Somewhere, something incredible is waiting to be known

• I have spent most of the last three days horizontal, or a version of horizontal. I sat in the car and drove, slept in bed, starfished in bed, laid on the couch upstairs, sat on the couch upstairs, laid on the futon down stairs, sat on the futon, laid on the beach, sat on the beach, sat at the kitchen table or sat at a cafe. It was brilliant. Standing and walking are so overrated. I could have stayed on holiday for a couple more months without too much trouble at all, reality is a drag.

• I didn’t end up going swimming. I wore my togs twice but never actually made it into the water. It was pretty cold and pretty choppy but Wifey swam anyways. I sat and watched and made sandcastles. I also just got some sun, I was wearing suncream so I wasn’t out to tan, just soak up some Vitamin D. I think I am just not a swimmer, it wasn’t the fact I didn’t have togs, it’s just that I don’t love the sandy scalp, being cold when you get out, being dumped by waves aspect of swimming. Not to worry, at least I know now…and have nice togs should I ever want to get wet.

• I had a desperate urge to spend money or make some life altering decisions today. I am not sure why, I just couldn’t shake it all day. When I got home from the coast I went to the shops to buy more sunnies (the lens fell out of my ever faithful LeSpecs pair and I lost it, so I was without my large black sunnies for a whole day. I would have been less painful to have lost an arm, those sunnies were an extension of me.) I couldn’t find any black LeSpecs I liked at David Jones so I bought another pair almost identical to my old ones but by another brand. I also managed to come home with a new clutch/shoulder bag and a pair of earrings from Sportsgirl, a necklace from Portmans, two singlet tops (black with diamond sparklies over the boobage, and the same top but in white) plus a 3/4 sleeve black cardigan from Jacqui E. I’d looked for ages at the shops this arvo for a plain, black, 3/4 cardigan and I couldn’t find it anywhere. Before I walked in to Jacqui E I though "Dammit, I’m going to find my cardigan here" and there is was, precisley what I wanted for only $39.95. The sparkly tops were only $19.95 each (on sale), I really like them they are comfortable to wear but the sparkles make them a bit special, plus anything with jewels on it is cool at the moment. Win, win as far as I see it. I know it’s very materialistic but it made me feel happy to buy things for no particular reason. I haven’t bought myself anything "just because", especially so many things at once, for a long time. I don’t really want to do it again anytime soon, I am pretty stingy (everything, but the sunnies, was on sale!, but it made me happy.

• The life altering decision hasn’t been made yet. I think I will have enough life altering stuff happening next year without me having to add anything else into the mix. It just sort of hit me this morning that next year will be the year I never thought would arrive. The year uni will be over, the year I will have a degree, the year I move out from my parents house, the year I go off to see the world, the year I grow up and start being an adult. I really wanted to book a holiday today, Wifey and I tossed around the idea of going to Thailand right after I finish uni next year. I don’t desperately want to go to Thailand, but I’d like to go see it and Wifey has been before so she knows what’s good to do. I am not against the idea of traveling alone, but Thailand is a place I’d like to go with someone else. Something to ponder.

• I bought the movie But I’m a Cheerleader last week. I remembered it while talking to Wifey and although I watched it years ago I wanted to see it again but my video store didn’t have it, so I bought it (it was only $13, as much as a normal DVD costs me to hire once you add in the late fees [I am a notorious later returner]). We watched it while we were at the coast, it’s so funny and sweet, I forgot how much I liked it. You should see it if you have the chance, especially if you are interested in queer/gender issue type stuff they approach it in a really good way addressing lots of stereotypes and stuff. Wifey also bought a movie with her called Better Than Chocolate, which is a girl meets girl movie, with an undertone of issues about acceptance and discrimination and all that mixed in, too. I had finished a bottle of wine and was knocking back Cruisers by the time we got around to watching this, so my recollection of the plot isn’t crystal clear, but it was alright if not slightly contrived. I’d recommend you see it if you are down with the whole lesbian deal, if it freaks you out then maybe skip this one, theres a fair bit of lady lovin’ involved. I’m pretty sure you won’t find it at your local Blockbuster and I’m not even sure where’d you’d buy it from, you might have to Google it if you are desperate to see it. I joked to Wifey after the movies that my lesbian card will be arriving in the mail soon because I’ve watched two gay movies in a row, she told me I can’t get the card until I sleep with a girl. She’s tough. I negotiated to being a probationary member if I kiss a girl but she told me they are just holding my paperwork for the moment.

• I still don’t feel fantastic, I know it’s only been a week of taking a whole tablet a day, but I just thought it would be better than this by now. The worrying has eased off a bit, and everything seems a bit more possible but I would still be fairly happy to hide at home, or sleep, and I still feel like I’m in a funk sometimes. I have moments where things are good, so I suppose that means it’s getting better. Sort of like an overcast day after a week of constant rain, it’s not sunny, but you can see the blue skies at times. I just don’t know what I can do to feel better, I think the answer is nothing. I am already doing everything I can think of, I might just have to accept I’m not going to wake up one morning, flip out of bed and spend the entire day partying and dancing and singing because life is so freakin’ fantastic, it’s just going to be a step by step thing. Being an instant gratification kind of gal, this whole slow and steady approach to things doesn’t work for me, I want it all done yesterday, and if that’s not possible it might as well be right now, I’m not good at waiting for things to happen. I am meant to go to West End tomorrow night and the thought of driving there doesn’t fill me with pure terror, I’m antsy and would rather not drive but I know it would be ok if I had to. That’s a breakthrough. I just have to spend tomorrow pumping myself up about going out, it will be fun but it feels so much easier to hide at home, but that won’t help me.

