Somewhere, something incredible is waiting to be known

Last night I got an email from Best telling me her and BP are planning on moving to London in February.  It’s very exciting for them, they’ve been waiting to go for years because BP’s work has been talking about transfers and whatnot but they’ve finally decided to just go and stop waiting on everyone else.

Rather than be shitty about the fact I’ll have lost more of my special people to London, I decided to just get over it. I don’t want to move to London, I’ve done a northern hemisphere winter and they are shit. I know I can’t handle perpetual cold and like 18 hours of darkness a day. I need sunshine, I need space and I need warmth. I don’t love that the UK is taking all of my people, but what can I do about it? I still have Jac in Australia (until she decides to piss off OS, like everyone seems to do) so I am thankful for that. I still have one remaining pillar in my support system here, it’s all good.

I have also thrown together a bit of a business plan. It’s never something I’d done previously, I never really knew where I wanted things to go which now makes it seem very obvious why I never got anywhere. You don’t just get in your car and go for a drive with no place in mind, and then feel all useless when you don’t end up someplace cool. Now I know what I want, it’s not incredibly specific because I want to leave things open for some wiggle room but I have a pretty decent idea of how I want things to travel. More on that later!

Like 44,999 other people, this morning I did the Bridge to Brisbane…except I only did 5km so it was more of a Portside to Brisbane, but let’s not nitpick.

My goals were to 1) finish 2) not die 3) do all of it in less than an hour. As far as I can tell, I did it in less than an hour. The start was postponed because there was too many people from the 10km left so based on my very vague calculations, I think I came in around 50 minutes. The fact I know how long it look me means that I did indeed actually finish and did not die on the way. I entered in the general walking category because I wasn’t sure how strict they’d be with each category and wasn’t sure if I could commit to jogging the entire way. Next time I’ll be entering the jogging category, I ended up running only about 1km in total. I could have run more but there was just wayyyy too many people around so if you wanted to run you were constantly ducking and weaving through the crowds of strollers, families and corporate groups which made things rather tricky. Because I couldn’t run I decided to walk quickly with really long strides to still cover as much ground as I could as quickly as possible (without running). It was really fucking hot at some points, the sun was in full force and was being absorbed by the bitumen which was radiating heat, not to mention all the sun being bounced off the concrete footpaths and barriers and straight onto the road. I had the hardest time during the third kilometer, it was a fair amount of uphill walking and the hottest part of the course. I was determined not to stop, even at the water stations I grabbed a cup and get going, I knew if I stopped then it would be so hard to go again so I didn’t give myself that option.

It went fairly quickly and before I knew it there was a big inflatable arch that announced there was only one kilometer left. During the whole race there was two people in a corporate team that I was determined to beat, they were almost always ahead of me so I picked those as the people to beat. By the third kilometer I hadn’t seen them for a while and with only 1km to go I was sure they’d finished. Right near the finish line I saw them again just ahead of me, I ran the last 200m so I crossed the timing gates before they did. When I first started off there was the big, furry Heart Foundation mascot that was running along just ahead of me, my first goal was to run quicker than someone dressed as a giant heart and I am pleased to say that I did that easily.

I am feeling a bit stiff and sore now. I did boxing yesterday at boot camp so my shoulders were already hurting but now I can add my thigh muscles to that list too. All in all though, I’m glad I did it. I’ve talked about doing it for a couple of years but now it’s actually done. Win! Can’t say I feel fantastic or energised or anything but I am pleased I did it, and in the time I wanted. Next year’s goal? Under 45 minutes!

*** Edited to add the best bit: There was heaps of kids and families running today. When we first started lots of the kids were just running full speed, ducking and weaving through the crowds because they are kids, it’s what they do. About 2.5kms in I passed a pretty fit Mum and her chubby kid, who was about 8, who were both trotting along at a reasonable pace but at 4km I saw them (heard them first), chubby son was screaming and crying to be left and that he can’t do it anymore and fit mum had him by the wrist and was pulling him along with her. It was obvious he wasn’t hurt or anything, he was just over it and wanted to stop and obviously Mum wasn’t having a bar of it. It actually made me feel better, I might not be an elite athlete but at least I was not being towed along behind someone wailing my heart out. I am sure he did not appreciate what she was doing at the time, but I am certain it’ll be what he brags about at school tomorrow!

