work. It’s also a job that has absolutely nothing in the way of formal policies about dress or appearance or anything like that so I can cover myself with tattoos and wear jeans to work and no one will bat an eyelid. I mentioned in the letter to the Cupcake Folk that I am getting a half sleeve featuring a cupcake for my birthday so they know straight up that I am a tattooed person and I can’t imagine it would be any issue for them to have a member of staff permanently marked with their own product.

Becoming employed mean I can still get the tattoo, but not the day I planned (since it will be a work day for me). That’s totally alright though, I am happy for my 26th year to start off by working to pay for something I want, that works for me just fine. I can’t even think about how great 26 would be if it involved working with cupcakes, it makes me smile really big and I have to resist the urge to squeal when I think about how great it would be. Honestly, clearing tables or doing dishes would still be great when surrounded by cupcakes. How could you have a bad day when you work in an environment like that?? You couldn’t, it would be physically impossible.

If I was lucky enough to work both jobs it would also mean I could afford to move out AND the locations of each job mean that I could live in a cool suburb AND it would be actually convenient and reasonable! Of course this is all based on the shiny happy version of these possibilities, but even if the cupcakers don’t want me I still have a job now and that means I can get my tattoo so yay, anything else is a bonus :)

October 22, 2009

All Filler, No Killer

Filed under: Business-y Stuff, Friends, Lady Loving, Tattoo, self-indulgent whining — by Jen Somewhere @ 10:16 pm
  • Yes, dots again. I’ve got too many random things to talk about to even try an attempt a logical post.
  • First of all, the magnificent Jac has simply proven my suspicion that she is the most awesome, wonderful, totally excellent dude in the entire universe. I was totally bummed because the next time I was due to see her was April next year because she’s going to Europe for most of the school hols leaving no time for a side trip. Her solution to this was to book me flights to Melbs so we can spend the weekend before she pisses off to London. It’s such an amazingly generous thing to do and just another reason why I’d have little hesitation in becoming conjoined to her. It would be the best fun EVER!
  • Another big shout out to Enny! Or, should I say, soon-to-be Mrs The Hun. Indeed, the big day is on Saturday and whilst I might not be there in person, I’ll be all over Enny and her BMs. (Literally, even up her dress! I made the garter ;) I know she will be radiant and I really hope their special day goes off without a hitch and heralds the start of a very long and fantastic life together!!
  • Bootcamp is going ok. My trainer reckons my running is improving but I’m pretty sure she’s just being nice. I’m massively fitter than I was, and recover quickly after doing stuff but I’m still not super strong or fast. It’s lucky I don’t want to be an elite athlete, huh?
  • Miss Jones? She’s still gone with no signs of coming back. It’s just over two months now that she’s been gone and it feels like two years. Pretty much want her to come back as much as ever, but I’m dealing with the fact it’s probably not going to happen. I always said I’d give her three months then kinda need to walk away for the sake of not being pathetic forever. I don’t know if it will be quite that easy, but you know. Plus, I don’t even know for sure that she wants things to go back to how they were. She hasn’t said otherwise, but if she does come back, maybe she’ll want to do everything different. Still totally heartbreaking, but I think I’m closer to accepting you just don’t always get what you want, kind of the “too bad, so sad” thing. Heaps of people don’t get the things they want, even if they do want them super badly, so there is no reason why I should be the exception to that rule. As D’Brother loves to say “You can wish in one hand and shit in the other and see which one fills up first”, obviously wishing with all my might is not going to change anything, so I might as well start dealing with the reality of things.
  • Shop is going pretty well. Got my first stranger sale today, a batch of buttons ordered by an international law firm (of all places). Not a massive order, but still a bulk order and still from a place that could potentially bring me a bunch of business. Fingers crossed! Still doing a fair amount of custom work as well. Not content with that, I’m also applying for two consignments – one with a bricks and mortar shop and the other with an online boutique, and I’m doing my first market on Nov 1st. If you’re a Brisbane kid and you wanna come along, hit me up and I’ll give you the details! It won’t be massive event but I’m kinda glad about that, nice to ease into it and all.
  • I’ve decided on a haircut and it’s fairly out there, but would you expect anything less from me?? It’s also the fast train to unemployable at least until it grows out a little but it’s just even more incentive to make the business work. AKA Togninis is closed this week for renos so I have to wait until next Tuesday for the cut and it can’t come soon enough, my hair is feral!
  • Also, have gotta cancel my tattoo. This absolutely rips my heart out but I can’t afford to start a $800 tattoo right now. I’d hate to have it outlined and then wait six months to get it colored so I’ll just have to postpone it for a while. If anyone wants to buy $800 of stock right now, I won’t fight you, in fact, there is every chance I will pash you and dry hump your leg. I really, really want that tattoo so badly. It’s become so much more than just ink on skin, it’s the physical manifestation of doing something I truly love even though it might not be everyone’s cup of tea and I so desperately want that to be a part of me forever. Seriously, I am absolutely mourning the fact it has to be put off, but what can you do? You don’t always get what you want, even if you want it super badly. True Love, if you a reading and want to do a freebie half sleeve, I’ll be eternally in your debt. In fact, I’d even get your logo tattooed on me (not my forehead, obviously, gotta protect the money maker, but someplace else fo shiz!)
  • I have perfected the $4 car wash. I don’t like doing the bucket and sponge deal, it’s messy and I perpetually miss bits so it’s totally pointless. Instead, I go to on of those car wash places with the high pressure spray and foamy brushes and do it there. Being stingy I’ve fine tuned the washing process so I can pre-wash rinse, foam brush and high pressure rinse in six minutes/$4. Today I thought the machine was broken because I spent about 30 seconds pissing around and hosing at nothing after I was done washing. This pleases me far more than it should.