• Last night K came up to the beach to stay with us and we drank wine and watched Stranger Than Fiction. After the movie I think we were all a little bit pissy so we went out and watched the stars for a bit. They were pretty amazing, not anywhere near bush amazing, but pretty good. I asked the Universe to show me a shooting star so I know everything is going to be OK, and I got one. I actually got like four so I guess it means everything is going to be super, super fine. It’s the same thing I did in the bush when I also got to see one then. It’s incredibly reaffirming, it sounds so cheesy but it’s true. I know nay-sayers will argue shotting stars happen all the time, regardless of whether or not I am asking for them, but I needed one last night and it came, and that’s all that matters to me. We walked down to the beach (maybe 20m from where we stayed) and watched the moon reflect on the ocean and the stars for a little while, it was quite magical. I am so excited to go out to the bush again so I can see the stars again, it really was like nothing else I’ve ever seen.

• For now, I am tired as hell and I have to go back to work tomorrow. Knowing I will probably be able to get drunk tomorrow night, plus I get a whole weekend before having to work again makes things a bit more bearable. But only just, I don’t get to fall asleep listening to the ocean, or sleep in til 8am then move onto the couch for another hour or so of dozing but I don’t have to share a bed with anyone which makes me pleased (as it does Wifey, I was saying this morning how big the bed was and she told me she wouldn’t know because I slept in 3/4 of it. What can I say? I don’t share well).

I feel I owe you all a bit of an update, even if you didn’t really want one, I have been away from the blogosphere for days now! So here it is, whether you like it or not.

I have been very busy with work and life and other stuff. I ended up going out on Friday night and coming home as the sun was rising. It wasn’t quite as messy as it sounds (I stuck to Cruisers and resisted the lure of cocktails), I saw some really good drag queens, lots of boys dancing around with no shirts on and got told I look like Missy Higgins (because she steals my haircuts). Saturday I woke up late, spent the morning feeling delicate, voted for our fabulous new PM, bought some new togs and went out for dinner and a movie with Wifey and K. Sunday was Deb’s Tupperware party and my big family BBQ. All things were good, Tupperware is fun! Wifey got sucked in to having a party on Saturday so I get another fix in less than a weeks time!

Tomorrow, Wifey and I will be headed up the coast for a couple of nights. As a result a lady is coming to my house in a couple of hours to give me a spray tan. I think that might be my new favorite thing ever, no more having to get dressed while still a bit damp and smudging my tan, no more having to go out in public with my oldest, saggiest clothes so I don’t ruin any clothes or my tan. I am very pumped….or as pumped as you can be about paying for the privilege of standing in your undies in front of a stranger. I am very excited to lie on the beach and do very little for a couple of days, plus Wifey cooks really well, so it’s even more exciting!

I wouldn’t expect an update until around Friday. Don’t panic, things are fine and all, I just have better things to do for the moment than blogging. No crappy magnet competition this holiday, I can’t be bothered, sorry Dears! Catch you on the flip side.

• I can’t choose what to blog about first. I’ll go with togs. OK, so I had a look at some togs today. I looked at lots of togs that would be quite nice if you aren’t me. I tried on every single black one piece David Jones stocked (aside from the super Nanna styles) and all of them were too short. If I was 5’5" they’d probably have been quite lovely, but my boobage doesn’t start just above my belly button, I have a good 25cm of belly before boobage comes into it, meaning the built it cups in all the togs provided fantastic support for my upper stomach and left the boobage uncovered. Not so much what I was after. They had one nice strapless top, it was nice fabric and had ruching (yay!) but no matching undies part, and was also quite a short top meaning there would be a big strip of unexposed belly that would be let out. Um, no. I guess I will try Myer because they tend to have a bigger range, then DFO if I can’t find anything at Myer. Heavens! This is all too hard! On the upside, I don’t look as bad in togs as I was expecting, I don’t love my thighs but I figure I can wear beach pants and whip them off and run into the water, therefore minimizing the harm I will do to others by exposing my bare thigh. I will be fine as long as I’m in waist deep water…

• I went back to the Doctor today. I was going to cancel and see a movie with Wifey instead but there was nothing on so I went, mostly to kill time. I saw a different lady doctor this time. She’s my new favorite person in the entire world. She was just so sweet and understanding and totally called my bluff. I was very intent on going in and putting on my happy face and saying it’s all fine, not to worry and that I’ll just keep doing what I’m doing, but she knew the medication wouldn’t have made much of a difference in a week, so she just talked to me about stuff. I have to start taking a full pill, apparently you only take half a pill for a week so your brain gets used to it. She also recommends a long term health plan meaning I’ll probably be on it for at least a year and that it would be good if I could see a psychologist. I can handle that too. She was just so lovely, she kept congratulating me for coming in and doing something about it and how scary it must have been and that I did so good to be brave and do it. She also told me to only hang around the people who make me feel good and that it’s OK to stay away from the people I can’t handle right now because it’s a survival skill and it’s just what I need to do right now. I also have a "prescription" to do something lovely for myself every day. She was just a really beautiful person, and made me feel so good and truly recognized how scary it was for me to actually go to a doctor and spill my beans. I just feel really comfortable with her and she just seems to get everything. I still don’t feel massively different, but I guess more time and taking a full pill might really gets this happening. I’m really glad she saw through my "I’m fine" act and told me that it’s OK not to be fine right now, and that I should just give myself a break. It was nice to hear a doctor say that.

• The protesting thing was pretty interesting. When Wifey and I walked past about twenty minutes before it was meant to kick off there was about seven people standing around, one of whom was wearing a rainbow flag. We went and had a coffee, I wasn’t so sure about it, the people we saw all seemed to know each other and I was worried about us just rocking up being all "hi, we are hear for the protest, go lesbians" but when we went back they’d move to a little space and there was probably about thirty people there. They had a few speakers, as well as the boys who’s had the civil ceremony at the consulate just before. Andrew Bartlett spoke and he mentioned how it was important to have same sex relationships recognized because it sends the message to the community and people who are confused about their sexuality that same sex relationships are "toxic" and less important than straight relationships. I thought that was a really good point, as someone who’s reconsidering what team to play for, the idea that hooking up with a girl is so much less "OK" than it is if I was to do the same thing with a guy is wickedly confusing and unnecessary. Andrew also said how that any legislation that defines what sort of love is acceptable is entirely awful because true love is so hard to find and we should do everything possible to make it easier for people in love to be together. What a lovely sentiment. (I still won’t vote for him, The Greens are just lovely but I am most concerned with getting rid of Howard so I have to vote for old mate Kev, surely for that reason). After everyone had done their speaking they did a little march along the footpath (on the way to a pub) shouting some stuff and waving signs, Wifey and I tagged along at the back for a little while then ditched them.