This morning was, as the kids say, a total waste of make up. I had some group interview/assessment thing for a job I applied for. I got all dressed up like an adult and sat in a room full of other people and had to pretend that working in a call centre was my life’s ambition. The went through all the terms and conditions of the job and after a “team building” exercise, I decided to cut and run. I have developed a habit of taking whatever job is offered to me, based on the notion I believe I am so wildly unemployable that I should be grateful for any bone thrown at me. This has resulted in my last couple of jobs being ones that I hated, but accepted because they were the first offered to me. This position was not what I wanted, they took time to tell us that for at least to years there would be nothing in the way of even being considered for internal transfers or promotions, no annual leave would be approved in the first 12 months and a bunch of other stuff that made it very clear that we needed the job far more than the job needed us.

After I left and was self-congratulatory for a little while about not just going through the motions for a job I know I wouldn’t like, I started to think about how unemployable I am and that I probably should take what I can get. The economic climate is bad, I don’t have any outstanding skills in terms of administration or anything, I don’t have years of experience in any particular thing so maybe I just need to take anything. For some reason, I then moved on to thinking about who I would be, or what I would do if I could do anything ever. It’s a badly kept secret that I fucking love Patience from The Grates and just want to be Elise from RVA. Why? Because they both seem like such lovely, happy people who truly love what they do. If I could do anything, I’d have my own little shop that sells awesome shit that I’ve made myself or stocked from other cool kids. It has nothing to do with making millions. I don’t actually care about ever owning a new car or something else flashy. I’ve been so focused lately on finding jobs that will pay me heaps but that won’t necessarily make me happy. Given the choice of having people say “Wow, Jen always has such cool new shit, she’s awesome” or “Wow, Jen always seems so happy and passionate about what she does, she is awesome” there is not even the slightest doubt what I would choose. I’d be really happy to work in a cupcake shop, actually. I know I won’t be making millions but it’s fucking cupcakes, how could you ever have a shit day if you were surrounded by cupcakes?

The spectacular Louise Hay says that if you worry about never having enough money then you will never have enough money. If you believe that you’ll be provided with everything you need then it will come to you. I know it’s easy to pick that apart, but let’s resist the urge. It kinda makes sense, don’t you think?

I just need to stop panicking. There is a job out there for me. A job that I love and that loves me. A job that doesn’t make me feel like a shell of a person, or a sell-out or anything else bad. A job that I like going to, a job that I want to go to even on my days off (don’t laugh, when I worked at the popcorn places years and years ago, on my days off I’d go there because I knew it would be fun and I loved everyone who worked there).

I don’t have it all sorted out yet, not by any means, but I feel like I’m really close to figuring out what it is I should be doing.

I have decided to stop being pathetic and get over myself. Tomorrow it will be one week since Miss Jones left and that is enough time to spend being lame, now I need to get my shit together.

I have an assessment thing for a job on Thursday. I’d be pretty happy to get it, it’s not brain surgery by any means but it is a government job, it is in a role I’ve done before and it is for several thousand dollars more a year than I was earning. There would also be perks like actually be paid for public holidays and superannuation (I know it’s illegal not to pay these but it seems my previous employers were above the law) not to mention set shifts, work/life balance and all the great things that come with a corporate environment. It’s a hugely long selection process and the role doesn’t start until October but that’s alright, I’ve got time.

