Somewhere, something incredible is waiting to be known

Last night Jac and I were all ready for a big night of Happy High Herbs, we bought something the other day that the girl at the store told us it would result in “visuals”, a blissful feeling, random laughing and a feeling of heightened awareness. I went over to Jac’s and we had an awesome roast pumpkin pizza, took our stuff and waited for the magic to happen.

….then we waited a bit longer…

…then we went to sit outside thinking maybe fresh air and natural scenery would inspire something…

…then we got bored and looked at buttons online and chatted until 2am.

It was a total bust. Jac took a little more than I did and she said she felt weird and saw a couple of things that weren’t quite right, but I didn’t really feel anything. At one point when we were outside there was a yellow light on which made the verandah railing look bright yellow and in contrast with the darkness of the night it looked a bit cool, and the railing sort of looked like it was breathing (getting slightly bigger, then slightly thinner) but it was really nothing too  exceptional. I would have felt far more magical taking a cold and flu tablet with a Cruiser, plus it would have been heaps cheaper. Bestie kept texting me, demanding to know when things started to happen and hoping to live the experience vicariously through me, but unfortunately I had nothing to tell her. Hugely disappointing.

I am over herbal drugs now, I have done my belated teenage experimentation and it’s all good now. I don’t want to try real drugs, and herbal drugs are clearly pretty hit and miss so I am just going to stick to my old friends wine and cocktails, they never fail to impress.

I suppose things did turn out well, because I didn’t end up staying at Jac’s last night I was able to wake up this morning and tidy my office/studio/arty farty room. It was painfully overdue, I couldn’t see the top of the table previously, and the piles of crap were spilling onto the chairs but now it’s all sorted. I will have lots of room to make some button magic when my press arrives. Good times.

D’Mummy and I also went to the nursery to get some plants. I bought a big aloe vera plant and some coriander, basil, parsley and chives. The basil is amazing, I love basil at the best of times but these plants are so fragrant, the stems are really thick and strong and the leaves are all green and glossy. Previously, the herbs we have grown have all been those ones in little pots bought at the supermarket but they all end up dying. These herbs have been grown outside on a healthy diet of sunshine and neglect so I think they’ll continue to go well in our garden. My green thumb could be described as questionable at the best of times, but they all just seem so healthy it seems impossible to kill them. I am not hopeful about the coriander, I love coriander so much and would love to have some on hand at all times but Bestie has trouble growing it and she’s an awesome gardener so I am pretty sure mine will die. Time will tell.

Now I am tired, I got home at 3am and woke up at 9:30am but it just doesn’t feel like enough sleep. I am itching to get back to work, I am sick of doing nothing and I don’t want to go shopping and spend more money or anything. The weather is also pretty shitty at the moment so even doing things outside is hit and miss because you will either be blown inside out or rained on. Hurry up 2008, I am so over 2007!

……and I really want to use my new diary. (Nerd!)

So pretty much I now have everything I have ever wanted, ever.

I have been looking at some bicycles on eBay and the Trading Post on-line but they were either too mountain bike-y or just too expensive. I was looking for a old Nanna bicycle for not much money (I gave up on the low rider, they are expensive and too hard to find). This morning when I woke up D’Mummy had circled some bicycles in the Weekend Shopper for me. I called one of them because the ad mentioned something about a retro bicycle with a quilted seat and a parcel rack, and it was only $50. It sounded good but I don’t have $50 to spend on a bicycle right now (well, I do, but I would rather leave it in savings) so D’Olds said they would buy it for me, if I liked it. I called about it and D’Daddy and I went to go and look at it. It’s very sweet, it’s shiny silver (chrome?) and sparkly blue. Almost the same color as my car, now that I think about it. It’s a little bit rusty and a bit tarnished and dirty but once I clean it and polish it, and eventually repaint it, it will be very nice. I am going to add a basket on the front and maybe some handle bar streamers. I think I might be able to sell it for more than $50 if I clean it nicely because it is very “retro”.