• I believe Wifey and I (and others, hopefully) are going to a party at the uni bar tomorrow that has something to do with the protest today. All I know is that there will be drag queens, and that is awesome. Wifey is pumped, I am not sure what to expect but that’s a fairly common theme with my life these days, so I may as well go and see how it is. Plus there is a bar, it can’t be that bad It’s the same bar that Best and I went to see The Spazzy’s play at a million years ago, so if nothing else it has nice memories for me (i.e the night Kat Spazzy and I had eye sex).

• My nose stud was evicted this morning. I was a little hard to get out, clearly it wasn’t finished annoying me yet, but it’s gone now. I now have what looks like a massive pimple on the side of my nose which is really charming.

• That’s about as good as it gets today. I have been out all day and I am wrecked. I also have to work all day tomorrow and have a potentially late night tomorrow so I’m going to go have a shower and put myself to bed.

• I can’t quite tell you how awesome having no appetite is. It is brilliant. Having no desire to eat any food and eating purely for the purpose of not dying is great! I would never have called myself an "emotional eater" and I was never one to binge a great deal or anything, but after a bad day at work or uni I’d come home and gorge myself on as much chocolate as I could find in the house, now I am indifferent to chocolate. I bought some of my favourite chemist jelly beans the other week and I haven’t eaten any of them, I just don’t feel like them. Previously I would have eaten them all just because I love them, not because I was even hungry. It’s truly bizarre. I think my stomach is also shirking because I don’t eat lunch anymore. I know it’s bad for my metabolism and all of that, but I just don’t have the time or inclination to eat while I’m at work, I used to have a fairly big early dinner but now I just eat normal dinner at normal time. Awesome!

• I think my chill pills are starting to have an effect. Only a little bit, but it’s there. I am much more chilled, I think. I still freak out and worry about stuff but less than I normally would, and I don’t have the news ticker of worries running through my mind. I am going back to the doctor tomorrow to see how things are going. I am not going to up my dose, I will leave it as it is. I feel a week is too soon to make a decision about this, so I’ll give it a whole month to really do what it’s meant to do before increasing it. I want to go back and get a repeat prescription so I have a back up for when I start to work more hours and won’t have time to get to the doctor for a new script for a while.

• My nose stud is being evicted. It’s been shitting me for weeks now and I’m just sick of it. I can’t find a stud that will just sit flat with my nose, they all poke up just a little bit. It doesn’t sound so bad but it’s the few millimeters that will mean it could catch on toweling or a piece of clothing and rip itself out. It also looks a bit stupid to have the stem sticking out under a stud that hovers above my nose, I push it back down all the time but it always pops back out. I’ve tried three different studs and they all do it and I’m just not bothered to spend anymore time or effort finding a decent stud. If I want it pierced again somewhere down the line I can have it done, but for now I am just over it.

• My teeth still farking hurt! I meant to call the surgeon when I got home this afternoon but I ended up working late and got home too late, it’s a job for tomorrow morning. It’s just pressure, it feels the same way as my braces did after they’d been tightened. I have my retainers from when I had braces stuck on to the back of my teeth, so they can’t move. My wisdom tooth would very much like them to move so it can come out further, so it just pushes and my other teeth hold tight so it just ends up hurting me. I’ve heard of people’s jaws breaking from the pressure, so I’ve been poking at my jaw bone and I’ve found a sore spot. I am resisting the urge to believe it’s a broken bit. I tend to be just a touch dramatic. I know in a few days they’ll settle down again, as they always do, but for now I’d love to gnaw on a teething ring, baby-style, it would make it feel much better.

• My "Kevin07" tshirt came today. I’d like to congratulate Kevin on using the most ill-fitting tshirts in the universe to have his slogan printed that must have been quite an effort to find them, though they are made in Australia, so I’ll give him props for that.  I might need to do a bit of nipping and tucking but I’ll still wear it on Saturday. Hooray for Election Day!

• I am going with Wifey to something in the city tomorrow about gay marriage. I figured seeing as I have a wife I should probably get behind the cause, plus I am all for anyone being able to marry to person they love, regardless of what gender they identify with so I should go along and give my support. I don’t love that Kevin isn’t supportive of gay marriage, if we weren’t such old friends I probably wouldn’t vote for him, just because of that. I believe two members of the queer collective from uni are having their relationship recognized in a civil ceremony at one of the embassies that allows civil unions between same sex couples plus there will be some speakers talking about stuff. I’ve never been to any sort of activism event, I assume this one will be nice (considering it involves two people committing themselves to each other forever and ever) as opposed to one of the shouting, marching type events. Fingers crossed anyways, look out for me on the news if it all gets ugly!

• If you read me often you’ll know I am meant to be going to a mentoring training thing at uni tomorrow instead. The thought of attending a class at uni after the semester is over is more than I can bare, so I am piking and hanging with Wife instead. Uni will be around next semester, Wifey will not. Plus, I have a stupidly large amount of money in my bank due to a large pay day and a tax refund, I have to go and get rid of some of it…for the greater good, you know? There might be some poor shoes out there longing for a loving home…

Ta to Amanda for my questions!

1. You’ve sometimes written about your
plans to move to London with Bestie in the future. Is there anywhere else
in the world that you’d like to live, and why?