October 14, 2009

All Filler, No Killer

Filed under: All Filler No Killer — by Jen Somewhere @ 3:42 pm
  • I am so procrastinating right now. It’s not even really procrastination, I’ve realized it’s totally part of my self sabotage. The reason I don’t succeed at many things is because I don’t give myself a chance to. Right now, I’m convinced the business is going to fail. I’m not good enough at what I do to make this work, my products aren’t good enough, the people who buy from me are unhappy with their products – all that shit is running through my head right now. Just to top it off I’ve also added in a bit of “Miss Jones doesn’t want to be stuck with you, you are too unsuccessful for her, she wants someone younger and who is going places” as well as “You suck at bootcamp, you are the worst at everything and you’ll never get better at it”. When all those horrible things are playing on a news reel through your mind, it’s pretty hard to find the motivation to do any work, it all seems in vain. I understand that those things aren’t necessarily all true and that by thinking those things it has the potential to create a self fulfilling prophesy but I can’t shake it at the moment. I know it’s just a low period. I major in anxiety, but I also hold a minor in depression. The lows I experience aren’t super low, crushing ones, they are just like I feel right now. Unmotivated, uninspired, incredibly self-conscious and self critical and desperately keen to cut myself off from the world. Monday I couldn’t bring myself to go to bootcamp but I managed to show up yesterday and this morning. I couldn’t handle the chiro this afternoon so I canceled that. This weekend I have committed to go to one of those cosmetic type parties held by one of the girls at bootcamp. I don’t particularly care to go but I am going to make myself because I need to, basically. I’ve also been invited to show off the things I make at the party. This makes me incredibly nervous because it puts me in the position to be judged, but I need to do it.
  • In other news, my hair is getting super long. I don’t trust myself to have it cut right now, because I feel so shit about myself I don’t think it would be as good as it could be, so I’m going to leave it for a little while. I don’t know whether to keep it short again or let it get a little longer. It’s long enough to put in wee ponytails now which is the longest it’s been since Japan!
  • I have a job interview on Tuesday. I’m terrified and convinced I’m not going to get it despite the fact I’m wildly over qualified (kinda like employing a race car driver to chauffeur the model cars that drive around to a pre-determined track at Dreamworld). It’s right by my house and only a few hours a week so it would be ideal so I’m gonna try and be the shiny happy future employee they want. I may feel like shit but I’ve become quite skilled at acting fine.
  • Queensland is HOT. We’ve had pretty well no spring this year, winter kind of finshed and went straight into summer. I feel quite cheated, I adore spring! Spring means “birthday!!” but now it’s already so hot it feels like late December. Fail, Queensland Weather, fail.
  • I’ll admit something that makes me a creep, so I want you to do the same in the comments (or else!). I love Christmas time at the shops, I love the shitty, garish decorations being put up, I love the magic of it all. Last year it didn’t feel like Christmas because I was alone, it was cold and I was in Japan and they just do things different over there. Anyways, the best thing about Christmas stuff coming to shops? Tinsel. Specifically the smell of tinsel. That smell of foil makes me giddy with excitement. It reminds me of when I was little. For the record, the long fringe-y tinsel smells better than the traditional bushy, ropes of tinsel. The benefit of the long fringe is that you can stroke it and stuff. On one or more occasions I may have bought a packet of that tinsel just to play with…

