Somewhere, something incredible is waiting to be known

Well, it’s over.

It’s all come first circle and I’m back to being single. Miss Jones and I went to a party thing at uni last night, the first place we met and then we went back to her place and had some quality time. She cried, I tried not to and just got a huge lump in my throat. We both fell asleep (but I didn’t mean to because I wasn’t staying over) so I woke up, kissed her goodbye and said my last “I love you” and drove home. It kind of felt surreal, like it didn’t really happen or that is was just part of some horrible dream. This morning I woke up and realised that it was real and I’m yet to lose the urge to just sit down and sob my heart out.

It’s just so sad. My heart just aches. I am trying to keep myself busy so I don’t dwell anymore than necessary but Miss Jones has left a very big hole to fill. No more warm body to be in bed with, no one to fall asleep on while watching TV, no one who I can hug and make my shitty day better, just no one.

I am going to bootcamp tomorrow morning, that will use up one hour of Saturday, then I don’t know what to do. I might get a manicure (shiny stuff is always a good distractor) and I was also going to lay buy a Wii tomorrow too. I don’t want to buy one because then I’d feel guilty and I don’t want to feel any worse so lay buy is my idea of compromise. I might also buy season three of Weeds for some entertainment while I make yoyos, nothing says quality viewing like some suburban drug dealing escapades.

Tomorrow may be the last time I see Miss Jones.

This is balls.

I am not thrilled by this, in fact, it just makes me shitty. I hate that I don’t have a choice in this. I hate that I just have to deal with it. It’s a bit of a “Too bad, so sad” thing, because regardless of how I feel it’s still going to happen, so I might as well not whinge about it.

I have a big headache from being in a shit mood all day. I know I’m not going to have as much time as I want tomorrow and then that’s it, finished.

I want a new job so I have something else to focus my energy on.

Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit.

Aside from a brief trip to DFO on Saturday, I spent all of this weekend at home. It was so overdue – I slept heaps, did a massive clean up in my room, cleaned my car inside and out, sorted out my crafty shit, reorganized my drawers, oh and signed up for a fun run. Clearly all this quality sleep and overall relaxing this weekend has made me a little bit touched in the head because today it seemed like a great idea to sign up for the Bridge to Brisbane.

It’s not strictly a running thing, you can do whatever you want just so long as you finish in the required time, but I’d like to run at least part of it. I’ve been talking about doing it for years so it seemed like it was time to put up or shut up. I also bootcamp yesterday morning and backed it up with a low carb day. It wasn’t a total breeze but I got through it, almost no carbs gave me that great skinny feeling when you can feel your body using it’s stored fat for energy rather than running on a full belly of pasta. I’m gonna try and supplement the bootcamp days with a bit of running on my off days to get ready for the B2B, it can’t hurt to do a bit extra to prepare, right?

I also found a couple more jobs to apply for, they are a little more “lowly” than I’d like, but basically any job is better than mine at the moment. The pay is about the same as my current job so I wouldn’t be taking a huge cut or anything and I think (and have been assured by others) that once you get into the public sector, it’s much easier to get better positions, you’ve just gotta crack the nut and get in first. So, that’s my plan. I am so sure that I’ll get a new job soon, it just feels like it’s bound to happen. I’ll get a new job, become fitter, sort out all my debts and then get to move out and be a real adult. I could afford to do the share house thing now but I’d really like to live alone again. Of course I’d adore to have Miss

Jones with me, but I am working on me being by myself for the moment, until I know for sure what she is doing.

Aside from looking for jobs, doing bootcamp, running and squeezing out the last drops of Miss Jones’s company that I can get before she goes, I also have decided to make a yoyo quilt. A yoyo quilt, you ask? Surely that would be hard and plastic and potentially knotty? No, no, fabric yoyos! Yummy little circles of fabric that are cut, sewn, gathered and then stitched together by hand to make a larger piece.

I’ve been drooling over the beauties on Flickr, there are some really lovely ones out there. I have so much vintage fabric I’ve bought and never been able to bring myself to use, but this would be a nice way to use it – it’s an “old” craft, it’s something that is useful and I can still look at the lovely fabric! I’m stuck on the moving out idea at the moment so this would also be something that I can use when I go! (I know it’s totally Nanna-tastic, but what can I say? I’m 80 on the inside.)

Let’s be honest, the dots are a bit inescapable at the moment. There is no way to coherantly link all the parts of my life at the moment so lets just chunk them, alright?