I would like to live in Italy, because it’s Italy and any place that has villas and pasta is OK by me. Plus maybe Spain would be fun too, cause I can speak a tiny amount of bad, small talk in Spanish plus there would also be nice beaches and good food. I would also like to live in the hinterlands or someplace else that is nice, so I can be a wee farmer of sorts and have some pets like maybe a goat and some ducks. I also need to live by the sea at some point as well. I think it’s best if I just become a gypsy and buy a caravan right away.

2. Everyone knows that you’re a wee
crafty button. Are there any crafty activities that you’re dying to try,
but due to monetary constraints, or unavailability in Brisvegas, you haven’t
been able to?
I love mosaic but it’s fairly expensive (if you use the pretty, precut tiles) and not having my own house means that there are very few spots I could display my work and keep D’Olds happy as well. I’d also really love to blow glass but I don’t believe there is any place I can learn to do that in Brisbane, nor do I have an empty warehouse to play with my glass in should I have the skillz. Casting resin is fun, I might start doing that again now that I am cashed up. The whole monetary constraint thing is changing now, previously everything was too expensive because it’s a bit silly to buy crafty supplies when you have no income but now there is cash flowing things are a bit more feasible. I think not having my own house is the hardest thing, having to confine my mess creative flow to my study or having to do things that I can clean up before D’Olds come home and get cranky about the mess. I’d love to my own studio one day so I can spread my crap around and not make anyone cranky.

3. If you suddenly found yourself alone
with Vikky Waif (like how I called her that?), what would you do
with her (apart from dying with joy)?
I did like how you called her that, it’s her official title. I’d probably just blush and either say nothing or just babble incessantly about rubbish that I’d actively regret later. If I was in her presence and had maintained my composure I’d just want her to sing my favourite songs and maybe hold hands with me, and hug me, so I can tell everyone I know I hugged/held hands with Vikki Waif. This is the reason I’d never want to meet anyone I hold in high esteem, realizing they are just people who are probably similar nervous/awkward about meeting a stranger would be a little bit crushing. I would much rather leave her in my mind as shiny, wonderful Vikki Waif. Back up wife and lady who can make my heart soar or whither with a single verse.


4. You’ve been at uni a bit longer than
the average bear, and even though you’re planning of going out into the
working world soon, I suspect you’d like to study forever. If you were
to stay at uni, what would you study next?
I am thinking of moving into speech therapy. I really like talking (if you hadn’t guessed), language, sounds, words and all of that, and I
think it would be just stupidly interesting. I think I would be crushed
if I never did at least a Masters. I’d like to keep it education and/or health related, or something to do with wee ones. Even though I don’t want one to live at my house, children are far more fun than adults to live with. I am starting to really regret not doing a science degree, it would have opened heaps more doors in terms of the health field, but live and learn I suppose, I still have plenty of years left to study, I hope!

5. You’ve admitted to your penchant
for car karaoke- what would it take to get you signing on stage, in front
of an audience?
Several bottles of wine and a dark room. Honestly. I don’t know if it will ever happen, the thought of doing it makes my stomach drop. I love singing so much, and doing it in front of other people and not being perfect at it would just ruin me, so I couldn’t do it. Plus it would be terrifying to see other people listening to me, so I’d have to sing in complete darkness. I would love to take lessons but I really can’t imagine putting myself out there like that. Maybe one day, but I wouldn’t hold your breath for my album

The deal is that I have to ask if you guys want some questions and then if you do, you comment and I’ll email some back to you. You can do that if you want but please don’t expect hard hitting or insightful questions, I am crap at thinking of good things to ask. I am much better at asking a thousand ordinary questions, what can I say, it’s a gift.

In other news, D’Olds are going out tonight so I get a night to myself to wallow in my own misery.I went to a new candy store today, and by candy store, I mean heaven on earth. I have a six pack of Dr Pepper (with one of those plastic holders around the tops of the cans that gets stuck on turtles necks, remember those?!), a bag of Jolly Ranchers, a cookies and cream Hershey’s bar (gone, I couldn’t resist),  Knocked Up, Stranger Than Fiction and the whole first series of  How I Met Your Mother to entertain myself with tonight. The new candy store means I don’t have to travel all the way to the city to buy Jolly Ranchers and is significantly cheaper than my current supplier which pretty much means everything is right in the world.

I still have absolutely no appetite, I feel hungry sometimes but I can hardly force myself to eat. Ordinarily I’d be more than half way through the Dr Pepper and the Jolly Ranchers would be all but gone but I haven’t opened anything yet. I have a feeling this no appetite business will be about the best thing in the world, being calm, content and skinny, could one ask for more?! (Well, it would be nice if the pills could also triple my bank balance, but I am going to go ahead and be grateful for what I already have). I still don’t feel much different, aside from being super tired and not even slightly hungry, but I’ve only had one and a half pills so far so it’s very early days I guess.

Today I went to buy the floral purse I linked a little while ago, but it must have been sold because I couldn’t find it again. I did find a new handbag though. I wasn’t really looking but it was such a nice size and it had a perfect length strap and it has a tassel on it, and I love tassels, so I bought it. I will post some pictures later. It’s also Urban Originals but I can’t see it on their site, it might be one of the new ones because it wasn’t in David Jones last time I was there. I also got a bracelet thing from Diva. I paid full price for it after waiting three weeks for it to go on sale, Murphy’s Law means it will be $4 next time I am in store. I feel dirty after paying $15 for something in Diva, that’s usually how much I spend in there over the course of an entire year. Dammit.

I made some poor choices last night, so I am entirely to blame for how I feel right now. No sympathy.

