Somewhere, something incredible is waiting to be known

• I’m Mac blogging again. I’ve been on my other laptop as I didn’t even think to purchase Office for Mac when I got the Macbook and as a result have needed my old computer to do assignments and have had to use the Mac for wasting time and blogging, so I haven’t used it in a few days because I was writing an assignment. The Mac is just harder to use than my Toshiba, the keys are spaced different, the trackpad thing moves slower and why can’t there be a right click button? It doesn’t even have to work, I just need it there. It like having two children, you grew to love the first one and you know how to work with it and now there is this new one, which is pretty good but different to the old one and you just don’t warm to it in the same way. I felt the same about my new car, it’s nice but it’s not my old car, and it never will be. I grow very attached to specific things which makes me quite sure I should never have two children because I don’t think I could love them equally.

• Why don’t Japanese takeaway places do more with tofu? They rock the tofu harder than any other cultural group, in my opinion, but I can never find it at the little take away places, it’s always chicken or beef. I miss Mr Samauri, I only ate there once when I was in Perth but it was the best tofu of my life, even if there was one in the city here I would go all the way there just for the tofu. I wandered around the food court at the shops today because I was desperately hungry and thought I’d buy lunch to celebrate that I’ve submitted one assignment. The offerings were quite pathetic and I left without buying anything. Hey! Food court vendors, vegetarians like more than spinach and fetta flavoured things, especially when it’s just tasteless mush encased in pastry of some kind. I’d really like some tofu stir fry type things or maybe a frittata made with happy chicken eggs? Not even onmi’s need to eat meat at every single meal, so I don’t even think anyone would really mind if there was some more decent meat free options around the place.

• I think these are really beautiful, so I might buy them. $5 for domestic postage seems exxy considering internationally it’s $3 but I do love them very much. They look like real toffee, don’t you just want to eat them?! Please don’t, because I would like to own them and really don’t eat them if I do buy them and they are currently in my ears when you see them. I am going to have to angst over it for a bit, I just bought a new pair of earrings today, they were only $8 but it seems so soon to buy yet another pair. (I don’t change earrings, I buy new ones and put them in and the old ones are taken out and left to die, so I need to get $8 worth of wear out of these new ones before I take them out again.

• Every night I listen to my Waif pod but now I have developed a partcular order that I listen to the songs in, I need to listen to them in this order and I have to listen to all of them or I will feel like I am missing out. It goes: Willow Tree, When I Die, Sunflower Man, Bridal Train, Here If You Want, Love Serenade, Waitress, Willow Tree, When I Die. Sometimes I will add in a couple of extras but Willow Tree and Love Serenade must be the second last and last songs I hear each night. I am madly in love with these lyrics from Sunflower Man "I’m not always good at saying how I feel, this song to some people is not a big deal, but you know who it’s from and you know who it’s for". I think that’s so wonderful, what a lovely way to be gushy without actually being gushy.

• My hair is a bit of an architectural wonder today. I washed and blowdried it but it is just standing on end. Not even in it’s away faux hawk type way, more like a flat top, except longer, and straight up. This is a particularly good look considering my fashion mullet (mull-ay, like sorbet, I can’t remember who I know that calls it that but I love it and it’s how I say it now without even thinking). I look like a G.I…except a girl, and with much longer hair that just happens to form a flat top shape. I added my usual products and even they couldn’t get it down, so I went with it, I was only taking the assignment into uni and I decided to stop at the shops on the way home but my sunnies on top of my head squashed it down a bit. Meh, it’s only hair.

• I went into Tree of Life, they have some lovely, plain cotton drawstring pants but they are $50! Considering they are made in India by children who are paid $0.19 and hour I find them asking $50 a bit rich. I am going to ask D’Nanny to make me some, granted she gets paid nothing for making them but I will buy her chocolates and I think she’d prefer that to money anyways, plus I’m not a huge supporter of child labour at the best of times so I am not bothered that Tree of Life won’t get my sale. I think they’d be nice to wear for summer to go lazy places like uni, plus I am a big grub so any lounging clothes are OK by me.

• I have fallen hard for Ellen Degeneres. 3:44pm is the highlight of my weekdays because I get to see her. She’s so funny and nice and pretty. I love her so much I don’t even wish Portia would dump her because that would mean she would be sad, and that’s not good. She’s eclipsed Drew Barrymore on my lady loving ladder which is no small feat. I think I actually blush when I watch her show because I crush her so badly. When I make it to the US I am going to go and watch her show and declare my undying love for her. I just had to share that.

• I think I need  a spray tan, it’s getting warmer and I’d like to be browner. It’s quite sad that much of my self worth can be contributed to the effects of what is essentially body paint but I just feel so much better not seeing great expanses of blindingly white flesh when I jump out of the shower. It’s wickedly shallow but I yam who I yam. I might wait for uni holidays, there is not much point getting tanned if I am going to be sitting indoors typing assignments, I’d rather look Brazilian when I am going out and seeing other people.

I felt like a such a nerd today. I had my Birkenstocks on, I carried one of my string bags, I was wearing a really bland pallete and no make up. I have no problem with wearing those things but I felt like the nerd girl  in the movies before they get chosen to be hot, a la She’s All That.