• Miss Jones. She’s working at Splendor this weekend so I am currently feeling like I’ve lost my right arm, this means that next week is going to be particuarly shit when I will possibly never see her again. I dropped a small fortune on her going away present, in my mind it feels like the more I spend, the more she’ll know how much I will miss her. I have also been requested to make a scoodie for her (like what I made for Wifey when she went to London). I am feeling a little susperstitous and suspect that it will mean she’ll never come back, because the last scoodie recipient has no plans to return, but so be it – if she wants a scoodie, she’ll have a scoodie. So not ready to call time on this yet, it was four months the other day, that’s not long enough!!

• Bootcamp. I am starting to really love it, it’s 45 minutes/1 hour of sweating and puffing but I feel so good afterwards and now I don’t ache so badly anymore so it’s pretty good. I don’t feel any smaller or less jiggly but I can already tell my fitness is getting better.Last night my trainer mentioned carb cycling and said how it’s made a huge different to some people who were trying to slim down. It sounds pretty easy so I am gonna try it. It’s only a three day cycle – one day you can et carbs for breakfast, lunch and dinner, the next day you eat carbs at breakfast or lunch and the final day you eat no carbs, you can repeat it again and then have one day of moderate eating or just start again at high carb. The idea is that your body gets it’s carb hit, then in the next couple of days tops up the energy it needs from your fat stores, then gets another carb hit so it doesn’t go into starvation mode. It appeals to me because it is short (I have a limited attention span when it comes to these sorts of things) and it doesn’t require going without for long periods (if I tried to cut out all carbs, I’d die). I might as well eat better while doing all this exercise junk, why not right?

• Work. I took a mental health day today. It’s not good to wake up every morning and be disappointed that you didn’t die in your sleep and therefore have to go to work. I need to get out of the industry, it’s not fair to the kids to be teaching when I am not feeling it anymore and I’d hate to become one of those awful, jaded teachers who just keep doing it because they never bothered to change careers. Anyways, I don’t care to talk about it any longer, I want two days of work free thinking.

• Crafty shit. Went to Spotlight today for scoodie supplies and got a screen printing kit for $15! It’s only a kiddies one, but it comes with screen silk, screen filler, paints, a frame and all the other junk for making screens for printing. It’s pretty tops, I’ve wanted to screen for ages but have never done it because it’s so exxy to get into but $15 is just right! I was talking with Miss Jones over breakfast about how much I love making stuff, I don’t know why I don’t do it more. Well, I do know why, it’s totally self sabotage – making shit makes me genuinely happy and I am pretty good at talking myself out of doing things like that in favour of stuff I “should” do and that annoys me.

Forgive me, I’ve been so busy. Miss Jones is only in Brisbane for another couple of weeks before she goes to her parents place for a few weeks before going OS, so I’ll have plenty of spare time again soon.

• Miss Jones – we’ve had our last weekend together and now it’s just down to a couple of mid week visits over the next two weeks and then that’ll probably be it. She’ll be home from her parents’ place for four days before she leaves for good, but I’m not sure if I’ll get to see her then. I’m still particularly unhappy about it all, but what can you do? She’s gotta do this, I’ve gotta stay and sort my shit out so it is what it is. I am just going to wish my very hardest that the UK gets a terrible cold snap so she realizes how shit it is to live through a Northern hemisphere winter and come back home. It’s shitty.

• Boot camp - Running. So much running. Also lots of jumping, crunching and otherwise working muscles that have not been disturbed for many years. I hurt badly last week after only two sessions so I am definately not slacking off, this week I’m going three times and I imagine it will be just as bad. I don’t hate it, it goes quickly enough and the trainer is mean but in a good way. I haven’t met anyone else who seems particularly cool yet, but you can’t have everything, right?

• Work - I just hate it. It’s just unnecessarily complicated and dramatic. It’s 100% about making the most money for the company and the kids don’t get a mention, so long as they are maintained at a level that makes parents keep sending them, no one cares. The resources aren’t that good, there is a huge number of unqualified staff and it’s usually just a stressful stiuation to place your child in. I am becoming hugely disenchanted with the industry and I’m doing my best to get out of it. Over the weekend I applied for three jobs, all of which will pay me a fair chunk more than I get at the moment for doing not a great deal.

Well, I woul keep writing but I am literallly falling asleep as I sit here. Considering it’s only an hour until I need to be galloping around a park I need to sort this out and get some energy back, more later!!