In the meantime, I’m making big steps towards having my online store restarted. I’ve got the domain and have got it all redirected and junk, got a bunch of stock made, bought some packaging materials and some custom stamps so I can make some business cards and tags and things once they arrive. Rather than sit on my hands and pretend the business isn’t mine as soon as someone becomes interested, I’m actually going to promote this one. My biggest fear is that people won’t like what I make, or find it over-priced or something like that. The not liking it I can’t change, I don’t like everything that is on sale but I can usually appreciate things even if they aren’t my style, so there is every chance that people will react to my work in the same way. As for the pricing, after so many years of barely being reimbursed for the supplies, I’ve started charging properly for my work. It’s still a bit cheap, considering the time I spend on things like listing items or going and buying supplies, but it’s now at a point where I actually stand to have something in the way of profit. My work is worth what I charge for it, I use quality supplies and I do things properly. There are no cut corners, everything is my life’s work (the perils of being a perfectionist) but it means I should charge for it. I’ve been told all that stuff for years now, but it doesn’t mean anything unless you believe it yourself, and now I do. My stuff is just as good as the other stuff out there, so it deserves to be bought and enjoyed just as much as anyone else’s products.

I have booked for a new tattoo on Thursday. It’s not the big arm piece, don’t anyone get excited, but it’s something I sort of “need” at the moment…as much as anyone can ever need a tattoo anyways. I haven’t told D’Olds, they won’t be overly fussed either way but I don’t want to hear the usual objections right now. It’s my skin, I’m not a drug dealer/murderer or otherwise criminally minded so in the scheme of things, it could be worse (can you tell I’ve had this discussion before).

So aside from a job assessment thing, starting a business and getting a new tattoo, I’m also going to attempt to jog (shuffle/walk/crawl) 5kms on the weekend. Basically so long as I am not the last person across to finish line then it will be great. I’d like to finish in less than an hour, but I don’t know if that’s particularly reasonable, we’ll soon find out I guess.

There you go, you don’t have to duck and cover anymore, I’m on an upwards spiral again so things should be sunshine and pudding again in the near future, with any luck!

• I have decided I want to be one of those actors who performs for infomercials. I could pretend to have a strained back after putting a trowel into loose dirt or give up after doing one stomach crunch on some weird exercise machine. As a professional quitter, I could do great things with these roles.

• It’s been four days since Miss Jones left and it kinda feels like four weeks. It’s the longest we’ve not spoken since we met so I am feeling like I’ve lost my right arm. I’ve had maybe ten minutes of gmail chat since she’s left. I am working on the assumption I won’t see her again, so I am trying hard to move on. It’s not easy but Miss Jones seems to be all excited about London and stuff so I don’t think she’s really noticed not having me around. Luckily for me, I do the unrequited love thing very well, right?

• Saturday morning I felt really good and happy but I crashed and burned Saturday afternoon. I’m not sure if it was the endorphins from bootcamp or the fact I was super busy, but as soon as I stopped I just crumbled. I came home and crawled straight into bed. Now I just feel a bit…detatched? I’m tired but I can’t sleep, hungry but I don’t want to eat, not upset but not happy, it all just feel like nothing. I’m gonna keep busy, not forget the brain candy and hopefully it will pass. I don’t want to feel like this for a long time.

• I’m in the processes of restarting my online shop. New name, new products, new look. I’ve also applied for a bunch of shit-kicker-y type jobs that 1) pay better than childcare did and 2) will allow me to walk away from work at the end of the day and not have to think about stuff until the next day. It’s kind of heartbreaking to think that a qualified teacher in childcare can make several thousand dollars a year less than someone who works in a call center, but that’s the way the world works I guess?

• You know those Dr Marten heels I talked about when I “spent” my stimulus money. Yeah? I totally bought them on the weekend. Cause the best idea when you are newly unemployed is to spend a couple hundred dollars on shoes. Yeah, I also bought another pair of Dr Marten heels with them. The other ones were on sale for $90 which at the time seemed like a bargain. Plus, they have skulls embossed on the toes, so you can’t really walk past those, right?

• There is every chance tomorrow will be better. Maybe someone will call me about a job? Maybe I will get mail (God, I love getting mail!), maybe things will just seem less shit overall? I’d like to think this is as bad as I’m going to feel about everything, so let’s hope it’s upwards from here.