Uni was a bit tedious, I decided to go because it’s a fairly important session and the subject is hard so it’s best not to mess with it, I left an hour early though so I have time to do a bit more of my assignment before Miss B comes. My spectacular wife sent me her assignment yesterday, she’s doing the same subject but we do different modes because she is on prac and I’m not so she has already submitted hers. It is so helpful, doing this externally means I had no idea if I was on the right track with it all but after seeing hers I know I am doing the right thing, and have a few more ideas now. I am very, very grateful for it, it has made everything so much easier. She emailed me saying her ipod earphones are broken and wanted me to see if non apple ones would work instead because she is going stir crazy without music, I checked and they did and I got a pair in the post for her yesterday afternoon. Mutual lifesaving, that’s what being married is all about Wednesday next week will be the halfway point for her being away, from then on it will be a downhill slide until she comes back. Hurrah!

I also booked the place we will stay when we go out to the country when Wifey goes back for her internship. It has a population of about 3000 people, compared to the roughly 1.8 million in Brisbane. The day after when we go all the way out, I’ll be in a town with 60 people for a couple of nights. Like a hot bath I think it might be best if I ease my way into the whole country experience. They had a really lovely place to stay but it was $150/night and I don’t pay that much to stay at the Gold Coast so I went for a holiday park instead. It’s just a cabin but it looks pretty nice. There was only nine places to choose from on the accommodation website I found so the pickings were a little slim. It looks alright and it’s only for one night anyways.

I have managed to ruin my neck. I haven’t managed to upset it in ages but I was sitting at the kitchen table hunched over a laptop most of yesterday and I think that must have been enough to make it hate me. I hate upsetting my neck, it hurts so bad, and it’s an angry sort of pain, it always puts me in a foul mood. Nothing can fix it, it just has to go away by itself. I took Panadine before my tute to try and make it go away and it just made me very spacey so I will remember not to take that again. I am a bit of a hippy in that I don’t like to take pain medicine for headaches and things, but I was desperate. Nevermind, I will survive.

Tonight is going to be my (first) all nighter (of the weekend), the Wifey assignment is due tomorrow then I have another one worth 60% due on Monday. The 60% one isn’t actually going to be marked in this submission. We hand in part one so it won’t be so bad if I feck it up because it doesn’t actually count yet but I’d really rather not, plus if I do good I will know I am on the right track for the second part. The Wifey one is worth 40% and will be assessed so that one I really can’t stuff up. I bought some Smarties and a block of chocolate. I know it’s bad but it’s the way I have written assignments for six and a half years now, why try and change it during the last semester I will be facing this problem? I will just do extra hula hooping next week when it’s all submitted to make up for it.

Fourth year sucks, all uni student, abandon ship now! Don’t get to your final year, it’s stressful and time consuming and it makes it all seem really not worth it. However, I am so looking forward to Wifey coming back, and the ball, and the country trip and Bestie coming back and her engagement party and my birthday. There are so many good things coming up, I just have to make it through the next few weeks, it will all be OK. I actually found a shirt on line that says "Everything will be OK", I might need to make one of them.

EDIT: Miss B’s Mum just texted me and said she won’t be coming tonight. I am so relieved, I can get stuck into my assignment now and not have to be interrupted. She said Miss B is rocking a major attitude which is why she isn’t coming. I’m glad it’s not just me who’s felt the wrath of it. I texted back that it was fine and I’ll see her next week and her Mum texted back that she’s really cheesed that she can’t come. Also good, I’m glad it’s not me that she is getting all cranky pants-ed about, so hopefully this little period for time out and reflection will adjust her mood for next week, she’s such a nice kid, I just want the nice one to come back!

• If you are in a rush, let me give you the quick version of today’s points. Boo Hoo, poor me, life is unfair, whine whine, procrastination is good, woe is me, *angst*, whine, done.

• If you couldn’t guess, I am writing an assignment as we speak. Well, obviously not, seeing as I typing a blog this second instead of my assignment, but I have Word open and there is part of an assignment in there, so it sort of counts. I have done more than I though I’d get done, plus it’s easy. It’s a hard sort of easy, we have to justify why we believe what we believe about teaching. I have no problem justifying it, but I do have trouble choosing a couple of points to cover into rather than writing 2000 words solely about all the things I believe about teaching. I want to have it finished by this afternoon, which is totally doable if I just do it, but that’s the hard part, making myself do it.

• Why do I want to consume my body weight in anything when I write assignments? I want to eat a wheelbarrow full of chips or M&M’s or cake or roast potatoes or chocolate chip cookies! They made them on Martha this morning so now I have a wicked craving for them, I might get Subway for lunch just for the cookie. It will be quicker than buying the ingredients and making them, plus it’s much better if I just buy one three cookies instead of making a whole batch and have them sitting in the kitchen…right near the couch..where I am currently writing an assignment.

• I realized last night that I won’t have a hairdryer when I go out bush. I dare not tell Wife that I am angsty about this because she will laugh at me, and probably tease me. Seeing as my hair is so short now I probably don’t need to blow dry it at all, really, it’s just because I’ve done it every day for many years that it will be weird not to. I am not blow drying my hair today to practice and to work out what I can do with my hair when it goes super curly, I am smart. I am also thinking I look too much like a boy, I really need to redye my hair and get some more headbands, I don’t like looking too plain.

• Isn’t the weather nice at the moment?! The sun has that lovely warm touch that has been gone for so many months, you can definitely feel Spring coming. I am pumped, I love being a Spring baby, it’s the best time of the whole year. I need to suss out some Spring clothes. I haven’t bought clothes in ages, I am needing some navy ankle length pants and a cardigan of some sort and some red stripey shoes. Pierre Fontaine has some cute ones, and cheap too (Narla, page 6 of 8)! I think a nautical vibe is going to be around for Spring (if not, I am bringing it in) so I’d like to go for the sailor look. Red tops might not work with plum colored hair so I might have to work in a different color, but I am excited either way. Another exciting thing, I’ve always said for my final prac I am going to buy some nice clothes because they won’t just be prac clothes anymore, they will be work clothes! If I don’t end up going to the NT when I graduate I am going to go rural in Queensland to teach, I have no reason not to and if I stay in the south western corner you can always drive back to Brisbane for a weekend if you really wanted to, but I will need to take clothes because I will not be able to pop down to the local mall to buy new stuff every weekend, so new clothes will be like doubly beneficial.

