Somewhere, something incredible is waiting to be known

After lunch with the girls I feel at least eight million times better.

I am normally a bottler, I will normally only share with Bestie what my problem is after I have pretty much worked out how I think I can fix it. When A (and now Textgirl) have our lunches it’s normally a chance to share all the stuff that is happening at the moment with us, I’ve mentioned before that I’m mad at the Ex, but today I sort of vented about how I’m really mad he just dumped me on MSN, and how there was no discussion. Things were too hard, OK, you are dumped. I am mad and hurt about how he made me feel, and I actually told people that in real life.

The girls were so good about it, they understood how I felt, and agreed that I feel how I should in that situation. I feel like I need to scream at him so he understands how much he hurt me, because I’ve never told him all of this. They agreed they would also want to, and that I should do it. I wont, because I don’t want to be that tragic Ex Girlfriend, but I’m so glad other girls understand me. I also said how he makes me feel when I see him in person so I’m glad the other girls know that now, too.

I still hate sharing stuff with real life friends, I am always convinced people are just going to hate me for dumping all of this on them. I think I do a fairly good job of listening to other people when they have problems and trying to offer useless suggestions so I really hope it all balances out.

What I do know for sure it that is physically feels like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders after letting someone else in on what I’m thinking.

I am also super excited because 365 Days is forcing me to use my camera in better ways. I played with it last night and discovered all of these awesome features like self timer, sepia, black and white, positive color and SUPER MACRO. All of my jewelery photographing problems are solved, I could never photograph it the way I want because I didn’t think my macro was good enough, but SUPER MACRO fixes everything.

Sigh. Everything is much better, still no money but that will be alright. Denny is still dead on Grey’s Anatomy but I can still love him because he’s not real so I can choose to believe he lives on in other TV shows. If I was to meet some lovely, young, rich boy  with no stupid issues with being decent to girls though, things would be positively brilliant.

One step at a time though, I guess

** If you didn’t watch Grey’s Anatomy last night, you might want to move on until you’ve watched it, I don’t want to spoil it for anyone **

I still don’t know if I should post this. Some of you (who don’t know me well) "Hmmm, D’Jen what a well rounded young person, let’s read on" but I think most of you are now more like "Hmmm, D’Jen, that girl is just a big bag of crazy, what is she up to now?". This post is for you big bag of crazy people, it’s only fair I share all of my crazy person moments.

Last night, I had a massive cry.

To be fair, it was Grey’s Anatomy‘s fault. More specifically, it was Denny’s fault for proposing in such a perfect, sweet, gentlemanly way I turned into a puddle of mush. From there, I was able to cry about topics which can be group into a number of key points:

Grey’s Anatomy. The dog got put to sleep, that terrible, terrible, nurse that George insists on pursuing was mean to him, Meredith and Derek hooked up again (for the love of God, NO! You’ve just gone and ruined everything, stop now!) and Denny DIED. I loved him so very very much. He seemed like such a nice guy (yes, I know he’s a character, I’m not that crazy) and he was so kind, and sweet and lovely and Izzy said how he makes her not feel like just a pretty girl. So many things to cry about, and now I have to wait until EARLY 07 to get some closure!

The Ex. To be completely honest it’s not really him as such, it’s all the things surrounding him. When I got dumped I went straight to "No, no, I’m fine, it’s super, never been happier, yay for being single" and I didn’t give myself much of a chance to be upset about it. I am really glad we aren’t together anymore. He was is not a very nice person, and is so very clearly not the boy for me. I am still really upset that he couldn’t dump me in person. I am very hurt he saw me that morning, pretended everything was fine, then pulled the rug out from under me when I was home and on MSN. I’m frustrated that he doesn’t even seem to care that he can be so thoughtless and mean.

There are so many things I mad mad at myself for putting up with.  He told me what I could and couldn’t wear on a number of occasions,  one time I wouldn’t listen to he physically took the top off me and wouldn’t give it back to me so I had no choice but to wear something else. He never called me by my name, but only "woman". He said it was a joke but I now realize it’s a sign of how much he respected me. He used to say things about hurting me and I’d say that it’s not a nice thing to joke about, but he’d always brush it off. In writing this I can’t understand why I didn’t slap him and walk away, I would be the first person to insist someone leave their partner if they were doing this but why couldn’t I see it? Does it mean that I don’t even know how I should be treated? What if next time it’s worse, will I still be stupid enough to just ignore it?