This popped up in my reader today from Le Quaintrelle (not only is she as cute as pie, she is obviously psychic too!) I’m watching How I Met Your Mother at the moment and this episode Lily (my favourite!) has quit being a Kindergarten teacher and is trying to find her true calling but is pretty much failing. Clearly I’m not the only one to have had this delimma. [Edit: It's over, Lily went back to teaching and it's all happy families again. Bitches, there is not always a happy ending!!]

In other news, my class has had the centre’s first case of swine flu and I’ve got another four kids away sick at the moment. We got the official notification from Queensland Health today and now there are notices posted everywhere is a variety of languages and letters going home. We cleaned down everything in our room today and there is hand santizier pumps on every counter in the place, it kind of seems like bio-hazard suits and portable, mutli angle shower sprays will be the next step in the decontamination process. Just in case that wasn’t quite enough, we’ve also got a prolonged case of headlice doing the rounds. I am certain I’ll get the lice, the kids delight in swapping their hats with mine and I never worried about it but now hearing we’ve got (and had) lice, it makes me suspicious.

Now for two fabulous stories:

1) Remember the parent who snarked on me the other day? Well, she and her husband had a meeting today with the bosses about things. No one has said anything to me about it, but I am sure it has to do with how much she dislikes me as a teacher. Anyways, after her meeting she came into the room to collect her kid and was looking awfully smug (probably after hearing tomorrow is my last day). They were looking at some work the kids had done and one of my girls was following them around, telling them about the work. She read one sign and mispronounced the medium we’d used to make that art, the little girl following them around said “No, it’s like this” and corrected her pronounciation. It was not intended to be mean or bitchy, but it was the best burn I’ve witnessed in a long time…and I love her for doing it, even though she didn’t intend it to be a shut down.

2) The kids often make me “food” from the sandpit, and being a good shitty teacher, I pretend to eat it. After they tire of real food the game almost always disolves into offerings of “poo poo cake” and “yucky garbage soup” which I still pretend to eat which is just the most hilarious thing in the world, if you are four. Anyways, during the game one of the little girls offered me an imaginary baby in her hands. I pretended to eat it and then all of a sudden she got very serious and told me that “No, Miss Jen, you can’t eat babies”. Maybe you had to be there, but it was hilarious.

2a) (I forgot about this one, but it’s too good not to share) Today one of my girls was drawing and she showed me a picture of a person with a dress and high heels. I asked her to tell me about it and she explained it’s her dad when he wears a dress and high heels. Having met Dad and finding him to be an uber cool, trendy guy I presume it was for a party or dress up or something rather than true cross dressing, but either way, admiting your dad wears dresses and high heels is awesome!

Last day of school tomorrow. I’m excited to have a bit of time off to sort shit out but hopefully it won’t be too long between jobs. I’ve been applying for stuff pretty freely so hopefully someone will want me.

Has anyone every felt like they’ve cocked up their whole life?

I’ve never felt like this before, even when I have my pity parties I never believed I’d done everything the wrong way but now I’m starting to suspect it. I’ve spent seven and a half years at uni and only have a bachelor degree that I don’t even want to use anymore. Have been left behind again, am single again, am living at home again. This was never the plan, I don’t ever recall dreaming wistfully of being an aimless bum when I was younger.

At the moment, I just don’t feel good about anything. I am always last at bootcamp so I feel useless at that, I was ripped through by a parent who’d only met me that moring at work today so I’m convinced to never go back to the industry because I am clearly terrible at it. Miss Jones gets on a plane tomorrow and there is every chance I’ll never see her again and my nearest and dearest are now both on the other side of Australia.

I just need something to look forward to. Some indication that better things are in store and it’s worth dealing with the melancholy at the moment.

Only four more days of work left, I took Monday off to spend with Miss Jones*. There are three parents who are super shitty that I am leaving (shitty at the bosses for not trying to keep me), another three or so that are moderately upset because their kids enjoy having me as their teacher, and forty other parents who could give a shit because I am merely someone to ensure their kid doesn’t injured in the 10 or so hours they spend in my care. It’s OK, I have dealt.