• Miss B is continuing to be weird. She has learned this defeatist thing from somewhere and it’s making me absolutely fecking insane. If there is one thing I cannot stand, at all, is when people say they can’t do something and then just switch off without even trying to do it or learn it. I am going to have a talk to her because I can’t keep teaching her if she just switches off every time she can’t do something, failing that I’ll talk to her parents, they shouldn’t keep paying me if she has no desire to learn anything. I don’t know where she got it, I assume it’s cool in Year Three at the moment to just give up and be a punk when something is "too hard" but she’s got Buckley’s of trying it with me. She was being an absolute terror last night (swinging on her chair [another thing that turns me into insane, frothing at the mouth teacher person], not following the rules of the maths game we were playing and generally wasting our time) and then she grabbed and piece of paper and wrote "I love you so much!". Dude, stop being a punk then! I told her not to come today, I have an assignment to write and she really doesn’t seem like she wants to be here.

• I am so over uni at the moment, particularly a group thing I have on. It’s not the people, they are alright, but almost everyone else is just doing one subject, so when I have three subjects (one which is an external fourth year subject) I don’t have as much time/motivation as them for the subject. I am just over it, the project we have to do is for an actual business and it is pointless and way, way bigger than a semester so we have to do all this work for nothing because nothing will happen on it when the business is left to implement it because if they really wanted to do this stuff they’d hire actual professionals and have it done by now. It’s meant to be all real and meaningful but it’s so obviously tokenistic and fake, much like the God damned art project I had to do last semester (the upside of it was that I got to meet V and Wifey and for that alone I would redo the subject in a second, but it did nothing in terms of my uni education). This uni for the real worlds seems to be exceptionally out of touch with any real life application of our skills, in terms of my faculty anyways. Boo.

• I am trying to do all my uni work before Wifey comes back so I can have maximum playing time while she is here. I normally do it when Bestie comes back so I don’t have to waste any of her "Brisbane" time by doing my assignments. It’s not hard, but it’s annoying because I don’t have any weeks "off" until the end of September, but it’s good because it will free up a couple of weeks in October, then I have to finish everything off while she’s away again because her and Bestie will be back in November. I could almost squeal I am so excited for that, pity Wife and Best live on opposite sides of town, there will be much driving involved, but it will so be worth it…especially if I clear all my assignments before they both come back! I have a horrible feeling they will both leave me (Wifey until April [I believe, then it will be indefinite] Bestie until next time I am in Perth [June/July?]) on the same day. I fear there will be tears. I have become better at not crying like a sissy when Bestie leaves (or at least not in front of her) but both of them going on the on the same day will be potentially heartbreaking.

• I had a mug of instant coffee before and now I have a splitting headache, which reminds me why I don’t usually drink coffee. Grrr. I am also hungry, so I am going to go to Subway now.

EDIT:

• This assignment is just not happening, I cannot get back into my groove. Jeebus, help me! I feel like I’m getting sick (no, not really, I just feel cold and my nose is running, so it’s purely just my body giving me an out so I can lie around and be useless). I am thinking of skipping my tute tomorrow, I think I need tomorrow to get this finished off. 

• Best thing about Bestie being on Facebook: I get to spy on some high school people that I don’t have any real desire to talk to myself. It’s weird to see how some of them are still friends with high school people, Best is the only person I am in contact with from ALL of the friends I had in high school. I’m not fussed, I’ve collected way better friends over the years (and kept the highest quality one, of course).

• Why won’t someone email me, or comment, or write on my Facebook, I will take ANY distraction at the moment, come one people!!

• Ok, I am going to go and try and do some more assignment, I can’t help but think if I had a pillow sized sack of Smarties that this assignment would be getting written much quicker. Damn this starving regime!! I don’t know what is more important, looking better in a ball gown or submitting an assignment. I might go eat some of my vegan, no diary, no fat, no milk, no flavour, fake Nutella. It’s sweet/chocolately enough for my brain to think "Weeeeee, chocolate!" but shouldn’t undo any of the starving regime success.

• *tantrum*

• I have made and finished four hula hoops and have another three that need to be filled, glued and taped. I have quite the assembly line happening.  You can buy them online for about $30, but I have bought two roles of tubing, some tapes and some sand which is enough to make about ten adult sized hoops and all up it’s come to less than $30. It would be quite a profitable business (if there is much of a market for hula hoops?), I reckon they’d do well at markets too, I know I’d buy one if I saw someone selling handmade ones.

• Of all the hoops I have made now, my first one filled with sugar is my favorite. I don’t know why, it just works the best for me. I tried hooping clockwise instead of counter clockwise and it is much, much more successful. I kept going for almost a minute. I know it seems like a short time but you’ve gotta start somewhere and considering I could do it for like 15-20 seconds at the absolute maximum yesterday I am pleased with my progress. I am planning to take my show on the road, I practiced a little trick today too (I wish I was joking). I can swap a small hoop from arm to arm…while I stand still. It’s probably a touch more impressive if I could do it while I hoop around my waist but I have to concentrate too hard to keep it on my waist at the moment, so one step at a time.

