Masters Moaning
21 Apr
I created a new category for these sorts of posts – “self-indulgent whining”. Let me preface my whinge by highlighting that I do realise how privileged I am. Whining about doing post grad study when some people can’t afford to feed their kids and stuff is entirely fucked, I completely accept and recognise that I am a giant tool in the big scheme of things. Having said this, I am going to whine because if I don’t my brain will explode and then I’ll have some real problems.
This masters is slowly killing me. It’s like a horrible disease that is eating me from the inside out – my stomach is usually in knots from worrying about passing stuff and worrying about all the stuff I have to do and it’s eroding my self confidence because I am perpetually convinced I’ve cocked everything up and am a big, giant spaz because I can’t even do this. Everything I do has a big, black cloud over it because I am constantly thinking about what I should be doing rather than what I am doing.
Despite the fact I still like what I am studying, I hate what my masters represents. It makes me feel stupid and incapable. During my undergrad I had a little fear before every assignment that I might actually fail something but fundamentally I believed that I’d piss through it. Now? Now, I am entirely convinced that I won’t earn my masters. If I can even submit everything that is required, regardless of whether it passes or not, I will be ecstatic. I can’t even imagine what will happen if I actually do earn it by some incredible miracle.
I’m going to try and organise some sort of timetable. It might not make any different to my results or anything but it might just preserve the last tiny remains of my mental health and if I can escape this year with my sanity intact, I’ll consider it a win. I am going to spend four hours a day on this, preferably 9am – 12pm. I work best in the mornings, it leaves me evenings to do stuff (like Miss Jones) and it means I can go straight from bed to books which reduces the likelihood that I will get sucked into Facebook or TV and get fucking nothing else done. I think my current panic attack is caused by the fact that from tomorrow evening to Monday morning, I won’t have time to scratch myself. Almost very second of every day is crammed full of something and while I just love being busy (and it’s all awesome stuff that I will be busy with) it also makes me freak out because there is no room for dicking around, and having dicking around time is my safety net.
That is it, I am pretty well exhuasted from using up all my energy on stressing. This is probably the biggest flip out I have had since having my brain candy which is awesome, because I used to be this fever pitch about like running five minutes late or forgetting to wear perfume but bad because it’s not fun to be this tense.
Anyways, tell me a story because I need to think about other junk. I want to know what you had for breakfast. This morning I had pesto and feta scrambled eggs with Miss Jones at a cafe at uni, it was yummy. Miss Jones had bacon, seeing as she is pretty much an anti-vegetarian which sounds like it wouldn’t work, but it’s kinda awesome seeing as we can order one meal and eat our respective bits. I also had an orange juice and a skinny latte which was a shit idea because juice and milky drinks aren’t great together, in case you hadn’t thought about it.
The bacon was amazing, as was the scramble. We should have more breakfast.
Remember i have COMPLETE FAITH in you. You are wonderful dear wife.I seriously think if anyone can do this then its you. You are very smart remember?
Also i like the time slot you have chosen to study because that is the time i enjoy sleeping and pissing about around the house before the actual day starts.
Kisses and hugs pretty girl!
I had a banana smoothie, of frozen banana, soy milk, acai berry and wheatgerm. Don’t buy acai – major ripoff. Yesterday I bought two pairs of shoes. Today I fiddlefartassed around when I should have been prereading for the adv dip I accidentally enrolled in.
Your plan sounds like a good one – R’Jodie is right – we all know you can do it Jen, it’s just a shitty path to wade through to get there.
And although I’m sure you already picked it, I sniggered at the “it leaves me evenings to do stuff (like Miss Jones)” line ;o) *hugs!*
This morning, I had a blueberry muffin and some yoghurt with apple and blackcurrant compote and granola. And when I saw this morning, I mean now, nearly 11am… yeah, it’s been one of those days. Your scrambled eggs sound infinitely nicer than my breakfast, although my breakfast is pretty good too.
You can do it!
Yay for this weekend : P hahaha.
I had natural yoghurt with sweetner (defeats the purpose of natural yoghurt I know) with a pinch of cinnamon…….followed by tim tams, but as this was 30 mins later I told myself it was ok as this was technically morning tea.
I know when I am stressing out it annoys me when people say ‘things are going to be ok’ – but they will be!
Well I went to the doctor on Monday and he told me how much I weighed and I decided I am never eating again, but then I got hungry so I had vegemite toast for breakfast and I’m about to go have a milo…
I haven’t commented on this for ages. I suck, sorry. I have still been reading though!!
I think you can totally do it. You know what I love, lists. I used to make myself giant lists during my last semester at uni (which included writing an 8000 word semester-long research paper the night before it was due, without having done any of the research). I LOVE crossing stuff off lists. I also used to put stupid stuff on it like ‘clean the kitchen’ and ‘walk the dog’ because then you could go do something non-study related but still get to cross it off your list so, still technically productive because you totally intended to do it.
Do you know, I think you would be the coolest English teacher ever. I think if you had been my English teacher I would have LOVED it, as opposed to just liking it. So… stick with your masters and go make a generation of lucky kids love English class.
I miss our facebook chats!!!