I haven’t ridden a bicycle for  a good, oh, twelve years? So I am a bit crap at it but I think it will come back to me if I keep trying. I need to get a helmet so I can ride out in public. My riding practice is not helped by the fact that there isn’t a lot of room to ride a bike in our paved area. I will post some pictures when I have cleaned it a little bit. I might also name it, I think I like the name Nancy.

The other very exciting thing I now own is a button maker. I have wanted one, really bad, for about five years now. They are incredibly expensive to buy, hard to find in Australia and costly to post. As my Christmas present I asked D’Olds to pay for some sort of lessons for me. I was thinking of African drumming or Latin dancing but neither of those were really interesting to me, and by the time classes start uni would be going back not long after and it wouldn’t really be worth the trouble. I asked if I could use my IOU towards a button maker. I was prepared to pay half but D’Olds said they would pay the whole amount. How lovely of them. So now I will be able to make badges. I will also be able to sell them, because who doesn’t love buttons? My kit comes with the equipment to make 250 to start off with, then you can buy more bits, so I will be able to get going as soon as it arrives! I ended up finding a pretty good deal and it was the cheapest price I’ve ever seen for the press, cutter, 250 button components and courier fees. Yay for years of shopping around!

Because I am feeling so much better and confident about everything I think I would even be able to do a market stall now without freaking out about it. I’ve really wanted to previously, but I always worked myself into such a lather it was always too much trouble to go through with things, and much easier to calm down and forget about it. Buttons are such impulse buys and because they are so cheap almost everyone would buy one without thinking too much about the purchase so it means they would make a fairly decent profit. They are stupidly inexpensive to produce so if you can get people to buy your buttons you almost have a license to print money.  I love them myself and almost always buy one or two when I see unique or funny ones for sale, and I know I’m not the only one. I know the whole “band badge” thing is really popular now for indie bands who are just starting out, and lots of people produce small runs of basic badges for the bands to hand out at shows or sell to fans. If I make money from this all I might even have a free badge competition and let people/bands enter to win a set of 50 or so badges with whatever they would like on them. I think it would be a nice way to share the button love, plus I am all about helping little bands/businesses become known, the world needs more independent, creative ventures.

See, this is why I shouldn’t have time off work, I start businesses! Thankfully, work goes back next Wednesday and I’m actually looking forward to it, there is only so much bad day time TV you can watch and Nanna naps you can take before it all gets a bit boring. I have also eaten my body weight in Ferrero Rochers, why are they so good?! Tonight I am going to Jac’s and we are going to try something else from our favourite herb shop. A very good blog post may result, if it has the result it is alleged to have. It’s super, super windy today, hopefully that won’t ruin our night. It would be a nice night to be outside if the rain doesn’t come back and the wind settles down. Silly weather.

I am very appreciative of the world wide web at the moment, because of it’s magical super powers I got to chat to Wifey, even though she is far across the sea. She’s in Singapore being treated to free Internet access and indoor waterfalls before the next part of her flight to London. She’s good and I got to talk about The L Word with her which is both incredibly stupid and enormously comforting all at the same time. I can deal with change, as long as I have some little things to hold on to as being the same as they always have. Talking about rubbish with Wifey is one of them, drinking cheap wine and still parking outside and beeping when I pick her up when she’s back in Brisbane are my things with Bestie. It’s all good so long as I have a couple of things to hold dear. I didn’t even cry today, I got slightly misty at one point and toughened up. I also studied the Tube map today and looked at the places I might like to live in London, so I feel a bit better now that I have some idea of exactly where Wifey will be. She told me to delete her old Australian number out of my phone and save her new number in its place, so I can save the same ring-tone. Months ago she played with my phone and set her tone as that song by The Pussycat Dolls “Don’t Ya” (which has now become horribly ironic) and now it just wouldn’t be the same if that was no longer her music on my phone. For months I never knew what song it was and then I heard it in the car one day and realized which song it was…and what the lyrics were. Clear proof the Universe (and Wifey) have a twisted sense of humor.