• Yesterday was bad with Miss B, I almost made her cry a few times. I could tell she’d just had a bad day and she was being a smart ass about stuff and I gave her the standard teacher line "If you don’t want to be here then you can go home, I don’t want to teach you if you are not in the mood to learn" because I was getting really frustrated because she didn’t care, which obviously made her realize she was being a punk and that I was getting cheesed. Then she just kept getting really frustrated when she got the answer wrong a few times and you could tell she had tears welling. I told her I could see she had a bad day and that it was OK to make mistakes (which she already knows, but I felt she needed to be reminded) and that I make mistakes all the time. Hopefully today is a better day, I am going to chalk it up to being a Monday.

• I have decided to have my nose pierced on the day I go into the city to book my train ticket. I thought I was very clever to think of this because it means just one trip in to the city but two jobs done. It’s not really that far into the city but I have to catch a bus and stuff so if I could do two things at once it would be handy. I am predicting this will be next week as everything sounds sorted on Wifey’s end for me to come out in a little while but I just I just want to give it a few days for the final details to be sorted before I book, plus I have a lot to do this week (as you can tell, I am sure, with all this blogging and hula hoop making, right?)

• I bought some Head and Shoulders because my scalp has been itchy (in a dry way, not the head lice way) and I used it this morning and it just made my head about a thousand times itchier until I washed it out. Isn’t that a bit redundant? A shampoo especially made to stop itchiness that makes you itch more? I don’t think I’ll use it again, hair dye chemicals should burn off any itchy bits anyways.

• For now, I am going to hoop more and then start my assignment…or just watch TV…

I went to Bunnings today. I believe it’s the first time I’ve ever gone there alone. I find places like that very intimidating because there are normally lots of guys and I think it requires a degree of specialized knowledge to participate fully in the context of the hardware store (who’s been to uni this morning!? Sorry about the jargon, it’s the only way I can think to explain things) so I feel threatened going there alone as I lack any knowledge about anything found in a hardware store. I digress. I went to Bunnings and located some irrigation tube. After crawling under the shelf to dig out a roll that wasn’t all kinked up, I went looking for some sort of connector. I thought it would be easier than it was. I didn’t expect them to have a empty shelf with a small fluro pink box and a neon flashing sign saying "connectors for hula hoop making" but I expected things to be arranged with a higher degree of logic than they actually were. I found lots of stoppers, corner type connectors, three way connectors and everything was all over the place but eventually I found something that was small and connector-y looking and got that. Then I got some thick, black, fabric tape and some electrical tape and high tailed it. The sales guy ended up over charging me so I had to go back and get them to give me the money back, but I survived.

I came home and started my assignments, leaving silly pursuits such a hula hoop making till the weekend got stuck into making one. I measured it as an adult hula hoop is meant to stand between waist and chest height. That ended up looking all together massive so I chopped it about 10cm shorter and made it just on waist high. I stuck in the connector thing, which was too small and fell out, so I got some of my super, button gluing adhesive and put that all over everything and taped it in place. One site suggested filling the tube with some sand to give the hoop some weight and make it easier to use, but as I have no sand I used sugar. Obviously, I did that bit before the gluing and taping. After it was taped down, I taped it a bit more for good measure and then wrapped the whole thing in black electrical tape and added a white candy stripe. It’s tough.

Not one to wait for boring stuff like drying times and what not, I started hooping right away. It’s easier than I remembered, I realized I was moving my hips way too fast and when I slowed down I could keep it going for much longer. We are only talking like 20 second stretches, but not bad for someone who has not swiveled her hips (much less hula hooped) in a good 15 years. I think the hoop is a little bit too light still, so I made a second hoop just now. I made it slightly smaller again (because I have a very high natural waist and have probabaly taken things much too seriously in terms of thinking about how tall the hoop should be) and filled it with some rice. I didn’t use a connector, just chopped a piece of the tubing down one side, rolled it up a bit, smothered it in glue and shoved it into each of the ends. Then taped it. Then taped it again for good measure. I think it will work better than the first one as the real connector made it have a little lump where the two ends meet. I wish they had electrical tape in pretty colors in Australia, they have silver, pinks and purples (amongst others) in the U.S so they end up with really pretty hula hoops and mine will be a bit ordinary. Not to worry, I shall dazzle people with my skill instead.

Right now, I am going to eat a bowl of ChocoRice, the Aldi knock off of CocoPops, because I am hungry from hooping. ChocoRice has become the reason I wake up in the morning, they are much, much harder and crunchier than CocoPops and you all know I am a fan of foods with good structural integrity, so ChocoRice makes me very pleased.

• My All Aussie Adventure is coming together! (I know, I stole that title from Russell Coight, but considering how successful he is in his travels in through the Outback I feel it is appropriate for my own adventures…plus I like alliteration, forgive me!) The current plan is to drive out with Wifey when she goes back for her internship and spend a couple of days visiting her school and a couple of others and then catch the train back to the big smoke. That is way more exciting than I thought it would end up being, plus I would die to see a school with 16 kids, the shearing hut where she is staying and everything else associated with being 12 or so hours drive from a capital city. I could fly back but I do want to try 17 hours on a train, it will be an experience, good or bad, and it’s a good story to have. I asked Wifey to check with her teacher if it will actually be fine, but she is sure it will be, so I think it’s a little bit safe to start getting excited!

• When I dyed my hair last time it came out really nicely but I’ve noticed it has been fading quite a bit, I went to buy another box of the same dye and realized why it’s been fading. It’s meant to, being a semi permanent and all. D’Jen = fails at life. I made sure to buy a box of permanent dark plum dye this time, so hopefully this one will last a bit longer. I am not going to dye it right away, my scalp is itchy and dry at the moment so I will be kind to it for a week or so before smothering it in chemicals. Curse my sissy girl skin.