I was glad when we broke up this time because I had closure on the years of angriness I carried around about how things ended last time, but now I don’t think it’s over. I can recognize that most other guys are not this pathetic and wouldn’t do this stuff, so I guess it’s something. I don’t think I can ever be friends with him again, I am starting to feel sick about seeing him on the weekend. I hate that he still does this to me.

Money. I have none, I don’t know how I’m going to get more. I’m so mad at myself for leaving a perfectly good job. I’m mad at myself for believing that I would get as many hours with the new job. I’m mad that I’ve arranged all these holidays that I can’t afford now. I don’t know what to do. I know my parents won’t let my bills go unpaid or anything, and for that I am very grateful, but I hate feeling so useless. I clean and do little things almost all day every day because I feel so useless at the moment. I don’t know whether to just cancel all my holidays and get a servo or telemarketing job just so I am not being so useless. I wanted to go to Mooloolaba so badly but I just don’t think it’s a choice anymore. I’ve tried to ignore it for weeks now but I feel horribly, horribly useless. I’m really mad at myself, I feel like I should get a terrible job to punish myself for being so stupid.

So that’s the main stuff. I thought I was finally getting my shit together, but no I was wrong about that too. The crying last night was the kind of crying where you just can’t breathe and can’t stop even though you really want to calm down. I knew I was feeling quite useless and a bit sad but I didn’t know it was all simmering so close to the surface. I don’t even like crying. I especially hate crying in front of people. I have cried in front of people four times in the past six or so years. I cried when I fell down the stairs and twisted my ankle, I cried because I was so scared in hospital last year when I had to have blood taken, and I’ve cried at the funerals of my uncle and granddad. That’s it. None of my friends have seen me cry, The Ex has certainly never seen me cry. I hate crying, but I now realize it’s that or just self implode so crying is the much saner option. 

This time I don’t know how to fix things. I can always fix things, I am really good at sorting myself out, but this is above me. Is getting a bad job a good way to punish myself for being stupid or is it just going to make me feel even worse about myself? How can I let go of being so angry at myself and The Ex and just get over it? I’m still so mad that he dumped ME. I did nothing and he still dumped me. That’s not fair, I don’t deserve to be the one who got dumped. Should I just accept a couple of poor months? I can’t even keep working after Christmas anyways, so I don’t even know where you get a job for a month and a half. Should I just rack up a bit more CC debt and worry about it next year for the sake of staying sane.

I feel like my brain is working in two independent parts. I am perfectly capable of understanding the logic behind things. I shouldn’t get into debt, it’s a bad thing and I will carry it for years. I understand that it’s probably normal to be mad about being dumped, especially because I’ve tried to ignore the feeling for months now. Even though I understand this though, I still can’t reason it to myself.

I’m scared I might have finally just broken myself. I can’t fix this and I need help. How can I just make everything OK?  Does anyone even understand these feelings? Am I the only person who’s this crazy? Just comment and tell me ANYTHING.

• I am so excited for Tuesday, I am having the A’s and Textgirl over for lunch. I have lunch with the A’s atleast once a week but it’s very exciting to have a new lunch friend, and Textgirl is so excited to have girlfriends in Brisbane so it all works out very nicely. I am going to make two different kinds of sandwiches for the occasion. It may not sound like much but I cannot cook, I can’t make food to save my life. I did a trial run of one of the sandwiches on Saturday and it turned out yummy. I also made corn fritters (my new most favourite food EVER) and I also made Morrocan mince meat skewer things tonight (they were nicer then they sound, they are from a cooking magazine, it’s a legitimate recipie).
• Despite my culinary triumphs this weekend, I am slightly concerned. My horoscope said that I will injure, cut or burn myself this week. I have a feeling my new found confidence in the kitchen may end badly. If not that I am fairly unco at the best of times, so I might come to grief in another way. I really hope I don’t though, I have lots of lovely things coming up and I’d like to do it all in one piece.
• I bought some Palmers Tanning Moisteriser stuff the other day. I love Palmer’s Cocoa Butter, I tend to be rather lizard-y if I don’t moisterise often and I find this stuff really sinks in and keeps me nice and hydrated. Anyway, the sunless tanner seems to be starting to work, in my 365 photo I seem a touch darker today, and I know it did something because I have bright orange palms this morning, despite furiously scrubbbing my hands with baby wipes last night to prevent this from happening. If I do it daily until Saturday I should be slightly tanned and lovely looking so I can feel good at the engagment party. I swing from being entirely petrified of seeing The Ex again and really not caring about it. I don’t know why all of a sudden he’s so indimidating to me, I think it’s related to the tragic job siuation and me losing a bit of self confidence in general. I’m still awesome though, even more awesome if I’m slightly tanned. I’ll go to the gym every day this week to make myself feel better.
• I found a photo album/book thing I made during and just after High School. It’s such a trip to look through it, I’m friends with almost none of the people in it anoymore, except for the Ex and a couple of his friends. A and I have been filing in Textgirl about the stories from the group of boys her partner is friends with. Bestie and I have known them since Year Ten, and A has known the same boys since about Year Twelve (but funnily enough we never really knew each other then) then I stopped being friends with those people until last year, so between us we have lots of histroy to give Textgirl. I thought the photo book might be a nice touch so she can see what dorks we all were in High School.
• It was also weird looking through the photos, I have pictures from a school trip in Year Eleven with a girl who isn’t alive anymore. It’s kind of strange that someone so young is now no longer with us. She died in a really serious car accident the year before last (it was a total freak accident and no fault of hers), I never really thought much of it. We were pretty close friends in High School but I hadn’t spoken to her since we graduated.
• I need to get a hiarcut this week. I need awesome hair again for the party so I can feel psychologically prepared to radiate self confidence on the weekend. I was also thinking of tinting my own eyelashes, I have seen the DIY kits in so many magazines lately, it’s tempting me. I reckon I could do it, I’m pretty smart, but on the other hand, might this be the way I injure myself?
• My birthday is soon, Bestie comes back soon, I go on holidays soon, so many exciting things, hooray!!