I believe I showed restraint while D’Mummy and I were at the sales this morning. I got two pairs of Le Specs because I adore them and they were down to $39.95 a pair, some Elizabeth Arden Shine Pops (three for $39) and I bought a couple of pretty Trelivings gift sets that were on sale to save as “thank you” presents for my prac next year. I will probably get alcohol as well, Wifey got everyone alcohol as her thank you gift and it went over well, but I think even women who live 800km inland would still appreciate a pretty soap or some lovely hand cream. Thank you presents are at least as important to a good prac as the teaching you do, not all teachers love having prac students so even though they do get paid for having you, it’s always a wise idea to pass on a token of your gratitude. Uni is all about avoiding conflicts of interest, but even they encourage the practice, so you do what you have to do.

I came home after shopping and realized that my London savings account growing nicely, but because I am a dirty casual I won’t get my next pay until almost mid January because I don’t go back to work until the 2nd, meaning I am pretty skint for a couple of weeks. That ties in nicely with my plans to be a hermit for the month of January because it seems I can’t really afford to do anything much fun for a couple of weeks anyways. Not to worry, I know my period of poorness will be short lived this time, which is a nice feeling. I could take money from my savings but I am really going to try and avoid that unless it is absolutely necessary.

Tomorrow I am going to organize some crafty fun. I have some plain shirts to stencil, some more jeans to hack up (jean shorts, I love you) and a bunch of other junk I should use up. Off the top of my head I know I have the materials to cast resin, make soaps, make toys, paint t shirts, make jewellery, make brooches and sew clothes so I have no reason to be bored or spend any more money to entertain myself.

I don’t like having to say goodbye. I don’t remember it being this hard when Bestie left but I suppose I just love her, I’m not in love with her, so I guess it makes this time that little bit different. I know it will all work out the way it is meant to, but I don’t want her to go. It’s selfish and needy but I like having Wifey here, I don’t want her to be so far away, I like to go to her house, I like when she cooks awesome vege food, I like to have someone to talk about The L Word with, I like having someone to go on Lady Dates with. I am trying very hard not to wallow, that won’t help anything. I had a big cry last night when I watched a couple of episodes of The L Word, but anyone who could watch the last three episodes in season three and not cry like a sissy girl must have a cold, robot heart. Watching other people having to say goodbye to people they love doesn’t make it any easier to go through the same situation yourself, and just reminded me how much it sucks.

Tomorrow I am going to go shopping with D’Mummy. I can’t think about 1pm. I just need to keep reminding myself that it will all be fine. It’s a good thing. Wifey needs to go and teach and earn lots of money and meet awesome, wonderful people who deserve her exceptional company and cast her spell over London and I need to stay here and finish uni and graduate and be a Maid of Honor and just move on. It will be fine, it will be fine, it will be fine. I get to see her next year, she’s coming back to visit in July or August, that’s only seven or eight months, twenty eight weeks, barely anything when you think about it in terms of a lifetime.

Christmas Day was alright. As much as it pains me to admit, we have lunch at Sizzler. I come from a long line of the picky eaters so a couple of years ago the executive decision was made to have lunch at a place that offers lots of variety, and Sizzler it was. As a vege, let me tell you it is difficult to eat $70 worth of bread rolls, roast pumpkin and ice cream. They change the regular offerings and put on roast meats and veggies and cold meats, they keep some of the salads but most of them have meat in them, so my options were limited. Not to worry, I ate enough and everyone else was happy. They had crackers on the table and in mine I got a clip on mustache so it’s obvious the Universe did what it would to make my day awesome. It’s never a bad day when you get to wear a mustache, I feel.

After lunch I headed over to Jac’s and kept her company for a little while. The plan was for her to be alone of Christmas Day so I bought over DVDs and chocolate prepared for a vegging session but was greeted with the news that Jac and her family had decided she should come to Melbs for a whirlwind visit and I ended up taking her to the airport this arvo. We ended up watching a DVD in bed before she left, so any time spent in bed is good time. I love lounging.

I’ve just decided I want a bicycle, Jac got one and now I want one (like a true child). I don’t want a mountain bike or anything, ideally I want a low rider bicycle but I fear they will be stupidly expensive so I would settle for a 70s bicycle, none of this gear business, I just want it to stop and go and have a kick stand, I don’t want to change gears or have hand breaks, I have a car that has those features. I also would like a stack hat, but I don’t know if they make them anymore.