• I am still deeply in love with The Waifs. "Love Serenade" on their album A Brief History was recorded on the day of my 19th birthday, so I am taking that as a sure sign that it’s a song meant for me and it will be included, somehow, it’s my ideal partner/proposal idea. Maybe anyone who can sing the duet with me (should I ever be brave enough to sing audibly in public) will be my ideal person. I am yet to work out the finer details, but it’s a special song to me.

• I thought about learning the guitar (so I can run away and become a Waif) but I am not very smart and really quite unco so I am doubtful of my guitar playing abilities. I am also good at guitar on Playstation however, if my history of gaming expertise translating to real life expertise is anything to go buy, it’s best if I save my money and mental health and admit that I won’t ever be a guitarist or a snowboarder, or a chef.

• However, discontent to remain talentless I am going to become a hula hooper. I have (giant, giant!) hips and I can roll them, ergo, I am an excellent hula hooper. I am going to make my own hoop, because I am good at making things and I am too cheap to buy a proper one and the toy shop ones are for children (and amateurs). I have read how to do it, and I will need a fairly tall one (because I am fairly tall) but that is good because they bigger they are the easier and slower they are to hoop with. So if this whole teaching gig fails I really might be able to run away and join the cirque. Plus hula hooping is meant to be good for ones waist, so I get to be awesome and talented and have a small waist, hurrah!!

• I think I may have a presentation tomorrow at uni. I am not certain, I missed week four’s tute (but emailed my tutor) and she had previously arranged to cancel week five’s tute, so I don’t know if we are doing the presentations this week. I assume not, I did ask her to let me know via email if she allocated for the presentations on the week I missed, and I vaguely recall her saying we’d get them all done in week seven, but I have it written on week six and seven in my diary, and only week six is highlighted for some reason. I am not fussed, you just have to teach a literacy strategy to half of the tute group and it’s peer assessed, so I could do it tomorrow with no preparation but I’d rather know beforehand if I was presenting. Those of you who are clever might note that I could in fact do some preparation for the presentation now and if I don’t need it for tomorrow well and good and I could save it for next week. It’s true, I could but why risk doing uni work unnecessarily, I’ve haven’t made it this far by working hard, why start now?

• I am tired now and I will go to bed because I have to wake up early for uni, however the last few nights I have listened the my ipod Waif-pod (I wiped it so I only have The Waifs uploaded for the moment) for a good hour or so, because I can’t just listen to one or two tracks. So this means I am looking at thinking of going to sleep at midnight, and since I have to wake up at six thirty such a God forsaken hour, it hardly seems worth sleeping. I jest! I am the biggest sissy ever when it comes to sleep 6 and a half hour sleep will just kick me over until about 5pm tomorrow, after then I’ll be useless…I hope Miss B is feeling clever, she’ll be on her own tomorrow!

Today is a good day, for two reasons:

1) I spoke to Wifey, so all is right in the world. It’s that simple. In the same way that an email from Bestie can make my day having a twenty minute catch up with Wifey was wonderful. She is good and safe and really happy, so I am equally happy. I told her I am going to do a rural prac and she thinks it’s a really awesome idea (obviously, because she is doing it right now). I mentioned that if I do go out bush to travel home with her that I’d like to see the School of the Air which is in Charleville, she said she has to go there as well as visit a couple of other schools in the area to do some PD while on prac and that I should just come for that. I said she should probably ask her teacher if that would be alright but she insists it would be no worries. Wifey has told her teacher that K and I might come out to travel back with her and her teacher is excited just for that and made a point of letting her know there is airfares on sale at the moment to Charleville. Her teacher sounds really lovely and the kids are well behaved and well mannered and it all sounds really good. I am so, so glad it’s all going good for her, it makes me very happy. Yay!

2) Ball gown. I had been preparing all morning for the mental anguish of getting measured and fitted, I spoke to Wifey as we were on the way to D’Nanny’s so that made everything much better. When I arrived she said she’d made a prototype with the plunging v neck I wanted. I assumed it would be a tiny little dress that wouldn’t fit me and I would have to be reminded of how much smaller I was in the past and everything else that normally happens but no. The dress didn’t have side seams so it could be pinned in and the top was perfect. It was too short as D’Nanny thought my bust was smaller than it is (but I was wearing a padded,strapless bra because I thought I’d have to go for a strapless dress, so it’s probably slightly bigger than normal) but she chopped the shoulder seams and lengthened it and made it exactly how I wanted it, the rest of the dress fitted perfectly.

Even in calico, with marking and pins all over it, the dress is really beautiful. D’Mummy and I went to a fine fabric store near home this morning to get some fabric as the satin I got just wasn’t going to cut it, I ended up with some textured silk that is sort of plum/brown with a warm purple sheen. It sounds awful but looks like a sort of dark, rich, plum in the light with a golden reflect which is really quite magical. I wasn’t that sold on it in store, but it was in a darker part of the store and it’s quite beautiful in the light. There is a lot of boobage on the dress. Like a LOT, a lot.It’s defiantly a plunging v neck, D’Nanny is fairly disapproving of it and is terribly concerned that people can "look in the sides and see too much!’ but to her credit she just did what I wanted, which is very good. I can’t bend over in it, or I will be arrested, I think with a bit of the Hollywood Tape I’ll be sweet. If not, I will be tipsy so anything is forgivable! I’m scared that it’s a bit too formal for the ball but the ticket says "cocktail and collars" and I assume lots of girls (particularly the younger ones) will be wearing dresses they have worn to a formal before. I am not going to wear heels or have my hair done (obviously, because there is no hair to be done) so I think it will be alright, you don’t generally go to a ball looking too casual, right? I don’t want to look like a try hard.