October 10, 2009

New Directions

Filed under: Uncategorized — by Jen Somewhere @ 7:46 pm

I’ve been wanting to write about this for like a week now, but I don’t really know how to start off so I’ve been putting it off. I think I’m gonna go with dots, just because it’s all confusing and stuff so this is probably the easiest way:

  • Miss Jones and I are failing at being broken up.
  • When she met “someone”, I didn’t really care to concern myself with the details and assumed the someone was a “Someone” and they were weeks away from moving in together and getting dogs.
  • That was actually not the case.
  • After being particularly lame and feeling fundamentally shaken by her leaving, I finally told her that I miss her heaps and still pretty well feel the same as I did about her while she was here.
  • Turns out Miss Jones is on a similar page.
  • So now? Well, nothing is different. I still don’t want her to come home until she’s ready, she still won’t come home until she’s ready but it’s become obvious that neither of us is really ready to just walk away from the idea of “us”. If she comes back in the near future, wild horses would not stop me from running, crying, all the way to the airport if I had to. Once there, I think we would need to construct some sort of adult size baby sling because it’s most unlikely that I would release my vice-like grip on her for at least several days so strapping myself to her would be the most practical option. The mere thought of her coming back makes me all misty-eyed so I generally can’t think about it for too long, lest I burst into tears.
  • The idea of us ending and moving in new directions sounded all good in theory, but in practice? Not so much. How do you fall out of love with someone that you love with every molecule of your body, when they’ve done nothing to make you feel any different?? I’m sure that it would probably be the smart idea, to just cut your losses and move on thusly preventing any chance of future heartbreak, but I just can’t do it. Maybe I will end up crushed if Miss Jones ends up landing an awesome job and never planning on coming home. I am very, very aware of the risk I am taking by being just a little bit madly in love with someone who is living on the other side of the world for an indefinite period. I know there is every chance that things may just crash and burn and I’ll end up sitting in the shower crying my eyes out for a couple of weeks, but despite all of that, I still can’t do it. I can’t walk away, I am way too invested in her so I don’t even care. I’d rather risk having my heart broken than missing out on a chance, however unlikely it may be, to be with her.
  • Just for some added lame, I’m all gushy about her at the moment. I get all excited and butterflies-in-the-tummy when I get an email from her or see her come online. I guess because it’s sort of returned to the “ooh, I wonder how much she likes me” days that it’s all fun and exciting. I google “time in London” several times and day and wonder what she is doing (I know I could just remember the time difference, but I don’t). I talk about her to anyone who’ll listen, think about her all day every day and get all excited about being able to tell her the mundane shit I do. Whoever came up with the “distance makes the heart grown fonder” stuff, really knew his shit.

I know some of you lovely people who are solely concerned with my well being are going to see this as an epic disaster which will only be a matter of time until a big crash and burn. I totally appreciate the concern, but I know what I am doing and I’m jumping in with my eyes wide open. While there is the chance things will go badly, there is also just as much chance of a happily ever after. I am absolutely willing to take that chance, however small. Turns out I really can’t just walk away from her, from us.

<3

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