Escaping
25 Sep
Right, so as I said, I’ll discuss why I think I have Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder or something else equally messed up happening in my head.
For the last couple of months, at least a couple of times a week since I left my last teaching job, I’ve been having nightmares. Not your average nightmares with monsters or being chased or anything, nightmares about my bosses in Japan. In the dreams I am always trapped and I have to try and escape. I always have to find the words that will allow me to get out of the school without them doing anything to me or hurting me so I can be free. I always have to be very sweet and nice and kind of trick them into getting out the front door without making them overly angry so they don’t try and get me. The night I quit is still incredibly vivid and played out the same way as the dream always do, I just wanted to find the words so I could get out the door without being hit. He’d never hit me personally, but he had hit the kids and his own family so I have little doubt he would have hit the staff if he felt the need.
Every time I have these dreams I get incredibly stressed and incredibly nervous. I’ve started sleeping with my jaws and fists clenched again (something that I stopped doing when the brain candy kicked in) and I’m averaging about five hours of sleep a night nowadays when I used to get eight hours without even trying.
I knew the job (or the bosses rather) stressed me out a huge amount, but I didn’t realise how much it affected me. I still worry that they will have somehow found me in Australia and have come back to get some sort of revenge. I often dream that after I manage to quit school and go back to my apartment they are waiting there for me. It’s not as far fetched as it sounds, they were both incredibly angry and vindictive people when they chose to be, and he in particular could be quite heavy handed, even violent at times. I won’t for a second deny that I was and am still terrified of them.
I don’t know why the dreams have become so frequent. I’ve had them ever since I did really quit, but they weren’t too often – maybe once every few weeks, never several times a week like now. I almost go to sleep now preparing for a terrible night’s sleep and wondering in what circumstances the dream will play out tonight. I suppose it might have something to do with me having lost a huge amount of self confidence in my last job, so now I don’t feel capable of dealing with a situation? Maybe starting a business that is so intrinsically tied to my self-confidence (which is lacking at the moment) has opened the floodgates for past anxieties? Maybe Miss Jones leaving has just upset the teetering apple cart that is my sanity a little too much and now random fears are flooding back? In addition, I’m also having a falling dream at least once a night,and I just looked and found it’s a common indication of insecurities and anxiety, awesome. Whatever it is, it’s not fun. I’m sick of being tired all the time and waking up with a knot in my stomach.
Thoughts and feelings?? Anyone else ever had a real life event play out over and over again in your dream? How did you fix it?
Yep, my mother’s death. I guess it’s just trauma, it comes and goes. It probably is linked to self-confidence and general stress, although my theory is that it’s linked to my diet (wheat, sugar and coffee). I try not to worry about it and it eventually pisses off for a while.
Perhaps you could try to talk to your bosses the next time you dream about them. Sit them down, tell them it’s ok to be angry and ask them what is bothering them so much in their lives. Be like a mental health nurse.
Do you think it’s worth talking to someone about? That they could help you work out how to get it over and out? It sucks that it’s affecting your sleep – seeing as that should be the time where you don’t have to think about that crap!
Every few months I have a dream that features a friend of mine that passed almost two years ago. He’s there, and I’m surprised to see him, and we chat a little, then I remember that he’s dead and it’s like he knows and doesn’t know at the same time. It’s very sad, but nice in a way to see him again.
Enny~ Your description of the dream about your friend it just like the ones I have about my mum.
Jen Twin – oh wow. I’m usually really sad when I wake up afterwards, but I do take some comfort – it’s like a little visit.
I suffered PTSD for a while back when I was doing my post-grad, after I was beaten senseless by some chav scum one night. Due to that and general depression, I ended up taking Citalopram for a while and seeing a counsellor.
I don’t know about PTSD but with some other behaviours you can tackle it by setting aside some conscious time to deal with it — block an hour or two or however much time once a week to devote just to thinking about it, this can stop your subconscious feeling the need to go over it, and the time can then be reduced.
This is totally not the advice of a professional though, and I shall send you an email though, as I was talking to a Psychotherapist today about PTSD.
The very curious thing, is since I posted this, I haven’t had another dream about it. It’s almost like *admitting it* meant that it no longer had such control over my mind. I think bootcamp also helps, I like to be exhausted so I sleep properly but also not just holding all this in my head means it can’t keep repeating. I don’t think it’s gone forever, but this is the longest I’ve been without the dream for weeks and weeks.
Stress or other anxiety would bring it on, so it stands to reason that BootCamp could help relieve some of that pressure for you. Your subconscious wants only the best for you and has good intentions with the nightmares, but it’s a matter of figuring out exactly what that it is.
Enny again~ Exactly. I too feel gently sad and glad to have had a bit of time with her. You really have expressed EXACTLY my feelings. Thanks!