Spiral
11 Aug
It’s a little unfair that things have to turn a bit shit when they’ve gone so well for so long. I like to be happy and blissfully unaware, it’s so much nicer than feeling stupid and sad.
Nothing major has gone wrong, so I probably shouldn’t even be complaining but right now I sort of want to crawl into bed and have a bit of a cry because I am feeling lame, but instead I am going to blog (…then go to bed and cry.)
Tex asked me, in not so many words, whether I was into her or not. Rather than deny it like I normally would I told her that I think she is super cool but out of respect for the girlfriend I am doing everything possible not to entertain those thoughts. She thanked me for being respectful and assured me she isn’t that great…and that’s it. SHIT. This is becoming the story of my life. I really hate feeling so lame, it’s so pathetic to crush on people! I’m not in Grade Seven anymore, people my age have functional relationships they don’t like people who aren’t interested in them. I feel so stupid!
I was chatting to Wifey the other night. I haven’t spoken to her in ages so I was just giving her a bit of an update about stuff that is going on. I was talking about Tokyo and how I will (hopefully) not be in Australia much longer and she was all “Yah, but you know you may not get a job, you don’t even know for sure that you’ll be going anywhere”. Maybe I’m living with rose colored glasses on, but everyone has just been so sweet to me about Japan. Everyone is being so positive and kind and even I truly believed that I would get one of the jobs I’m being interviewed for, but now she has planted that seed of doubt. I know that no one can make you do or believe anything without your permission but I think it’s kind of mean to say something like that. I am brilliant at telling myself how useless I am, I don’t need other people to do it for me.
As a bit of a knee jerk reaction to what Wifey said I applied for another school last night. It’s not as prestigious as the other two and I’m a little doubtful that they will be willing to pay what I am looking for, but I’ve got an interview with them nonetheless. I really want this, I want it so, so badly that I can barely breathe and I’m just not prepared to admit defeat on this one but now I’m wondering if I even have a chance at these jobs or if I am just trying to convince myself that I’m employable when I’m really not.
I don’t even want to think about being single and not having any schools wanting me to teach for them. That is more depressing than I can even consider, I think I am giving up on ladies because I just can’t do it anymore, I’ll just concentrate on finding a job and moving countries. That will take up enough of my time to keep myself sufficiently busy and not think about the train wreck that is my “love life” at the moment.
Sorry for being pathetic, I will be better tomorrow.
Awwww, JEN! You are so much cooler than you make yourself sound, seriously. I think it is so honourable of you to reply to Tex the way that you did, and she sounds like a douchebag for stringing you along, that sort of thing isn’t cool whether you are male, female, or hermaphrodite. You seem to fall for girls that are dicks – no offence! But for Wifey to say that to you, does she not understand that the role of female friendship, regardless of your sexual orientation, is to completely build up your friends’ hopes, and to bash the shit out of anything that they think is uncool? (like, for example, the fact that their significant other never does the dishes ‘What a dick! Who even does that! What a muppet’ etc)
I think maybe you will meet a crazy cool Japanese girl with candy-coloured hair and fall in love and have little Asian babies.
you will be fine and they do want to employ you! Employers don’t waste their time interviewing people that they don’t think will be interesting to talk to and that they may have a spot for, trust me!
On the love life front maybe you are in the “crush” stage because the acknowledging the lady love is new…take a step back and breath and let it come to you rather than being keen on the idea that you can do it…a pause and reflect is often the time that new thing comes unasked…
have fun
Totally fine to have poo days! Allow yourself, you need em. Can’t be cheery and chipper all the time now can we (or can we??)
The cool thing is you are admitting what you want and reaching out for it. Many people spend their lives unaware of what they want, oblivious how to get it or unrealistic about the possible outcomes.
Change is not always easy, but it is VERY bloody exciting!
If it helps out any…I too would love to crawl into bed today and cry – no particular reason just one of those days, too much to do! So I have no time for a cry or bed for that matter!! Chin up…off to hoop class. (Tears ducks dried up long ago anyway…aaaahhhh)
Grab your hoop girl, get into the spin and forget about it all! You have taken the red bull by the horns and it is giving you wings. Wings hurt when they first start to grow! OUCH
love to ya
d
xx
I think Miranda is right. Candy coloured girl, beautiful asian babies..
I don’t come here to read you when you are only ‘up’. I read you for all the dark and light that make a balanced and interesting you.
For therecord, I think Miranda is also right in regards to Tex. She is in a relationship and askingthose kind of questions? You answered perfectly in my opinion. Sounds as though she is the one being silly, not you and yes, I think she is leading you on (from what you’ve told us).
Miranda, I’ll be the first to admit I have shitty taste in partners, I should stop chosing them myself and go to a match maker or something
I so agree that female friends are meant to have your back, regardless of how stupid the situation or how wrong you might be about something, it’s just their job to agree with you
About being cool, I still totally disagree. I might blog about it because I often complain to Jac that I’m not cool enough to live up to my reputation now.
Nicole, that is true. Considering I’m coming from a whole other country I’d like to think they wouldn’t waste my time unless they were pretty keen.
Pause and reflect is the story of my life. All I ever do is pause and reflect and so far it’s gotten me no where, but being proactive has made me heartbroken. I can’t seem to win??
Sushi, I know it’s normal to have shitty days, but I just hate them because it’s never just been one shitty day, it always turned into weeks/months of being sad. It’s only now with the brain candy that I can actually bounce back from one bad day, so I suppose it’s just something to get used to.
“Wings hurt when they first start to grow” that’s so perfect! That’s exactly it! Thank you
xxx
Beckie, I know that people don’t necessarily mind reading the bad stuff but it feels like I am always whining about something and I don’t want to be one of those train wreck bloggers.
I still don’t think Tex was being intentionally mean or hurtful, I just can’t believe her intentions would be anything other than good. It’s entirely possible I give other people far more credit than they deserve, but I just don’t want to believe she might not be lovely. Does that even make sense??