Let’s review. In January, I posted my goals for the year and now the year is more than halfway over so let’s see what I’ve actually managed to do:

• Learn guitar or uke – Fail, don’t even own either instrument.
• Get one paid writing gig – Technical fail – I’ve been rewarded for my writing through tickets and shit, but not with cold, hard cash.
• Get my first aid cert – No….
• Define my personal style – wear more dresses and skirts – Win, I do enjoy a good dress these days.
• Return to Japan to visit Osaka and Hiroshima – Fail so far, and I have serious doubts I’ll make it back this year. I’d love to, but it’s not looking possible.
• Visit Adelaide (I want to visit every state in Oz and I have decided to make Adelaide my place for this year) – Probs also unlikely, I don’t forsee having the time or money for this.
• Save at least $2000 by Dec 31st. (This means I must have $2000 by next NYE – not save it then spend it on a holiday or something, just have it there) This is a distinct possibility, not there yet but it might well happen.
• Become a one-drink wonder. (I was going to stop drinking all together this year, but I decided that being a “one drink” person would actually be harder for me. I am not going to drink to get drunk at all this year. I am going to have a glass of wine to appreciate the taste or a cocktail to try one I’ve never had before – no dirty pre-mixed drinks, no spirits!) Win – I often go out without drinking these days and it doesn’t bother me at all. Another clear pass!
• Change my hair – not big cuts! (Nothing drastic but I want a new style and I’m never committed enough to grow out my hair so I have some options. I’ve not had my hair cut for like 3.5 months now so it’s getting kinda long which is good!)  Technical win, I have changed up the style and color. Nothing amazingly different but it’s different.
• Get my bees and Sarah Silverman tattoo (Not a tattoo of Sarah Silverman, that would be weird. It’s a tattoo of something from her show) Nope, not even close.
• Launch the new blog/site No, but this is self-sabotage. I could do it, but I have been lazy and unmotivated.
• Score a real teaching gig Win, but I kinda hate it, so there you go?
• Stop impulse buying Hard to judge, I suppose I have in a way because I have less shit but I still don’t show a great deal of restraint. I still have stuff I *need* to buy, so the majority of my purchases are still somewhat justified.
• Buy more recycled clothing Nah, not at all
• Try roller derby Not even close, but maybe after bootcamp.

Awesome. Clear proof I am almost all talk and no action.

As promised (by me, not her) Jac sorted out my life on Saturday morning over brunch. My (our) grand plan includes me having my shit together by November or she is going to apply for jobs at her school on my behalf and I’ll be going bush next year. “Having my shit together” entails a job that doesn’t make me resentful and starting up my special project blog site.

Tomorrow I start bootcamp. It has really snuck up on me, I expected a few more days but whatevs, now or never and all of that. In five weeks time I’ll either be fitter and more toned or dead from exhuastion – both options have their benefits. This coming weekend is the last weekend I’ll have with Miss Jones, we’ll have weekdays for a couple weeks and stuff but no more weekends. I don’t like it, not even a bit, but I am dealing with it. Bootcamp is my crutch at the moment, something to get me out of the house 4 times a week and prevent me from withdrawing completly and settling in for a long and intense pity party. Another great thing is that another bootcamp immediately follows this one, so I can just keep on going so I can ignore the pity party for a total of 10 weeks. I hope it will make me skinnier and buff and all the rest, but I’ll settle for a regular dose of endorphins so that combined with my brain candy I just might stay sane.

It makes me feel like a total nutbag to go to such great, specific lengths to maintain my sanity, but without that, I am nothing. I am applying for jobs at the moment, jobs that make me happy to think about and will probably require to use my brain on a semi-regular basis. I won’t even be required to wear a polo shirt, which I hate wearing even more than I thought I would. I want to sort the job before I start my site, I need to get the big stuff sorted before I do the smaller stuff, no cart before the horse business.

I just booked a “mystery room” from Miss Jones’ last weekend. It’s five star and has fluffy robes and slippers and a big TV and all that junk, I figured we may as well go out with a bang. I’ve never done the weekend at a hotel thing before so it will be memorable, if nothing else.

I guess the next few weeks are going to be make or break but for the first time I am trying not to ignore the elephant in the room and actually prepare for the crushing blow that is going to come. I know I will feel like shit, I know I will want to retreat from everyone and everything so I am trying to set up damage control. If nothing else losing a few kilos and meeting some new people will be alright, meeting new people would be a bit tops since my friends have a nasty habit of fucking off and leaving me (I think I need to watch All My Friends Are Leaving Brisbane).