After my exam Jac, Wifey and I were going to go to mini golf and the uni bar, but the uni bar was closed (horror of horrors!) and it looked like it might have rained so we canned golf and went to the Normanby instead. Wifey and I walked there from uni and Jac met us there a little bit after that. I started with a mojito made by a girl who was training in the bar. I saw her pour two shots of bacardi in, another girl told me there was no mint and it was served it a stemmed cocktail glass. It was strong enough to knock someone backwards off a chair but I’ve never let that come between me and a drink. I’d had a glass of wine when Wifey and I had a late lunch, so I was already tipsy and after the mojito straight bacardi with lime wedges it was a good idea to have several Long Island Iced Teas. I shouldn’t have been drinking to excess but I really wanted to have fun and just feel happy so I made the choice to write myself off and self medicate, knowing that I am not really meant to while on medication. They always have those warning on medicine, and I’ve paid no attention to them previously, but clearly when taking medicine that messes with your brain it would be wise to heed these warnings. It was a shitty idea.

I think it was about 11:30pm when we went into the Valley. Jac wanted to go to a strip club and Wifey and I hadn’t been before and I was too drunk to care, so we went. The first place wouldn’t let us in without a guy. Right. The peep show Jac knew of was closed so we had to settle for another strip club. It wasn’t quite what I expected, as I told Bestie it smelt like sadness and desperation. I am all for strip clubs, more power to anyone who wants to take off their clothes and dance around, and if people wanna pay to watch that that’s cool too, but it just really got to me and I’m not exactly sure why. I got another drink (to try and make it more bareable) but in the end I just had to go out. Wifey came after me and wouldn’t leave me outside with the dodgy old guys who were standing around smoking, so we went back in to get Jac so we could leave but I just couldn’t stay. I was in a really, really bad place after that, I feel like a shell and was entirely numb. Jac and Wifey were incredibly aware that things weren’t good, but I had no way of articulating how I felt, nor did I have any idea why I was feeling that way (medication combined with alcohol, I’d say now that I thought about it). We got a cab and dropped Jac off first, the driver ran over a possum on the way (which was great for my mood), then after Jac had gone home and we were driving to Wifey’s our cab had to swerve to miss an accident that happen right next to us as we were driving between a car and another taxi.  It was a weird ending to a sort of weird night.

I still feel like total shit. I feel numb and dazed and absolutely disgusting. Part of it is a massive hangover, part is the embarrassment of not being "fine" and Jac and Wifey knowing it, and I think part of it is the medicine. I have read a lot about it online and it seems quite a few people feel really shitty for a couple of weeks before things get better. I am going to start taking it at night time because it knocks me out so hard and it’s too hard to resist the urge to fall asleep during the day. I don’t feel much different at the moment, the worrying is subsiding, I have to try harder to worry about things. On Wednesday night I think I may have dislocated my finger in my sleep. Remember how I blogged about having aching fingers a little while ago? I found out I sleep with my fists really tightly clenched (after I clenched my fist when I woke up and realised that’s the exact position that makes my hands so sore) and I think I clenched to tightly I wrecked one finger. The first knuckle is all swollen and reddish/purple on the sides, hopefully that habit will go as well. Yesterday morning I was trying to think of things to worry about to "check" if anything was working yet, and it required conscious thought think of some worries, rather than them always being there. Some are still there all the time, but other bits are starting to fade away. I am going to stick it out for at least two weeks, from what I have read it takes most people about two weeks to a month to really feel different and have all the side effects go away. I have noticed that I have absolutely no appetite, In the past three days I have eaten barely anything, I just have no desire to eat food, even chocolate and all the other stuff I would always be able to eat. This could be brilliant!

For now I am going to go to sleep, I really need to sleep right now. I just had like a three hour nap, things feel better and I could totally have slept until tomorrow morning, but I shouldn’t do it.

Also, if it wasn’t obvious from my post, I am going to stop drinking for a while. I will still have a couple of glasses of wine sometimes, but I am laying off the episodes of numerous cocktails or several bottles of wine, I’ve started to drink for the wrong reasons and that’s not cool. I am not going to self medicate anymore and just wait and see if the actual medicine works, that and I am pretty sure my liver would like a bit of a break.

…and the pudding is still setting. No, that’s a lie, but that’s what I expect tomorrow to bring.

I did it. I went to the doctor and sat in a little room with a nice view of a garden and blurted out all my worries to a lovely Indian man who listened very patiently, nodded and prompted when necessary and did, at no point, make me feel the slightest bit like the absolute, raving nutbag I felt I was being. I even referred to myself as crazy a few times and he never shrugged and nodded, like most people do when I say I call myself crazy. Right at this second, there is half of a wee tablet inside me, hopefully spreading some happiness and calm around the inner reaches of my brain. In my mind, I imagine the tablet is like a hand patting the hair of all the little stressed out bits of my brain, just giving them a little love and telling them that everything will be OK. My very first thought when I walked out of the surgery was "It’s over" and when I was driving home I realized that I may well have fixed the one thing that I never thought I’d be able to change. I just assumed working myself into a blind panic about most everything was just the way I was meant to be, and that I’d just have to live my life around that, never do the things I really desperately want to do, because they are too terrifying to consider, but just do the stuff I could muster up the courage to do.

I am on Zoloft, well, I got the generic version (I may be crazy, but I am cheap, first and foremost). I take half a tablet each day until next Thursday when I go back and explain if the crazy has eased a bit or if we need to try a whole tablet. Because I am crazy in need to just a little bit of help, I am worried that I won’t know when I feel "better". I don’t know what better is. Better is a day I don’t feel ill from worrying, better would being able to go out, at night, around lots of people and not have a deep seated sense of dread about it, better would be going to a party and not having to be blind drunk to be able to relax and have a good time. I am going to go ahead and assume that "better" is like being in love, you think you know what it feels like, but until you are you just don’t totally get it. I think better might be being able to fall asleep without thinking about my prac. Since I made the decision to go to the remote prac next year, I could count on one hand how often I have fallen asleep not panicking about doors and door stops. Normal people would just let it go, not and option for me. Zoloft has some side effects, like every other medicine out there. Wikipedia tells me nausea and ejaculation failure are the two most common, I can live with the nausea and I’d suggest the ejaculation failure will be fine also.