*Tomorrow, Miss Jones is back in Brisbane and is having some goodbye drinks. I didn’t expect to see her when she was back, I thought she’d have too much to do but I get to see her tomorrow and Monday. Super exciting! We’ve already done the final goodbye business, so this is just kinda like “bonus time” which is just fun. Also fun because I get to drink tomorrow night! I haven’t had the chance/inclination to drink for ages, now I have to choose what to drink. Decisions, decisions.

I’ve applied for an insurance job. I think I’ve got a good chance of getting it, considering my insurance experience and I think my application was pretty good so fingers crossed! It’s based near the CBD but there is 12 weeks of training in a suburb right by my house, that’s three months of my favourite thing and then when I start working I can move out to where I want to live and work will be handy. It seems like it will all work well so with any luck, I’ll get it. The best part is that it’s a job I can do and then walk away from in the arvo and not have to do anything at until I start the next day.

Bootcamp is officially over. I took most of this last week off because I was just wrecked from being sick and had no energy but I dragged myself back this morning. I’m gonna sign up for the next one which starts on Monday, I have to take a couple weeks off when I am off to NZ but I’ve still got three good weeks. I don’t think there is any real difference from having done it, I am significantly fitter and maybe slightly more toned but I’m hardy buff. I suppose Rome wasn’t built in five weeks, right? Maybe 10 weeks! I might even try harder this time to make it work, now that I know what I am doing a bit better.

Right now I have been sucked into watching Gran Tarino, The Olds are watching it and I sat own for five minutes and now I can’t tear myself away. This is totally not the kind of movie I’d ever chose to sit down and watch but I can’t bear to not find out how it ends. Clint Eastwood looks a little like D’Poppy did (except D’Poppy scowled a lot less and had significantly fewer guns and assorted badass weapons). [It ended, it was actually pretty awesome. If you don't normally like action, boy movies then I reckon you should suss this one out, it's pretty decent.]

I kind of wish that I was pressured more into providing an answer for the question “What do you want to be when you grow up?” when I was little, cause god knows I’ve got no answer for it these days. The only answer I ever remember giving was “famous”, I didn’t really put any more thought into it. I just assumed you could be famous for being famous (and apparently you can, look at Ms Hilton) but now I realize that the reality isn’t quite so simple.

So, I resigned on Monday. Work was making me exceedingly unhappy and it’s just not worth feeling like that. I have plans in place for how to maintain an income but ultimately, I have no idea what I want to do. Well, that’s not exactly true. I do know what I’d like to do but it’s not really feasible or a wise move, so there’s a good chance I never will. Rather than explain my idea existence, I can just link it for you. Elsie is pretty much my god. Creating beautiful things for a living? Check. Awesome tattoos? Check. Being blissful happy each day? Check. Gorgeous pug dog-baby? Check. Great hair? Check. She’s just leading the kind of life I would adore, but I’ve got no idea how to go about it. Does it just happen? Do you just kinda do your thing and then maybe one day you find yourself in the right place at the right time? Or do you spend your entire life trying to pursue something that you’ll never quite reach. I suppose I’m scared to try in case it’s never meant to be and I’m chasing a target I was never meant to reach but I’m also scared that it just might be what I am supposed to do but I’ve spent all my time worrying about trying to do the “sensible thing” that I’ve just missed any opportunity I might have had.

Do people ever really feel like they are doing what they are supposed to do? How do you find out what you should be doing? I feel like I need a careers counselor, but just one who will tell me what I should be doing, I don’t need options or choices, I need to be told!! I think I know what “normal” options I’d like to pursue until I get to be famous but I still don’t know for sure.

I am calling on you clever cookies to nominate a great job for me. You can choose one “dream job” (e.g. lion tamer, balloon sculptor) and one actual job (bank teller, teacher) if you’d like. If you’ve been reading me for a while I reckon you’d have a pretty clear picture of the kind of person I am, so your suggestions are just as good as mine would be. Even if you’ve only read me twice, feel welcome to give it a shot, it’s not like you can fuck up my career path anymore than it already is!