I have lost my favorite lip gloss and it’s making me question whether or not I can continue to get up every morning knowing I can’t put it on before leaving the house. I know it makes me sound precious but it was the best lip gloss I have ever owned and now it’s gone.

"Just go by another one" I hear you say, well I would, Dear Reader, but it turns out it was a special release one that will never be for sale. It was the Napoleon Kiss one that came stuck to the front of Good Medicine magazine. I hate Napoleon, he seems very wanky and wears too much bronzer but the lip gloss was free so I tried it and fell in love. It was the most perfect color, the most beautiful consistency and was never sticky and it lasted a long time. I took it out on Saturday night and now it’s gone. I’ve looked in my overnight bag, my make up case and my handbags, it’s no where to be found. I am going to tear through my car later to see if it’s there. It will be a miracle if it shows up, I want it back so badly but I have no idea where it is. Booooo.

In other news, I am really itchy. I am covered in mosquito bites and they are as itchy as hell. Mosquitoes seem to find me tasty but it takes a day or so for the proper "itch" to come from their bites, that or I have only just come down/sobered up so I can feel it now. I hate being itchy, it’s a crappy feeling, especially since scratching doesn’t seem to make them any less itchy but it’s impossible not to itch.

I started my new blog last night (oooh, eeer). I am yet to post anything or move over my blogroll, I aim to do that before the end of the year so I can launch my new blog in the new year. I know, nerd much? I can’t believe there is only a few days left of 07, the end part of this year has seemed to go so quickly! From about October the time has just flown by. I am lacking in Christmas Cheer this year, I am so excited for the new year that this one seems all old and boring now. My lack of Christmas Cheer may also be the result of the mobile phone ringtone ad that features a badly animated Labrador puppy "singing" some annoying Christmas carol. Why does this need to exist? Do people admit to this in public ? "Oh, what do I do? Oh, I actually make those bad animations for fucking annoying animated ring tones, you might have seen them on the ads played every 13 seconds on TV?" "Oh, that’s good to know" *glass* Nothing in the world makes me more insane than anything that would fall under the "mobile phone downloads" umbrella, let that be a warning to you all.

On that note, I hope you all have a magical Christmas, free from shitty ring tones. I hope everyone scores some awesome pressies and eats lots of good food. I will be having lunch with D’Fam and D’Nanny then high tailing it over to Jac’s to give her some Christmas loving as she’ll be home alone.

Have a nice one Loves!

…or so Vikki Waif reckons. I saw Wifey for the last time today. Contemplating that thought makes it feel like someone is tearing my heart right out of my chest, she leaves the country on Boxing Day and it’s highly unlikely she’ll have time to catch up again before then, so this is it. I kept it together as we did the bad small talk and goodbye thing but I cried half the way home. Only half because I didn’t want to wallow and I forced myself to see the positives.

Obviously Wifey has made a lasting impact on me, she’s taught me so much, shown me so many things and just sort of inspired me to do a lot of stuff I never would have thought I could do but it will be good for me to be without her. She was, in some ways, my crutch. The person who made everything a little bit easier to do, but I need to learn to do it all by myself, to ride without my training wheels. I also really would like to fall in love with someone who actually loves me back, so that will probably be easier to do when I am not pining for someone who does not share my feelings. I am sure that if we are meant to be friends forever then we will see each other soon and it will all be fine, so it’s just up to the Universe now I suppose. I have faith that everything will turn out the way it is meant to.

OK, I am not going to mope anymore, it’s all onwards and upwards.