However, I’m not fixed, and I won’t be fixed tomorrow but I am feeling really, really hopeful. I have a light at the end of my tunnel, it has probably always been there but in the past few weeks it feels like I haven’t been able to lift my head to see it, I can do that again now. I really want to pass on my very most sincere thanks to all of the lovely people who’ve commented and emailed me to spill their own beans or just pass on some kind words. I can assure you that your support was instrumental in me working up the courage to actually do something about this this time, and I appreciate it more than I am able to articulate. I also am so grateful for Wifey for just letting me spill my beans and listen to me and continuing to push it and ask how I am feeling. My instinct would have been to sweep up the beans and tuck them away, pretending I never said anything, but having someone pursue it and keep asking has made the world of difference and I have been able to seek out and get proper help for the first time ever.

Thank you, so much. It has meant more than you realize

I am having the biggest sad at the moment. It’s been on since yesterday the Sunday before last and I just can’t shake it. There is no one thing that is making me feel bad, it’s just a combination of lots of little things that has put me in my funk. I have no good reason to be sad. I have lots of lovely friends, nice D’Olds, a nice place to live, a job, an education and I really should be feeling all happy and grateful but it just don’t seem to count at the moment and I feel like I just want to cry and crawl into bed and never come out. The main reason I did not go to the coast last night is that I could not bring myself to be around that many people. I haven’t felt like that in a long time. I went and saw "Good Luck Chuck" today, seeing a fun movie is normally my surefire cure to feeling shitty but it didn’t work today. I just need something more than me to shake this, I can’t do it just on my own.

A couple of years ago I went to the Doctor about the way I was feeling. It was much like this, but it lasted a longer time and there was even more tears than there are now and much less functioning. One fantastic day I worked up every gram of energy I could muster and went to Coles but accidentally left my purse in the car, I realized when I got to the checkout that I didn’t have it and then had to go back to my car and sit and cry about it about. I just couldn’t handle feeling so useless, I’m pretty keen not to make it to that point again. The Doctor said that if it kept up he could give me medication but that I should just suck it up for a while longer to make sure I really did feel shitty. I’m sure he used smarter words than that, but that was the general gist of it. As a result I never went back because I figured it can’t have been that bad compared to people who actually have depression and just tried really desperately to shake it, and slowly but surely it improved and I was back to feeling like a version of myself. There has been other times, at various points in my life, and each time it has gone away eventually but it is not something I’d wish upon my worst enemy.

A few weeks ago at uni I said something about worrying and I girl I know said she used to do that but now she had medication to make it stop. I never realized you could get it to stop, I figured you would have to go to counseling or hypnotherapy and there wasn’t just a pill to fix things. I have been a "worry wart" since I can remember, it’s all I have ever known. Ask me at any point on any given day and I’ll give you a list of things I am worried about. For weeks it has been the engagement party, lately it is going to the bush. It’s not just a passing thought, it’s all consuming and most days of the week I have a knot in my stomach about something. Normal people don’t do that. Normal people don’t worry about something that is a good five months away that is nothing to be worried about in the first place.

So my big question is, do I do something about it this time? Do I muster up the courage to admit to someone, face to face, that things aren’t actually sunshine and pudding? That I have been on the brink of tears most hours of the day for the past couple of weeks. That I am having more and more trouble resisting the urge to go to bed and never come out. That going out and being around people is becoming a little bit harder every day and I have to make myself do it. That my heart just aches at the moment because I just feel sad, even though I know I shouldn’t. That I can’t stop stressing, even when Wifey looks me right in the eye and asks me to stop and calm down, that I just can’t do it because I never have, and have no idea what that would feel like. Bestie has set her wedding date for next September and I have already started to worry about what day I should arrive there and how I will get home and if I will do a good enough job of maid of honor.

But I don’t know if I want to be medicated, mostly because I am terrified of what that will make me. I don’t know if I want to start taking medicine that will be really hard to stop taking, just to feel better.  What if it’s only a little bit better? Is it even worth all the stress of "outing" myself and admitting things aren’t fine just to feel a little smidge better? On the other hand I am scared of spending another day of my life, the fabulous and limited gift of life that I am so lucky to have, feeling like a waste of skin who would rather lie in bed and cry than go out and do fun things with the people who like her very much, and who can have a calm and settled mind without a thousand thoughts rushing through it every second, without needing a bottle of champagne to feel that way. 

I know it’s a huge thing to ask but does anyone have any advice? Or understand how I feel? I almost cried (not surprising, considering how I’ve been lately) when the girl at uni told me she used to be the same way, someone else who understand you can’t just "stop worrying" when someone asks you to, because it’s not even your choice anymore. If you don’t want to comment you can email me, that would be good too. Or even if you know how I can just suck it up? Anything? I don’t want to feel like this anymore and aside from starting each day with a couple of wines, I am not sure how else I can do it. (Don’t fret, I don’t have wine for breakfast, but it’s becoming an increasingly attractive option).

Sunshine and pudding will resume tomorrow.

Edit: I have just been chatting to Wifey online and I spilled my beans, every last insane bean. I think it’s about the first time I have been entirely truthful about how much crazy I have inside me with another person. Bestie knows I have my own special sort of crazy, and has a fairly good understanding of it all, but this is the first time I’ve laid it all bear in one fell swoop. It was absolutely the most terrifying thing I’ve done in a long time, but it feels amazing to not have it in my head anymore. Having said that, there is no way I’d be brave enough to  say it in person to anyone, but baby steps, you know? I have also shaken a lot of the funk, things seem a whole bunch more possible now, which is awesome. I think I am going to go to the doctor at uni sometime this week and tell someone about how much I worry and see if I can’t get some wonderful prescription drugs to take the edge off. I know all the coping strategies and ways to calm down I just need something to take the edge off so I can do the rest myself, then I know I will be fine. I am so overjoyed at the thought I could just about squeal, which is sort of sad and hopeful, all in one neat package.

