And live the rest of our lives, but not together…
24 Sep
I had a conversation that was long overdue this morning. The feelings and thoughts that have been gnawing at me for a few weeks now have settled. I wouldn’t be surprised if I can start sleeping properly again.
Before I go on, let me explain something first:
Lesbians are dramatic, anyone who tries to tell you otherwise is lying. Of course there are some of us who are less work than others, but on the whole we are a passionate people. When two lesbians meet, your immediately have to work out whether or not you’d sleep with the other party. If the answer is no then you can go about being BFF and everything is gravy*. If the answer ranges from “Maybe if I was kinda tipsy” to “Hellz yes, let me unzip my jeans right now”, then shit is gonna get complex. If it’s towards the higher end of the spectrum you will either a) hook up, realize that you didn’t want to and then shit will go back to normal b) hook up, fall madly in love and end up moving in together and adopting a puppy in 6 months c) hook up, bicker, have a wicked scrag fight, bitch about the other party to your friends, hook up again when you are both tipsy, rinse and repeat or d)Let the mutual interest bubble away for however long until it becomes clear one party is more invested and then you get to go the unrequited love route, or a/b/c happens.
* Or things will be perpetually strange and weird for the entirity of your friendship, although that is rare.
So Miss Jones has kinda met someone. I won’t lie, it felt like I had been punched in the stomach when I first found out. I dealt with it fantastically by crying a bunch and becoming a snarky, passive-aggressive bitch whenever I spoke to her. It wasn’t even so much the meeting someone that bothered me, I knew it was bound to happen, it was the time that it happened that got to me.
She’s been gone about a month and I’ve only known for a couple of weeks that it was certain she wasn’t coming home. I know from being OS that a month away from home feels like six months and so many things happen so fast, but to everyone at home a month is just four weeks of doing the same shit as you’ve always done. So that made me appreciate the situation a bit more. Miss Jones also explained that she has to meet people because she knows no one. Although I didn’t and still don’t want her to ever justify her actions to me, but that was a really good point. I don’t want her to sit in her room and be miserable, I want her to have a good time. I know from knowing a bunch of lesbians that when you meet new girls, it’s inevitable that someone is gonna fall for someone else.
Just for some added mental anguish I recently convinced myself that the entire time we were together than she was actually unhappy and was glad to be rid of me and free to see other people. I needed to explain this to her because it’s what had been eating at me for a week now. Because she is lovely, Miss Jones assured me that it was not the case and that she enjoyed our time together. Is there even anything better that you could ask for after a relationship ends? I don’t want her to sit and pine for me (I do enough of that for both of us 
), I don’t want to create drama now that makes her glad she is rid of me, I just really wanted to lay my cards on the table so things don’t start to get bottled up.
Coming back was mentioned and the idea that I won’t be waiting for her if she does. It’s true, I’m not waiting. But I am also not not waiting. If someone comes along I won’t be turning down an opportunity to be happy with someone else for the sake of Miss Jones, and I wouldn’t want her to do that either. But if she does come back, and does want to see how things go again, I can’t say I wouldn’t try it. I so wanted to be the pious bitch who would tell her to fuck off for passing up the chance for happily ever after with me once before, but I don’t even mean that in the slightest. I totally get why she went away, I did the exact same thing. I don’t even have any feelings of bitterness anymore now that the air has been cleared, I understand why she is doing what she is doing and ultimately I want her to be happy, regardless of whether I am a part of that so when you have no feelings of ill will, it is very hard to try and be bitchy about stuff.
If she was to come back, I feel I would forever regret the opportunity to see where things might have gone. I still have a feeling of unfinished business. Not in the “You killed my father, and now I will murder your family to avenge his death” way, but more like if you were playing mini golf and it started raining so you had to finish early. It won’t be the same game you would have played if you didn’t stop, but there is every chance you can still have a good time once you started again.
I feel so much better about things. Even though nothing has changed I really needed to get those ideas out of my head and I so appreciate Miss Jones explaining her side of stuff to me. I finally feel like I have had the right amount of closure on this now that I can move on without looking back but not so much closure that I’m glad it’s just over and I’m left with a bad taste in my mouth. I love her, but I am not in love with her anymore. Things are good.
Next post? I’m pretty sure I’ve got post-traumatic stress disorder from working in Japan. Fun times.
Is it ok that I am kinda mad at her for meeting someone so soon?
Man you are taking this way better than I would, I would totally be on the snarky bitch trail right about now.
i.h.m.n, it’s totally ok to feel however you like. I’m kinda loving the fact that you care so much
I truly don’t want her to be unhappy, so if someone else makes her happy then that is a good thing. It would still suck to know she met someone after two months, or three months so I am focusing less on the “she’s with someone who is not me, that breaks my heart” and more on the “we can’t be together anymore, so I hope she can be happy with someone else” bit.
Being a snarky bitch just makes ME feel more shitty and won’t change anything anyways so I’m moving past that.
I think you’ll find there’s a few of us ihmn’s out there, Jen.
But. I’m glad you’re coping so well with it all
)
Well, besides the PT Sress…?!
I am glad that you at least found some closure for now- even if things change in the future at least you will know things are moving forward for you both.
It is VERY hard when someone moves on first and at a fast pace(no matter if it was a boy or girl you were seeing)- it always enevitably sucks for the one that hasn`t moved on or found someone new yet.
And sorry, your lesbians are dramatic spiel and how relationships go had me in stitches. You wrote it so well!!!
I have to be honest and admit I’m a little cranky too, just in that who would not want you? I mean please.
You crazy lesbians.
But you and J. get major kudos for handling this so maturely and reasonably. I think that’s when you truly care for someone when the overriding wish for them is to just to be happy.
Enny, it’s all good!
Lulu, glad you like the bit about lesbians, it’s all true
Lucy, she has her side of the story too, it’s all good. She’s defs not the “bad guy” in this, is it what it is – two people living on other sides of the world.
And yes, I do truly care for her so I do only want good things for her, even if it’s not me anymore
Oh Jen. It’s so great that you had this conversation. Love is what it is; you can be two halves of a great relationship with nothing to accuse the other of, but one party can still be more invested in the relationship than the other. Miss J was simply in a different place in her life and not interested in settling down. Sad and oh so common. But you’ll be fine.
JT, I think it’s great also. You’re right, she totally had to go OS and I never wanted to stop her. Moving on it just a part of moving someplace new and having to carve out a new niche for yourself. I think it’s terrible when people who aren’t ready to settle down do it to please a partner, I would hate to think someone compromised something like that just for me.