So, no work again today.

I realized this morning I kind of am being paid to be awesome. Well, not so much getting paid normally, but I am still getting money given to me for my awesome services. DelightfulMummy is rather enjoying having a full time housekeeper/errant runner. I don’t really mind, it’s not like I have anything better to do (except study, boooo).

This whole week I have been to the gym only once, I am SO tired all of the time, I have zero energy. I think it’s actually hay fever again because my eyes are screaming from the stinginess, and I just sneeze all day. I was worried I might have been getting lazy, but I do heaps during the days now.

Today I:

• Did all the ironing
• Did the folding
• Went to Bunnings
• Went to Big W
• Went the the bank
• Went to the Post Office
• Helped dig something in the back yard
• Held wood while DelightfulDad sawed it
• Swept our downstairs pavement

I still have to:

• Take some stuff to Vinnies
• Clean the oven
• Dust
• Tidy
• Photograph jewelery
• Put away folding and ironing
• Drop pants off at the dry cleaners
• Put on washing

If I keep going I don’t notice how tired I am, I will have to take some Berocca, I need a B-B-Bounce.

I have to get a haircut next week, my hair is about 1/2cm too long to look cool and I feel scruffy. I’m so lazy, I’m dreading having to catch a bus into the city, even though I used to do it a few times a week not even a fortnight ago.

This has to be my least favorite part of the day. I used to love mornings but now I hate having to pack a whole day’s activities until before 7:15am so I can call the recruiters, and see if I have work. Almost all of the time I don’t so I then have a whole day to do the things I pack into the time before 7:15am.

I want to work today because I need money, but I also don’t want to work, cause I love not working I still maintain my need to just be paid for being awesome at home, or a  sugar daddy, which ever comes first.

I was talking with the girls yesterday about the engagement party, everyone insists I should bring someone to make The Ex feel jealous. Firstly I don’t really care if he’s jealous or not, I am largely indifferent to what he thinks about me now. Secondly, isn’t it bad to need to take some random to a party so I look like I’ve found someone else?

A insists I take her (19 year old!!!) brother, but I’m certain it’s illegal for an almost 23 year old to associate with a 19 year old, he just seems so young! I told DelightfulMummy about it and even she reckons I should. I’m very not sold on the idea. Personally I think it’s much…healthier to show up to a party happy by myself than taking anyone to look better off than I am. All the girls will be there I am hardly going to be a true Nigel.

My Grandma called me on the weekend to gush about a girl I was best friends with in Year One. she got married on the weekend it seems and her picture was in the paper. My Grandma still thinks it’s a tragedy that I’m this age and not engaged. Trust me, I’m not thrilled with the idea I am so totally single, but being depressed about the fact is not going to make me anymore likely to find a husband is it? I’m just going to have to trust that it will happen one day, when it’s meant to. I’ll be very sad if I’m not engaged by 25/26, but that’s been my plan ever since I was 12. I would really like to get married in my late twenties, but I’m not certain it will happen.

Well, off to shower then check my fate for today.