Last night we went to 80s night. Jac and I got some Happy High Herbs which made for an interesting evening. We got Buzzz and some Go Go energy type stuff, Buzzz was described as being really blissful and happy without any energy, and the Go Go stuff was meant to give you energy, which can compliment the blissfulness of Buzzz. We took it about 9pm before heading into the Valley and it started kicking in when we were in the car on the way in, Jac felt it first. It sort of felt like magic was spreading through my veins, I felt all tingly and I just wanted someone to be inside me (not like that, you pervs!) to feel how awesome it felt. After that passed everything just felt really beautiful. My clothes felt beautiful against my skin, the breeze on my skin was heavenly, walking felt so awesome, I felt like I was made of silk ribbons and everything seemed so fluid and easy. I almost regret taking it at 80s Night, it was so fucking hot inside the venue and the music was really loud and I just wanted to chill. Lying on a beach would have been perfect, I felt so happy just to exist, the music and crowd just made it feel a bit less awesome. Jac and I both agreed that everything felt like it was going really slow and I reckon it felt a bit surreal. The best way to describe how it felt was the feeling when you are really tired and you start to feel asleep, that awesome feeling as your body feels like it starts to float away and you begin to fall asleep, that’s how I was feeling. It made me really quiet, I just couldn’t talk, there were no words to adequately describe how awesome I was feeling so I just couldn’t really say anything.

All in all I think it was pretty awesome, and with a Buzzz each and splitting the bottle of Go Go it was only $32.50 each for Jac and I. I know it’s about the same price as a real drugs but I don’t really want to be arrested for possession or anything, plus I felt a lot more comfortable taking something herbal than something that could have been cut with Draino or rat poison or something. Call me a square, but I like living. If I do Buzzz again I would definitely save it for a bit of a chill out session at home, it would have been so awesome to just lie down and listen to fantastic, trippy music and enjoy the high.

I had about five hours sleep last night, and I woke up about seven because Wifey’s room was hot but I fell asleep again until about eight thirty. Not long after that Wifey’s furchild came in and hopped into bed with me so I got to spoon with a puppy for about an hour. He’s a Yorkie so he’s little and very sweet and just beautiful. I’d like to get a Yorkie, I think, they just never seem to stop and have such sweet personalities but are also pretty tough for a little dog too. I’m so tired again now, so I might have a Nanna nap. It’s raining and cool at the moment so it’s almost wrong not to sleep in such weather.

I forgot to take my chill pill last night. It was a shitty mistake to make and I’ll be doing everything possible not to forget again. If there was any doubt in my mind that the pills weren’t working, I now know for sure that they are, I feel really terrible without them. I could feel the lovely chemicals wearing off today while I was at work, and felt the overwhelming urge to go home, crawl into bed and cry overcome me. I made it through the day but almost started crying on the way home just because I felt so miserable. I won’t forget again tonight, I don’t want another day like this. I really, really like being "normal".

Last night I went to see some of my lovely girls graduate as teachers. God, I want it so bad now. It was so exciting for them, and I am so proud to have watched them walk across the stage and get their certificates. Everyone had their families there celebrating with them, it was just so lovely to see so many years of hard work come to an end. It’s surreal that it will be my turn soon. I know it’s not far away, I have written in next year’s diary and it’s all mapped out, but it still doesn’t seem possible. In other news, my beautiful Best became a real live solicitor and barrister today. I’m not exactly sure what it all entails (other than free legal representation for myself for life ) but I know it’s a big deal and very exciting. She deserves it so much. It’s been a big couple of years for her, but now she and BP have their own home, some furkids, are engaged and both doing exceptionally well in their careers, it’s so lovely so know she’s all sorted.

Lately I have had an overwhelming urge to live in a share house. It’s pretty random, but I would love to live in a dirty old Queenslander with a bunch of other undergrads. This is possibly inspired by the amount of money I’ve spent on cab fares lately and that it would almost be cheaper to live in New Farm share house and walk home at night. I won’t, of course, as I’m only in Brisbane for another few months, then I get to "move out" for two months, then I’ll be back again for a while before London. I could move out after I finish uni but it would be smarter to stay at home and save my pennies. I’ve decided January will be "Hermit Month" and I’m going to stay home as much as possible and not buy one new item of clothing or foot ware. I earn pretty decent money and I have very little to show for it, I should be spending money much more wisely than I am at the moment. I know it’s Christmas, and everyone spends more than normal at this time of year, but it’s as good a time as any of tighten the purse strings. I want to increase my savings account, not wardrobe content.

For now, I am going to go and make my spine cry by starting the 80s tshirts I need for the weekend. I think I have three or four to make and I’ve done none. Lazy, I know. I am going to try and get my stencil cut out tonight, if not painted. Better start now I suppose, I’d much rather just go to bed, I’m wrecked.