• I know it seems like all I do it Dotty McPoints these days, but I never have enough to write for a single post, nor do I have enough time these days to write as many posts as I could, so this is the best way to cover all my bits and pieces in one tidy package. Thoughts and feelings? Do we like the points, or do we want real posts more often?

• Last night would be a tick in the "good to really good" category. I collected Jac from her house about 6pm and headed off the Bestie’s. Earlier in the day I had almost been sick with nerves but had gotten over it a bit. When we arrived there wasn’t too many people there so Jac and I were able to establish our presence and stake our ground so that made me feel better, I like having some time to prepare. When we got there Best offered drinks and I practiced my "yes, but I have to drive" spiel and said I had to drop Jac home. Jac told me that MrNL was already prepped to collect her so she didn’t need me to take her home. I saw it as a sign from the heavens that I was meant to be drinking. Textgirl and her partner were there when we arrived and she talked to Jac and I right away, which surprised me. The Ex and his gf arrived about a half hour after us with W in tow. They walked past Jac and I like we did not exist, just as I expected. Textgirl had a few words with me while they were there, but generally hang out with them. BOF and her new bf came and talked with us for quite a while. Her new partner is really nice and I think it’s done good things for her, she definitely a person who’s more "herself" with a partner. The Ex and his gf left after about 45 minutes, which was a bit weird. We moved from our patch of turf to around the corner near a table of food. W came over and talked to us for a bit, he was nice which surprised me. Best came out with a bottle of Moet and her, Jac and I went into a little courtyard bit at the side of the house and had a glass of it while Best gave the lowdown on the latest gossip. On her instruction we snuck back through the front door and into her bedroom to suss out the engagement gifts (gift cards and photo frames were popular). Textgirl came in, Best popped back out and BP came in for a chat and told his version of how the proposal went down. Most people had left about 11:30pm and Jac went about midnight. Best wouldn’t let me call a taxi so I chatted to her and her dad for a little bit while her dad packed some stuff up. I estimate that I personally would have gone through about two bottles of Yellow, as well as a third of a bottle of Moet, but there was still heaps of wine left. Best’s dad insisted I take two bottles of Yellow home.

• I must have gotten home about 1:20am. I don’t really recall, I texted Wifey just before I fell asleep and her reply was just after 1:30am so that’s what I am basing my estimates on. I called a taxi and it arrived in what felt like two minutes and I remember Bestie knocking on the drivers window and telling him to take care of me and giving him the serious pointed finger before I drove away. With me I had a clutch bag, two bottles of Yellow and my birthday presents (awesome! I got a "I’m big on Europe" tshirt from my favorite tshirt shop in Freo, a necklace, a bracelet and a Venetian glass ring from a bead shop and some soursop tea from The Good Store) which were all loose packages. When I got to mine I rolled out the taxi with both arms full of all my stuff, stumbled across the front lawn with my pants falling down (classy), pounded up the stairs, dropped my handbag and had trouble opening the door. I was in fine form. I woke up this morning just after 7am and realized I’d fallen asleep with my phone so I was holding it, about to put it on my bedside table and it started ringing. It was a girl from uni but I was too out of it to answer so I put it under my pillow and tried to go back to sleep, it didn’t work and I got up about 8am. I felt a bit seedy but mostly just super tired, I’m surprised considering how much I drank, maybe the Moet canceled out all the Yellow?

• I was meant to be going to the coast tonight but I am not going. I am tired and hung over and I didn’t want to drive by myself. It’s one of those "greater good" decisions, I’d like to go see the girls and Wifey but I know I’d get sick if I didn’t sleep well tonight so I’m just going to be boring and do nothing. I had a three hour Nanna nap this arvo and I’m still tired. They will be fine without me, B called this afternoon and called me a slack tart, but I can live with that. It’s sort of a graduation type trip for those girls and they’ve all been friends for ages before I came on the scene so I think it’s good for them to hang around together without me always being there anyways.

• When I lunched with Wife yesterday I was saying how I probably won’t come to the coast and she was saying she is sure I will because I’m that sort of person. She said that her and K have worked me out and that I’m the sort of person who would never ask someone to come someplace or do something but I’d just secretly really wish they would. I’m not sure if it was meant to be a nasty thing or not? I don’t think that’s a good quality, really. It’s totally true, but I don’t do it to be coy or annoying, I just hate obligation. I would hate for someone to feel like they have to do something just because I wanted them to, I would much prefer they did it because they wanted to.  It’s probably crap reasoning and I’m sure it does come off as really annoying, but it’s absolutely tied to being a whole "all or nothing" sort of person and I do very little out of obligation so I just want other people to want to do things too. That’s crap right? Should I just accept that some people just don’t care about stuff as much as I do, so I have to settle for things being the product of obligation sometimes?

• I think I’m also sort of cheesed that someone thinks they could work me out so easily. I haven’t worked me out, how could someone else have done it?!  I’m not sure if I’m cheesed at that or because I am apparently easy to work out? I’m not sure what is worse?

• I’m in a weird mood at the moment. I feel like I’m in a rut, but not really because I just have a sense that better things are coming, so right now seems a bit…"eh" in comparison. I distinctly remember in July that I blogged about how I could just anticipate a change coming, and I wasn’t sure what it was but it would definitely happen. I think it’s very safe to say that that has happened, or is happening still, so I think I’m right about this too. I think I might become involved with someone soon, I just feel like I’ve got a bunch of gushy girl feelings and there might be someone coming to me who will be the recipient of it all. I would like that very much.