I am really kind of cheesed with the recruistment company that I’m working with. I’m not laying blame with any particular person, but there has been a lot of stuff that I’ve been really disappointed with.

• I got a called from one of the ladied today saying she hasn’t heard from me in a few weeks and needs me to call her ASAP. I called and spoke to the same woman on MONDAY who clearly knows I have been in contact.
• I was told there would be work for me as many days as I choose to work. I’ve been available on five days now and have worked once, because there has been no work.
• I was told I could choose to do just Kindy/Preschool or both of those and childcare. I called today and one of the ladies was like "You can have a prefernce but the centre can still make you do whatever they need you to do, so it will probabaly be childcare".
• Everytime I call they just seem like they are trying to get you off the phone as quickly as possible.

I’m really starting to freak out about the lack of income. I knew it was a risk but I never expected it to turn out this horribly unsucessfully. I can’t even get another job right now because I have commited to exams,  three different holidays, and a summer semester plus prac. This means I can’t even really do a Christmas casual job because I have so many time which I can’t work, no one will employ me, that and the fact I have pretty much no retail experience.

I’m considering even a servo job. The position in which you are most likely to be attacked or robbed, but if this continues I don’t see many other options.

I can’t get mad at myself for leaving my other job, it’s done, it was a silly move and I know not to believe what employers say  next time. I will abstoluely admit it was foolish and niaeve but I can’t beat myself up about it every day because it will achieve nothing.

If anyone has any grand money making scheme fill me in. It literally only has to be for two months. Next year if it still isn’t working out I can get a another more stable job because I have no pracs, but right now I am failing to see any other options.

On a lighter note, I had an awesome lunch with A, EnagagedGirl and TextGirl. We had a massive bitch about all the boys, lots of gossip and secrets shared. God, The Ex annoys me to tears, he sounds to be behaving like a huge twit and everyone else is noticing it so it’s even better. Textgirl is so lovely, I really missed not seeing her. Her motives are totally legit  and her partner rarely sees The Ex anymore (more of his twit behaviour as they used to be like best friends) so I’m convinced there is no conspiracies in place.

The one thing I’m kind of…weird about is that everytime it’s mentioned to The Ex’s good friends that the girls still see me, it’s met with utter disbelief and awe. Like I’m that much of a leper they can’t believe anyone still talks to me. Poo to them, I’m a nice person and a good friend, the other girls do genuinely like me (they are upfront girls, they’d tell me if they didn’t like me) so I don’t care what other people think. I think they are more shocked that all parties have made the effort to stay friends rather than fade back into the ground like all the Ex’s and old friends have tended to do. I like these girls so I’m keeping them.

I’m off to research the financial benefits of selling organs on the black market and finding stuff to sell on eBay.

Well, after much deliberation I finally told my recruitment people I only want to do Kindy and Preschool, no childcare. Even thought my degree will enable me to be a Group Leader, child care is just not something which interests me.

I respect that pants off anyone who can work with tiny children, but it’s just not me. I might be a silly idea to cut down on the possible work I can be given, but I never want to work in childcare so I’d rather just get experience in Preschool and Kindy.

So, having said that, no work for me today. I’m kind of cheesed that everything I was promised when I first signed up with them is still yet to happen. I suppose it was a bit naive to just trust someone when they say "Yeah, we have more work than you could jump over, you can work every day of the week" without actually checking it’s true. Live and learn I guess.

I’m going to have lunch today with the A’s and possibly the girls who’s having her engagement party in a few weeks. I’ve already been to the gym (I’ve graduated to running for a minute and a half at a time, and my lungs don’t feel like they are going to explode when I start running anymore), so this morning I am going to drive into the city (booo!), find a park (double booo!) and go and fork out some of my dwindling cold, hard cash to make all this business stuff official.

It’s shaping up to be a rather productive day, which is good. This afternoon I might be a real, live business owner! Of a business which is actually doing business, which is even more exciting.

I was asleep by 8:30 last night. I went to bed planning to watch Spicks and Specks and the next thing I knew it was 11:30 and I woke up and my TV was still on. I have never fallen asleep in front of the TV, I remember thinking "Hmm, I’m pretty tired, I should turn this off and go to bed" but evidently I didn’t make it that far.

This morning I have entered a little place called The World of Pain. This is a place you go when you have not exercised properly in months and then return to the gym to pick up where you left off when you were super fit. My legs feel like cement and my stomach and arm muscles just hurt! It’s a good feeling though, at least I know I have done something worthwhile yesterday. I’m going to go back to the gym today though, and tomorrow, and Saturday. As much as I hate to admit it I’m not going to get back to being super fit by sitting at home on the Internerd, so I just have to suck it up for a while until I stop hurting.