What does all this mean for you? Well, stay tuned for some quality posting. There will be heartache, muscle ache, potential rejection, lonelieness and general self doubt in the near future. It’s just like a train wreck, you don’t wanna look but it’s just a bit too interesting to not just just away. Plus, after that shit storm there is a possibility things might get better for a bit, so you might even get a happy ending. Are you prepared to miss out on all that?!

• Ow.  My earlobes are currently reddish purple and throbbing. I went from a regular ear piercing hole to the smallest gauge this morning. It’s probably only double (maybe 2.5x) the size of a normal earring post, but my goodness, did it sting! I have wanted to get some of those cool curly earrings for ages, but they are always just that bit bigger than a normal earring post. Yesterday while Miss Jones got her ears pierced twice more (tough as fuck) I bought some new bone spirals and the girl recommended I get some plain barbels in a similar gauge because I haven’t worn earrings for months and my ear holes will need to get used to being reopened. My ears totally resisted the barbels yesterday when I tried but this morning right after I hot shower I jammed them through. They don’t love me for it, but they are in now and they are settling down already so I think they’ll be right. I’ll leave them alone for a couple of weeks so they can get used to things before I piss them off again with new earrings.

• I had the day off yesterday and I was the best ever. Got to wake up late with Miss Jones, watch a movie in bed, go out for lunch, do some shopping, come home for a nanna nap then collected Jac from the airport and we went to dinner and wandered around the markets for a bit. I so miss nothing days like that. Weekends now I spend seeing Miss Jones and trying to get all the school shit I need for the coming week sorted, so it was nice to have a bonus day for just fun stuff.

• I’m getting so excited by the prospect of re-entering the corporate world. I loved dressing nicely to go work in an office and I really loved working in the city. I hate wearing a polo shirt to work as much as I thought I would and it is just another little thing that makes me resentful. I found out on Thursday that another staff member is resigning in a couple of weeks so they are kinda dropping like flies at the moment. Last week, a couple of days the kids were all in a really foul mood and crying and whining and it just made everything feel depressing.

• I signed up to a bootcamp in a knee jerk reaction to Miss Jones leaving. I need to torture myself through socially acceptable means so I figured trotting around a park being shouted at should be punishment enough. The bonus bit is that I should become fitter and more toned as the result of my punishment so win, win really. I want to get a cap/half sleeve tattoo quite badly but I want better arms first so this is the first step on the path to truly disappointing The Olds.

• I want a Pomeranian so badly. I saw one at the markets yesterday, she was so gorgeous and wearing such a cute little outfit. She had the most beautiful hair and just looked like a little pom pom with a face. I could just die, go google Pomeranians and you’ll just get it. Obviously I won’t get one, but I am extremley clucky for a dog baby and am seriously considering buying dog accessories to just save for when I finally go ahead and buy a ball of fluff. Is it lame? Is it weird to get clucky for animal babies and not human babies??

• Ugggh, there are no words for how I feel about the impending Monday. This weekend was far too short, I didn’t get my usual two nights with Miss Jones so it feels like the weekend has been only one day long, which is balls. Miss Jones and I worked out yesterday that we’ve only got two or three weekends left together before she goes. I am doing early shifts at work which will mean no weekday sleepovers so we really don’t have a long time left together. I am becoming slightly less resentful of it all, and I’m starting to feel more like just going to bed and not coming out again. Neither option is really ideal but I suppose a period of wallowing is inevitable, I just hope I can pull myself out of the funk before it gets unhealthy.

• I found out today I’ve been underpaid since I started working. Just another reason to dislike my job. I love the kids, I really like most of the people I work with but it’s just mind numbing. One day last week I spent almost my entire day pulling everthing out of our little kitchen cupboards looking for a mouse because my assistant refused to go in there. It’s hard to feel like you are doing something worthwhile when you can spend a whole day on your hands and knees cleaning up mouse poo and have it make very little difference to the scheme of things.