EDIT: Scratch all that. D’Nanny called to say that three meters won’t be enough (despite the fabric shop lady saying it would) to get the v neck top on the dress so I said we will go with the Plan B of strapless and save buying more fabric and all that angst. It means I can wear a strapless bra, lean over safely and dare I say have a better time because I am not worried about flashing anyone. I am going to have the v neck bit  made into a top in different fabric though, because I still think it’s lovely. I might get a ribbon trim to go under the bust to make it a bit spiffy.

I should start my assignments this weekend but I am so tired, for no reason. I had one of the most bizarre dreams I’ve ever had last night and woke up really quickly from a really deep sleep this morning so I just feel out of sorts, not tired but not normal, if that makes sense? I am going to go and get Animal Crossing for DS again today, I have a couple of Playstation games I don’t like anymore so I will trade them for a new game. I also have wireless now so I will be able to travel to other towns in Animal Crossing. I wish I wasn’t so excited about that because as a 23 year old it’s a bit pathetic, but I am who I am. I might also eat another piece of magical baklava, because it’s delicious!

• First time blogging from the new Mac, ooh eer. It’s sort of hard to get used to in that it’s so simple. No right click button, no start menu, no button to open the CD drive you just have to poke it in this slot in the side, it’s weird. Good weird though, it’s fun to learn how to use a computer again. I formatted my ipod so  I can use it with this laptop, fresh starts all round I say! Is it wrong I am a bit in love with having a blindingly white laptop because it makes me look more tanned when I see my skin against it as I type?

• I’ve had a bit of a lightning bulb moment last night and today. I am certain I am going to do a rural placement for my final prac and internship next year. There are a million reasons why I can’t do it but none of them are actual reasons, they are just things I have told myself, in my mind, because it’s much easier to talk yourself out of something than to actually do it. You know the deal, if you always do what you’ve always done, you’ll always get what you’ve always got. There is nothing wrong with what I have always got. I am lucky, fortunate and privileged, I won’t deny any of that, but I lead a very, very "safe" existence. Safe is good, but it’s not how I’ve always wanted to live. I have always wanted to have some adventures and do interesting and exciting things, and doing what I currently do isn’t going to result in those outcomes so it’s time to shake things up, no more resting on laurels. When I graduate, I am going to the NT to teach for one term. They offer return airfare if you commit to one term (which is devastatingly sad for the kids involved in that they face having a new teacher four or so times in a year, so it’s fairly safe to assume the continuity of their educational experience is severely lacking) plus you get subsidized housing, relocation allowances and incredible money (when compared to an average first year grad salary). I might even do two terms, it depends on whether I can take time off or not as Bestie is looking to get married around this time next year.

• I was talking to some girls in my Thursday tute the other day at uni and one of them is about 22 and she’s getting married next month another is turning 23 next week and was complaining about being so old. I feel so bad that I was like that just a couple of months ago. I am very into the 24 now, I am gunning for 24, I can’t wait to be older. I don’t want to get married (other than my Spanish wedding to Wifey), I don’t want to settle down, I don’t want to be sensible yet, things are only just getting exciting!! I think Wifey is almost entirely responsible for my change in thinking. She’s turning 31 next year and she is fantastic! If I could be half as awesome when I am turning 31 I will be infinitely happy. She’s not married and doesn’t have kids or a house but she is one of the bets people ever, it seems really stupid but I was so stuck in the "OMG, I’m not married or rich and I’m already 23, I may as well end my life now!" bubble I didn’t realize that life will go on if I don’t necessarily jump through the hoops at the same time other people do, or even if I don’t jump through them at all, or if I choose different hoops to jump through. I am the queen of not seeing the forest for the trees, so this will all be incredibly obvious to most other people but I really, really needed someone to actually tell me all of this, and I am so grateful Wifey did (well, she did like a month ago but it’s finally sunk in). I don’t want to get married, particularly to someone who will support me, I want to do stuff by myself and for myself and if someone else wants to come along for the ride then that’s fantastic. I don’t want to be super rich. I do want to adopt a baby, I do want to travel and have adventures and I do want to do it regardless of how old I am or if I have to do it alone. Maybe this is my next step of thinking less and doing more?

• I am going to get my nose pierced soon, I feel it’s time. I think I am going to go for a gold stud. I am a silver person but I am thinking of changing team to gold, at least for a little while. I’ll have to commit to gold for about two months I think, until I can change my stud but that’s OK, I am sure I will manage. No one will think less of me if I wear a gold nose stud and a silver ring anyways, and if they do I am not fussed, they probably already thought less of me for the nose stud to begin with. I am also going to just deal with being asymmetric and get one side done. I’d kind of like to get a ring but it would be a bit too obvious for me and I couldn’t deal with having it 24/7 while the piercing heals, maybe when it’s able to be changed I’ll get one.