I’ve decided not to work today, I’m fairly certain I have gastro after working with kids yesterday. I always get sick when I go back to working with kids after a period of working in a "clean" environment, my stupid girly immune system. There is a rumor around the Early Childhood traps that you spend most of your first year of teaching really sick until your immune system sorts out how to deal with the huge amount of bugs and germs which coat every surface. I am going to have to start with my Berocca, fish oil and vitamin C regime I took on Primary Prac which kept me disease free.

The Good:
I woke up at 5:45 this morning and was at the gym by 6:05. They have just one of this awesomely fun machine which is kind of like a stepper, but pushing out to the sides, kind of like ice skating. I actually wanted to rock up early to have a chance to play on that machine. When I arrived it was free but there was only a couple of treadmills lefts so I hopped on one of those instead to be sensible. It took me about two minutes to psyche myself up. I wanted to run so badly but I’ve always been to terrified to run in front of people, I’ve always been way too scared intimidated at other gyms. I’d been going for a while and two minutes was approaching and I just decided to do it. I put the speed up to about 7.5 and jogged. Actual jogging. I only did it for 30 seconds to begin with, I go thinking during my next walking bit that I was pretty sure I could run for longer than 30 seconds, so the next time I ran for a minute, then a minute the next time around. I know running for two and a half minutes is hardly anything to be proud of. It’s not even really the running I am so pleased with but the fact I just did it and didn’t talk about doing it anymore. I am also going to keep doing it until I get better at it.
I was smiling like an idiot after the first thirty seconds run, I am so happy I was brave enough to do it!

The Bad:
I worked my first day at the new job today. It was a babies room, full of babies! I knew I’d end up getting babies for my first day, it’s just my luck. Eight babies for seven and a half hours. If there was a tiny maternal spark burning somewhere deep within me, it’s been so very snuffed out. There was always someone who had to be feed or changed or put to bed or taken out of bed, it never stopped. I was fairly sure I wouldn’t like childcare but I wanted to try it so I could have an education option of it. I still don’t like it, I’m going to change my preference to be only Kindy/Preschool. I much prefer children who can walk and talk.

The Ugly:
Today I’ve come across more poo, wee, snot, dribble and tears than I can even bear to talk about. Thinking about it all pretty much makes me want to just curl up in the fetal position and cry. All I did was change nappies, wipe dirty noses and be cried on. That’s in between being sneezed on or my fingers sucked. I am certain I will be sick tomorrow because I had so many babies sneezing right in my face, so many running noses wiped on my shirt. I can smell poo everywhere. I came straight home and scrubbed myself but I can still smell it, it’s been etched into my sensory memory or something. I changed a nappy for the very first time today and I’d be very happy to never change another one ever again. I also bathed a baby (or seven babies, rather) for the first time ever. Not quite as psychologically scarring but still pretty happy to never do it again.

I am so effing tired now. I am so going to bed at like 8pm and I know I’ll crash. Running for the first time in over a year then standing and carrying babies around for seven hours isn’t a fantastic idea.

After all the hype about waiting to start work this morning, I called them about 7:15am and they were like "nothing for the Southside yet, we’ll call you when it comes through". So I waited until 9:30 before I called back and they told me it has been very slow this week so nothing available today.

I’m going to resist the urge to beat myself up for quitting my old job. It’s just one day, and it’s almost the end of the school year so obviously teachers and assistants aren’t taking time off school because it’s almost finished anyways. Maybe it was silly to quit before sussing out whether the stuff they were telling me about the volume of work they had was true, but it’s OK. If anything it will sort of make me do more with Meriki so it becomes a value source of income. I’m not manning the panic stations yet, it’s all OK.

I moved my induction into the gym to this afternoon. I thought I may as well take advantage of the unexpected day off. I’ve also made a fair few new Meriki pieces today, but I’ll photograph them another day because there is very little natural light today and I don’t like to use a flash.

I’m also going to start archiving my old Blogger entries onto Typepad. I don’t think I’ll take all of the earlier ones, they are very lukewarm but I’ll take the worthwhile ones across. I won’t bother deleting Blogger I don’t think, and I don’t want any other DelightfulJen’s moving in on my old turf.

I’m tossing up whether to pay for a Pro account or stick with basic? I could have a Meriki Blog if I went Pro, and the template is fully customizable then. Any thoughts? Lulu what do you have (if I may ask?)