Well, I’m back. Don’t get too excited, I’m not back for good just yet, I just wanted to come and give you all a bit of an update and fill you all in on the latest news and tell you my plans for the future.

Update:
I am having a good day today. I have had a number of good days in a row, and it’s making me feel a lot more hopeful. I still have moments of funk, but I am able to shake them off before it really takes hold which is a really good feeling. I don’t want to count my eggs or anything, but I think this might be the start of the upwards spiral (if there is such a thing?). I admitted to some very scary things, to myself and to others (which is what prompted the crying on Friday night) and I think it’s made a huge difference. It got to the point where it felt a lot like I was leaning on the door, trying desperately to close an overflowing cupboard, it wasn’t really working but I just couldn’t let it all come out. Turns out letting it all out feels pretty good, after it’s stopped being heart stoppingly terrifying, I might even do it more often.

News:
OK, it’s still scary to admit to, just slightly less so now that I’ve told some other people (K, Wifey, Bestie, Jac), so just understand that this is a big deal and be nice, k? On Friday night (in the nightclub, when we were drunk) I was sitting with K and she asked me if I think I might be into girls and not boys, and I said that I think she might be right. The Friday before last (when I went to a queer party, of all places) I met a boy, purely by accident. He was lovely to talk to and very sweet but he was into the holding hands/arm around me thing that most boys seem to be into, and I really didn’t want him to do that. It didn’t make me feel good, it made me feel awkward and detached and I felt like I was just going through the motions rather than wanting to be close to him. That’s was eye opening. On the other hand, there was a number of girls who I also met that night that I would have been far more interested in holding hands with. Hmmmm.

The other big scary thing I admitted to, which is probably the more scary of the two, is that I am truly, madly and deeply in love with Wifey. I’m aware that this was possibly blindingly obvious to anyone who has read my blog for more than a couple of days, but I only really admitted it to myself on Friday. K asked me, after we’d had the liking girls conversation, if I might be in love with Wifey. I said yes (and started to cry). I begged her not to tell Wifey, and she said she wouldn’t. But after clearly losing my shit after that conversation and Wifey noticing I was not even a little bit OK, she asked me if I wanted to talk. I told her I’d rather forget Friday night happened but the next day I decided to come clean and tell her how I feel.

There’s no happily ever after, I’m sorry to tell you. I always knew in my heart that it was unrequited love, and it feels almost good to know that it’s out there now and I don’t have the be so scared she’ll accidentally find out. Wifey was, as always, lovely about it and there is no weirdness or anything between us and I’m so thankful for that. I just have faith in the Universe, if it was meant to be then it would have been. I know I met Wifey and became friends with her for a reason, she’s opened my eyes (and mind) more than I could have ever imagined and I’m so thankful for all of that, I am certain it would never have happened without her.

Girls, if you ever want to experience ever emotion on the entire spectrum, fall in love with a girl. As I told Bestie in an email, the way I felt about The Ex, even when things were at their very best, could only be described as indifference compared to how I feel now. Despite the heartache, I would do it all again in a second and I would fall for her just as hard next time simply because I now know the strength of emotion I am capable of feeling for someone. I’m not "over her" yet, having my unrequited love suspicions confirmed didn’t really dampen my feelings, I still think Wifey is simply amazing but it’s actually nice to know that nothing will ever come of things and start to move forward from there.

I guess that means now I have to go about the whole coming out business. Maybe that’s what this is, right now? Bestie sent me the most perfect email the other day after I’d filled her in about the recent developments, which is precisely what I really needed to hear right now. "You know I’ll support you whatever you chose, but I do think you are getting far too worked up over this. Take it back to grass roots. It will all be OK in the end.", she signed it with "I love and support you regardless". She does an amazing job of being a Bestie, I knew I kept her around for a reason!