• I’m starting to realise than leaving Brisbane right now won’t really fix anything and will most likely just compound any dramas of the moment, so I’ll just sit it out until the end of the year at least. If I change nothing, I am going to end up resentful of everthing so I’ve been browsing job ads. I think I need to get out of education for the moment, I removed myself from that headspace while I was studying and since I quit that and went back into it, it’s pretty clear that it is not my heart’s desire. Of all the jobs I’ve had, I liked the insurance stuff most – I loved the little bit of investigation and fact checking I got to do, as well as working with lots of different departments and actually getting to see the results of the work I was doing. I’ve been looking at a few jobs with the Police, I’ve been thinking about it for a while but obviously I am far too soft to do any actual police work but I found a few administration type positions that have a degree of information collection and problem solving required but also do not present the immediate risk of being shot in the face, so win win, as far as I can tell. I’m going to apply, if nothing else it will give a bit of a light at the end of the tunnel to have something in the pipeline at the moment, so it’s all good. Plus, I get paid more and presumably will deal with less wet undies, runny noses and messy art to clean up so the bonuses are almost limitless.

• I have decided to get Sims 3 when Miss Jones leaves. Playing Sims requires a massive amount of time and seeing as I will have a huge, gaping hole in my social life when she goes I can just plug it up with some virtual happy families. I am sure that’s a perfectly healthy response to it all, right?? I may also actually have a go at roller derby, take uke lessons and go to bootcamp. I have been single for many, many years before and have no desire to become involved again any time soon, so I just have to re-learn how to spend my free time.

• I patted a stranger’s cat today. Miss Jones and I returned some DVDs and on the way back to the car she pointed out a cat sitting on a big cement fence outside some apartments. He (I believe it was a boy) was a very pretty Siamese-y thing who was dark coffee colored with dark chocolate points, I said hello and he said hello back and then I started to pat his head. He was really friendly and was rubbing all over me, licking my fingers and doing the friendly biting thing. He was owned, he was wearing a flea collar but I think he was just enjoying some Sunday morning sun outside.

• Jac will be here on Friday. It couldn’t be better timing really, I desperately need someone else to cling to. I dearly wish she was still here in Brisbane but one day is better than nothing. Jac will make everything better, she’s my career/relationship advisor and life coach. Yay for Jac!!!

“Lord grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can, and
the wisdom to know the difference.”

vs.

“Do not go gentle into that good night.

Rage, rage against the dying of the light”

Right. How is it that they both make perfect sense, yet seem to be almost an exact contradiction? First up we have words telling us that some things are beyond us and to deal with some stuff and sort out the rest and on the other hand Mr Thomas is saying to kick and scream when faced with a potential ending, fight as much as you can.

I am trying hard to accept that Miss Jones is leaving and attempting to be even slightly graceful and composed about it all. I don’t want her to not go, I just want her to come back or have some sort of idea of where it leaves us. I just can’t lie down and take it, ending a perfectly lovely relationship simply because of geography just seems so…..wasteful. I’m even feeling jealous, so many people get to have partners with them whom they don’t even like and I have one I am awfully fond of and I don’t get to keep her.

I don’t know what to do, I have no idea what I need to do to maintain my sanity. I seem to hover between being alright about everything and then just wanting to go to bed and sleep so I don’t have to think about anything. I don’t know whether to just stay here, keep my job and just go back to doing exactly what I was doing before I went OS. Alternatively I could piss off someplace far, far away as per my plan when I first landed, the other option I am considering is to do one of the former until the end of the year then consider moving to the UK. Clearly that would be a big move, and at the moment it would be 80% for Miss Jones and 20% because I want to but is that so bad? Really? What do I have to lose? I can always come back home again? Obviously I don’t want to go if she doesn’t see things the same way (and, of course, it’s a conversation that needs to be had before any sort of serious consideration of this option) but if it’s alright with her, I’d do it. I’d deal with the Northern hemisphere winter, plus in the UK they speak English so straight up I’m already better off than I was in Japan.

I am not ready to say die on this. Maybe it’s lame or pathetic or both, but so be it. If you don’t do what you are passionate about then why do anything? There is an extremely good chance I am going to end up looking like a giant tool who has pushed so hard that she’d ended up with a big, fat rejection but I don’t know if I can handle the idea of not have tried. I guess it has something to do with me having done the OS thing already and knowing something fantastic when I’ve found it and Miss Jones being ready to graduate and ready to go and do things on her own that makes it…conflict, or something.

I am super tired now, every morning I wake up happy and then I remember what I was trying to forget by going to sleep and I get all frustrated again. It’s just shit, even if this doesn’t sort out could I just have the work part of things turn out well? Or just make sure the family related business doesn’t turn bad and everyone stays OK? Obviously I don’t get all three but is just one of those three too much trouble? Please?!