• Conversely, I have become extremely anti child at the moment. I used to be that way for years, then recently soften to "Awww, maybe I really do want one", but I’m back to "Hell no!" again. Not sure what has done it, I think I have just realized that what I like to do and what I want to do in my life isn’t complimented by having someone else needing me 24/7 for a number of years. I will be the first to admit I am far too selfish and self absorbed to be the parent I would want to be for my own child. Everyone always raises the "But you work with kids every day, how can you dislike them". I will work with students, kids who come to school to learn, they don’t need me to make their sandwich for lunch or need to be driven to swimming or want to go to a sleepover at Andrew’s on Saturday night, or need the latest ipod because everyone else has one and GOD why won’t I just listen sometimes. Bestie will breed, lots of other people I know will have kids, I will have plenty around me so I am very happy to be around them and not to have any that live in my house with me and require a glass of water at 2:17am.

• I bought a ring for my nose yesterday. It’s a hoop with a little space and there is a little ball that is kind of pinched in place. The gap where the little ball fits is pretty little so I tried to squeeze it around my nostril next to the hole (to see what it would look like) then realized if I got it into the actual piercing hole and changed my mind it’d sort of have to rip it back off again which would be incredibly painful and decided that even though it looked alright I wasn’t in to tearing the hole. My nose was already pretty angry about all of that, so I put my new stud in (same type as the first one, just with a clear crystal). My nose was a bit angry last night, but nothing too bad, but I woke up this morning with the stud caked in dried blood and plasma and blood on my cheek. I assume that I’ve been drunk in my sleep and done a big face snuggle into a pillow and have torn it around a bit. I’ve done it once before accidentally and it bleed then as well (because I guess it tears at the hole) but this time it was messy so I must have managed to pull it really hard. It’s OK now though, just a little bit tender, after I cleaned it up it was fine.

• I’m done.

• First and foremost, I feel like such a brat! It was entirely unintentionally but I realized I’ve behaved like such a shit and now I feel really terrible. Wifey took today off work just to meet Bestie because she knows how important it was to me, spend the entire day being lovely and fabulous and then planned to go out to lunch tomorrow with Bestie and I because it is my birthday. But it turns out Bestie probably has a bit too much to do and can’t fit it in so I told Wifey not to worry about it. That’s such a shitty thing to do! At the time I was thinking that it saves her having to go out for lunch tomorrow and it doesn’t really feel like it’s my birthday tomorrow cause I did the present and cake and party thing last weekend, but on the way home just now I realized that’s so rude and she wanted to spend my birthday with me and I was all like "No, don’t worry about it". I feel so bad! I texted her and said I was a shit and that I’d be very grateful if she wants to hang out. Awwwwww, I was mean and I might have hurt her feelings and I feel positively racked with guilt. I hope Wifey isn’t sad. It’s all good, I chatted to her, she didn’t take it that way and called me a goose, so I know it’s sorted. Thank god, I couldn’t bear the thought of upsetting someone, particularly her.

• Seeing Bestie was very good, we had a last minute change of plans so Best and I had breakfast in Paddington and then high tailed it to the Valley to watch Wifey’s haircut. After that we stopped at Wagamama for a drink and edamame, I drove Bestie and BP back home so they could go do the wedding cake thing, then Wifey and I went to Southbank for tea, then thought about seeing a movie but it was all rubbish, then had a glass of wine, then K met us for a very early dinner and I was home by 7:30pm. The breakfast I had this morning was amazing. I had baked eggs and sourdough toast but the girl added some asparagus into the eggs because it is in season and was really fresh and wonderful. She was right. Baked eggs might be my new favorite thing. I just realized everything I have eaten of drunk today has been purchased and outside of home, I don’t think I’ve ever eaten out so much in my life.

• Bestie and Wifey also get along really well. Almost too well, this makes me infinitely pleased and I can now die happy. I am not sure if I like them ganging up on me, I can only argue with one at a time.

• While we were watching Wifey today, Best and I were talking weddings. She had been trying to convince me all morning to study architecture after this degree because I’d be a good architect. I disagree, I think if anything I would do interior design, but apparently she knows and I don’t. I don’t want to be an architect. Then she said I should be a wedding celebrant so I could do her wedding for her. Her eyes got big and she started talking fast so I know she’s really into the idea. I had a look, it doesn’t seem overly difficult. From what I can gather it seems they cap the number of celebrants there are each year, so I can’t get recognized or whatever until September next year which means I may not be done in time for her wedding anyways, but it might just be fun to do anyways. I’d love to have all these random qualifications, being a JP might be fun too. Wifey is going to get a forklift license so we can be a pair with a very diverse range of skills.

• Yesterday I got all my shit done, and as a result was able to wear my sparkley silver sandals grocery shopping last night. When we were checking out the girl lifted a bag which just split open and a big bottle of cordial just exploded. I was standing at the end of the checkout desk where you get your groceries when they are in the bags so I got it sprayed all up one leg of my jeans as well as ALL over my new shoes. I really wanted to cry, they were like three hours old and covered in sticky, orange cordial. It looked like it had stained the leather inner sole, so there was almost real tears as I thought they’d been wrecked forever. Thankfully baby wipes fixed them up when I got home. Never underestimate the power of a baby wipe, they can fix anything.

• You know what shits me? When on TV or in movies, when something really awesome or amazing happens and someone is all "I don’t know what to say!" and the other person is all "Don’t say anything". Hell yes, say something. I would always prefer words over no words, even if it was "Oh my god! I have no words". What if when you are all "Don’t say anything" they are thinking "Wow, this is crap and now really awkward because you’re thinking I’m all in awe and stuff"? That would be weird. I am not very good at saying nothing, clearly, so I don’t support saying nothing. I even talk during movies and TV shows, there is nothing more fun than watching a movie and talking about it while it’s on. I don’t do it in the cinema, it’s inconsiderate, but I do still whisper to my movie friend often, because I can’t not. I’m also pretty crap at keeping up with movies who have characters who look similar so I need to ask lots of questions.

• Tomorrow is going to be busy!