• Firstly, is everyone excited by 12:34:56 today?! Granted that itself happens each day, but not every day is 7/08/09! I am very impressed, I love little naturally occurring bits of awesome like this. I wish I could do something memorable at that time. It’s a little too late to try and organise a wedding, seeing as we are T minus thirty minutes. Maybe next millennium!

• Why am I posting at home on a Friday? It’s a long story, beginning Wednesday when I lost my shit at work. The Director came in while the kids were eating lunch and basically told my assistant and I that parents were complaining and that almost everything we do is wrong and that is all needs to change to keep the parents happy. I didn’t argue and just accepted it, but after she left I told my assistant “That’s it, I’m done, I’m resigning”. Straight after that, he left the room and went and told her that I was stressed out and planning to quit so she called me out of the room for a “meeting”. The meeting basically consisted of her being patronizing, telling me to pretty well just tow the line and do what parents want and not worry about it because they think I’m doing an ok job. At the same time she also told me how lots of people find me “unapproachable” and that I should say hello to parents and talk about their children and pretend to be interested in them. I didn’t argue back, I say hello to everyone who walks through the door, I chat to parents who want to chat, but I’m not going to press a mum or dad who is on their way to work up against a wall and demand a conversation out of them, so call me unprofessional. Anyways, as she was doing all of this all I could think about was how basically I am shit at my job and all the parents hate me and what I am doing, I know it’s not true but when all you hear is what you do wrong it’s hard to remember what you do do right. So, I kind of got to the brink of tears during the convo and let a few slip. I never cry in front of people, I don’t recall the last time I cried in front of someone, but work just stresses me out so much that I couldn’t hold it anymore. I’m going to resign. I don’t know if I mentioned it but one parent in particular has an issue with me and is basically doing everything in her power to make me feel like shit about everything I do, the director doesn’t really care to defend me or support the work I am doing because it’s more important to keep parents happy and getting their money than defending the work of a qualified teacher to narky parents. I just want out, I can’t do it anymore. I’m home today because I am sick, again. I think the combination of dirty kid germs and the fact I am stressed to the max just meant I caught the latest thing going around.

• I ordered some Hello Kitty temporary tattoos as preparation for my real shoulder cap. I am going to get a Hello Kitty face as part of the the combination of bits, I do love Hello Kitty – I have done for so many years so I feel confident I won’t grow to hate her anytime soon plus, she’s like the face of Japan so it’s meaningful on two levels. The tattoo set also comes with a cupcake and icecream cone and other super cutey bits that I want to use as well. I’m slowly narrowing down the bits I want in it, and how I want it to all come together. I think when I come back from NZ I’ll start getting it designed and maybe have it actually done for my birthday. What better way to celebrate 26 than with a super cute, immature, girly girl tattoo??

• Boot camp is going well. The other night we did the same run that I did on my first night. The first time I could run maybe 1/4 of the way and really felt like I might die when I was done, but this time I ran 3/4 of the way and felt fine! I probably could have run the whole way but I was getting sick and it was after the particularly shit day at work so I was feeling a little bit more worn out than normal. I got my Bridge to Brisbane kit today, joggers have a maximum of 45 minutes to complete the course but I am just going the “general” section so I’d like to have it done in an hour. I think it’s a reasonable goal, not impossible and not too difficult.

• I am epically failing at being “broken up” with Miss Jones. See! I can’t even acknowledge it as a real break up, it is still an inverted commas break up. I still love her, I still want to hug her every day, I still need to speak to her daily but it’s not even one sided, she’s just as bad as I am. When she’s OS and chatting daily isn’t an option anymore I will be struggling. I’m still pretending that she’ll just come home in a while and things will be back to normal. I don’t want to think about the alternative. Yeah, I know this is probably going to result in a massive crash and burn but I still can’t help but be hopeful, there just might be a chance it will work out. Right?..?..?