Future:
Next year is going to be massive. Wifey will be overseas, I’ll go far away in western Queensland on my final pracs, I’ll finish uni, participate in Bestie’s wedding and move overseas! I don’t think I could do more in a year if I was trying! Reflecting all these new revelations and new directions I seem to be headed in, I am thinking of moving blogs. I don’t want to be DelightfulJen anymore, I don’t want to maintain the sunshine and pudding all the time. I want to talk about things being shitty and being scared and being excited and maybe even being really into someone and I just don’t think that can mesh with the "DelightfulJen" many of you think I am. I don’t want to go private, but I might like to just start afresh. Any thoughts or feelings about this? Can you handle a shift to less delightful content with the DelightfulJen name, or should I just start again?

For Now:
For the moment, I think I am going to let blogging take a backseat for a little while. I’ll still be around the blogosphere and on Facebook a whole bunch so do stop by if you like, I am just going to have a bit of a break for the rest of the month. I feel I need to squeeze every last drop of Wifey goodness out before she leaves the country (21 days left) and just have fun, I want to make the most of feeling good at the moment. I’ll be back with a vengeance in the new year, I don’t promise anything too new and sparkly but I am going to do a bit of a redesign (or start a new blog) and I might even start pumping out some worthwhile content! Exciting times, my friends.

So there you have it.

Dear Lovely People,

I need to take a break. I just need a little bit of time to just…exist. I am sorry for being a crap blogger, and most of all I am sorry for being a crap friend. I am not really fine, I am not hopelessly bad, I am just sort of sad. I don’t really know what to do to make myself feel better but I don’t even really know exactly what is wrong in the first place.

Last night I was the girl I never, ever wanted to be. Standing in a nightclub toilet stall, crying, desperately trying to pull her shit together. I feel so sorry for K who was the one to have unknowingly opened a big can of very upsetting worms. She asked me at one point why I was crying, and I didn’t even know so I couldn’t answer her. Mostly it was because it’s scary and upsetting for me to talk about things, and because we broached a topic I wasn’t prepared for I freaked out and cried. I can count the times I have cried in front of people on one hand, twice at funerals and once when I fell down the stairs and twisted my ankle. I don’t love that I lost it in front of someone, it was a new low.

The self medication hasn’t stopped. I tried it but I clearly can’t drink in moderation, I feel really shitty and I am the most self conscious I think I’ve ever been so when I go out I drink too much so that I can be fun and forget how badly I want to curl up and die instead of attempting to be halfway decent company. Don’t freak out, I don’t actually want to die, I am not going to be attempting to end my life. I do want to just stop existing though I just don’t care about anything anymore, it all seems so insurmountable it seems pointless to try. I am not sure if the worrying has stopped or if I just don’t care to worry about things anymore. I know I used to care far too much about everything so I’m not sure if the chill pills are making me not care if it’s just part of the self destructive stuff I seem to be doing. I think I really need to stop drinking all together for a bit, but I am not sure I can…or want to, just yet.

I know it sounds dramatic, it probably is but I seem to be getting very good at being dramatic these days. It’s unintentional, I’d really much prefer to pretend everything is all sunshine and pudding but I just don’t have the energy anymore and I’m sorry. I know some of you get it and some of you don’t, and some of you kind of do, but I don’t want to be like this, this is not my choice right now. I don’t love people asking me what feels like every hour how I am. I am not fine and everyone knows that so please don’t make me say it, especially not in person, I really dislike doing that and it makes me feel more shitty to try and be fine when I say it. I would really love to "get happy" but I can’t right now, please believe I would do everything in my power to just be happy if it was something I could do right now. Being physically ill from worrying is nothing something I do for fun, being so sad I just ache inside isn’t something I do for the good times, feeling like the most useless, hopeless, unattractive creature in the universe is not something I do for attention.

It’s not just blogging people I have been neglecting (I do read you, I am just not commenting much anymore) I haven’t emailed Bestie much lately, I haven’t seen most of my other friends very much and when I do I am a shitty, sad, fun sponge (or that’s what I feel like). I feel better being around my close people but I feel really guilty for being such bad company. That’s why I just need a bit of time, away from the Internetz and away from being the nice friend you all really deserve, and I just need to sort my shit out. Forgive me, I’m sorry for doing this, I will be back, don’t fret. It probably won’t be a long break anyways, but just right now I have to do other things.

Don’t fret, it’s all ok, really. I just don’t want you to worry if there is no updates for a little while.