• I have to get my ball dress sorted with D’Nanny tomorrow. Don’t be mistaken, this is not a fun thing. D’Nanny was a professional tailor in her day, so she knows her shit, which is very good because dressmakers can be expensive. It is bad because she keeps every single measurement that she’s ever taken from any person, so when you get something made she takes the opportunity to remind you of how much skinnier you were last time and generally makes you just want to curl up and die for being such a waste of a person for not being the same size since you were 12. My hips, butt, waist everything was smaller in high school, I am acutely aware of this and despite popular belief I don’t need to be reminded about it, but I will be. I think I am going to take my hippy "no stress" drops tonight and tomorrow morning and hopefully it will be slightly less painful than normal, although it has been many years since I last had something made and I am sure this will require much discussion in regard to the change of measurements. *angst* Wifey saw a picture of D’Nanny and said "Oh, she looks so sweet!"…let’s just say her white perm hides the tiny horns remarkably well

• Someone from this lovely company came and set up our "home network" this afternoon. It meant all I had to do was line up the laptops on the kitchen table, put the router (still new in it’s box) on the table and point to where to modem lives and then a while later we were wireless. I can’t recommend them enough, the guy knew exactly what he was doing, showed up on time, didn’t try and explain stuff that I don’t understand, didn’t make me feel like a twit for not being able to do it and was everything I like in a tradesperson/service man. Tidy, quick and not chatty, I’m not looking for more friends, I just want them to do their stuff and leave, which is precisely what he did and I couldn’t be happier. If you require a nerd for hire, do check out Gizmo.

• I can’t believe I only just remember this, this is why I meant to update today!! Newest lady crush, Vikki Thorn from The Waifs. The sisters from The Waifs were on "Enough Rope" this week and I was immediately captivated. I only knew The Waif’s sung London Still which I liked but not so much, but watching their interview catapulted me from indifferent listener to gushy fan girl in less than an hour. Does anyone else ever get the feeling with a particular song or band that it’s more than just liking them and their music, but as if the music that they creates creeps in and wraps itself around the very essence of your being? And you can’t possibly imagine your life without that music in it anymore because it’s so intrinsically linked to your very core, it would be like trying to live without a fundamental chunk of your soul missing? That’s me and The Waifs. Crowded House is the only other band I feel that way about. I love a huge variety of bands and music, and I am passionate about a number of bands but Crowded House and The Waifs are just groups that will be forever etched on the slate of my life. In both cases I knew of them and was remotely familiar with a song or two but now I know the lyrics to many, many Crowded House songs and have every intention of using it as an indicator of a awesome person and subsequent future employee, should I ever need to hire someone, if they can sing along to Crowded House they are OK by me. I bought "A Brief History" by The Waifs today and spent about five hours listening to it. Vikki sings in the exact way I do in my heart, and they do it because they love it, I admire the pants off them for that. They toured for years and years when they first started playing, and did it because they just love it and wanted to travel Australia, not because anyone was paying them big bucks to be a band or wanted to manufacture a money spinner. I can’t wait until I know all the lyrics because it’s one of the best albums I know to sing along to. "Willow Tree" is the song I would choose to sing should I ever had to perform a song, I adore it. They play in Brisbane on October 16th and 17th and I feel like I have to see them, or I might die. Who’s in? (It’s times like these I miss Bestie most, she’d be there with bells on, without question, simply because she understands how important it is for me, you just don’t find people like her every day).

• Clearly the fact I am still adjusting to a new computer and inbuilt keyboard (Mac keyboards are spacey! Thankfully my fingers are long!) means nothing in terms of the length of my posts. What can I say, I am the Queen of the Long-winded!

This is something I have thought about posting before, but haven’t for a variety of reasons, many of which involve me being found by The Ex or his friends ad not wanting to deal with the consequences. Steph’s latest post brought everything back and I thought I might as well. I only really started to talk about all this this year. I don’t know why, maybe I wasn’t really ready to admit to myself what was really happening earlier than then, you know what they say about hindsight.  I don’t want to make it sound like more than it was. I was lucky, it never got physical, but reading this was very, very familiar.

"Looking back I can see how he chipped away at the cornerstones of my
self esteem, my sense of who I am. He was always right. I was always
wrong. He was smarter than I, despite only attaining a year 10
education. He was more capable, more witty, had more friends, was more
able to succeed. MY friends were mindless retards, my degree not worth
a damn, my family were nobodies. I wasn’t funny, I never had anything
interesting to say, I didn’t know squat about any subject.
And after a while. I guess I believed him. I did feel less than him."

I can relate to every single word of that quote from Steph’s post. I wasn’t right, about anything. I wasn’t as funny, I wasn’t as good at anything, I wasn’t as smart, I wasn’t as good at driving, I didn’t have good taste in music or movies, he could choose what to do on weekends better than me, had better and more interesting friends, he could manage time better than me, his family was better than mine. I was incredibly hard to get along with, I made it very hard for him to like me, I wore the wrong clothes that made people look at me and think the wrong things, I was too loud and emotional, I said the wrong things, I was tactless, I made life difficult for him. I didn’t even get called by my name, he had a nickname for me that reflected exactly how much he respected me. Unlike so many others, I never got hit. If he didn’t cut me loose when he did, or if we ever lived together I am certain it would have happened. He’d often restrain me, he’d squeeze me really tight  to the point it hurt and physically stop me from doing things. He’d make "jokes" about killing or hurting me. He once threatened to kill me and my entire family if I ever put his work shoes away for him again. One day I wore something he didn’t like and didn’t want me to wear out, I didn’t want to change. He pushed me against the wall, grabbed me, took off the clothes he didn’t like and refused to give it back to me, I had to wear what he wanted me to wear.

When I talk about it now, it doesn’t feel like it was me, it sounds as if I am talking about someone else. If someone I knew told me this was happening to them I’d be the first person to drive to his house and punch him in the throat, but it seemed OK when it was me. He was just being silly, or he didn’t really mean it, or I was being annoying so it was probably justified when I thought about it, or I was just being too fussy if I had a problem with it, every other guy probably did the same thing, why make a big deal about it? No, it’s not alright, not even a little bit, not even sometimes. It’s not funny to make jokes about hurting you or killing your family, especially when you have a certain look in your eye and you aren’t laughing when you say it, that’s not a joke, that’s a threat. It’s really, really not OK to hit someone, even if they were being smart or rude or if they deserved it. It’s not your job to teach anyone a lesson, particularly when it involves laying a finger on them. It’s not OK for someone to tell you not to wear or tell you that you don’t know anything or aren’t funny or smart or entertaining or anything else that makes you feel like any less of a person. It’s really, really not OK and you don’t have to put up with it because normal people don’t treat other people this way and no one deserves it. Not even sometimes, not even if you have been annoying or anything else that has made someone behave this way. It’s not you, it never has been you, it’s all them, trust me.

I also understand the feeling of fight or flight these days when someone tries to control me or tell me that I’m no good, and the sick feelings when I really sit and down and think about what a pathetic, waste of skin I had become. Again, I am so lucky it never got physical but I do understand what it’s like to become a shell of a person so far removed from the person you actually are. To a degree, I don’t really trust my judgment anymore. Because I never realized at the time and I am so scared that it could happen again. What if I’m one of those girls who attracts dirt bag boyfriends because they can’t work out that fine line between normal relationship compromise and being stomped all over? I think I have overcompensated nowadays by being completely unwilling to budge even a millimeter on any decision I have made that a boy tries to question or change. I am sure, deep down, it’s a means of self preservation but it comes across to many as me being a completely stone cold, bossy bitch, but what’s worse? I know I’d rather be thought of as a nasty bitch than as a doormat, ever again. 

Having said all that, I know I am me again. It took a while and a whole bunch of thinking and talking about it, and I have moments when all those things that have been said to me start whispering again and I start to wonder if my friends really do like me, or whether I really am just really difficult to maintain any sort of relationship with and he was the only person who was brave enough to tell me, but for the most part I am back to being me. I think for now it’s working out the fine line. The line at which I still feel comfortable maintaining my non-negotiable in terms of the behavior I expect from a partner and how I deserve to be treated and working out the things I can change or compromise on to do the whole relationship give and take deal. I suppose the only real way to do it would be to get back on the horse, so to speak, but I still don’t think I want to, I think I am just happy being on my own.

So that’s that. It’s about the only dirty laundry I have and now I’ve laid it all on the line, I’ll have to go and cultivate some new and hopefully more exciting secrets now. And you all wonder why I’m thinking of changing teams, boys really aren’t worth all this trouble!

I think if someone asked me to find some hen’s teeth today, in Brisbane, I could find them. Lost a needle in a haystack? I’ve got it sorted. I am this supremely confident because I have located THE only $1599 MacBook currently in existence in Brisbane. I could spend $300 more and get the one the burns and edits DVDs but as I don’t have the technological capability to burn a CD of music, I figure it’s best to save my $300 and go without. I will not tell you where I have located this MacBook, and I have fairly suspicious that my dear friend Bernard will happily forfeit the only that he assures he’ll hold for me until D’Mummy and I get get to the store, should anyone waltz up with a wad of cash, but I am trying to be optimistic.

I have been to, or called, almost every certified Apple reseller in Brisbane today. Tell me I can’t have something and I’ll want it harder and get it. I have had many, many people today tell me that I will not get a MacBook before September, but I would like to feel I have proven them wrong.

Is it bad that I have a very smug sense of satisfaction from proving some sales people wrong? (Probably)

The reason for my desperate Mac search is that I have a wonderful nerdy type coming on Friday arvo to set up a wireless network at home. This will require me to do nothing more than point to the modem and put the laptops on the table for him to use. No tears, no frustration, no throwing things across the room. Thank Jeebus for mobile nerds. The girl I spoke to who made the booking was lovely and knew exactly what she was talking about. I intend to write a big, gushy fan letter to the company (and blog about them) if Friday arvo goes as well as I expect it to. It will be very exciting to have wireless internet again, I have missed it terribly.

I know I shouldn’t get my hopes up about the MacBook, seeing as Bernard did not take my name or number before assuring me that he’d hold it for me until this arvo. It makes me slightly nervous, especially considering the current stocks of any Apple computers at the moment. My first stop this morning was David Jones, they have none in stock. No, that’s a lie, there is three somewhere in their system, he couldn’t tell me exactly where they were, or how they could get to my preferred store. I asked if he knew of any other certified reseller, he suggested Myer and JB Hi Fi. As I was walking away he said he’d really like it if I could buy it form him. Yeah, me too Buddy, but you’re not really helping me out. Myer, also none, anywhere. I could pre order one for September. JB, none, but they’ll give me $50 off the display model. "It’s only been on display a week"…I’m sure, thanks but no. Next Byte in Brisbane, no MacBooks at all. Right, it’s not like they are an Apple store right…no wait, they are.

The plan of getting a new laptop soon was so I can begin the thankless task of moving all my junk from this one to the new one and dumbing down this one as much as possible for the olds. I have about 3846594856 pictures on this one, so I need to do a bit of a cull and decide which ones are actually important to me. I never used to be a file pack rat but these days I keep everything. I really need to move computers by next week because I have a couple of assignments I need to t on Monday so I’d like to be done moving by then.

I also changed my sheets, did a few loads of washing, handed in an assingments, bought ball tickets today and will tutor Miss B soon. I adore being productive and working under pressure, I love the thrill of the chase!!