Somewhere, something incredible is waiting to be known

Earlier this week, before I found out I was employed, I had a cry on FB about having to cancel my birthday tattoo. A beautiful fellow blogger suggested I might put a donation button on my blog, so interested parties could throw me a couple of bucks. While the idea that other people would want to part with their money simply for something I want is totally lovely, it didn’t quite sit right with me. The idea of asking people for money just makes me feel so bad!

During the week a couple of other people mentioned they’d also be keen, and that I should do it. In the past, quite a few people have overpaid when buying things from my shop, simply because they just like the blog and wanted to do something nice and pay an extra few bucks. However, let me be the first to announce there are far more worthy causes than my frivolous wants and needs. People can’t afford medicine and food and things, so I do actually realize how incredibly privileged I am simply by being born a white person, living in a capital city in Australia. On the other hand, who am I to dictate what people spend their money on? I wouldn’t want someone to tell me what to do with the money I earn, and I can spend it as I please.

Let me explain my idea. I am going to get my half sleeve on my left arm started in a couple of weeks. It’s going to be candy/cupcake themed and is going to be super bright, happy, colorful and girly. I have left it in the hands of my very capable and talented tattoo artist as to the ultimate placement and arrangement of things, but I trust his ideas so it’s all fine. In between the larger pieces, I am going to have smaller “filler” type stuff – little candies, maybe some stars, just stuff I like that will add to the overall fun of the piece as a whole. This has always been the plan, it’s been in the works for months and has been booked for several weeks now, so it has always been something I was going to do.

So here’s what I am suggesting. As a purely optional pursuit, you may donate to the tattoo fund. You can donate $1 or $1000 or anything in between, or nothing at all. Any donations won’t buy my friendship, respect, loyalty, links to your blog, pimping of whatever you are trying to sell or anything like that.  I’m friends with my friends, I respect people who deserve respect and I’ll link you if are you cool (although, I am severely overdue to update my links, so I may well link you if you donate, but I may also link you if you don’t!). For donations of $40 or more, I am offering a unique experience for you to be part of my arm. If you donate $40 or more, I’ll let you choose 1 piece of candy to include as filler in my half sleeve. It will just be 1 piece of candy (like an M&M, jellybean, gummi bear, etc), it can be whatever color you like so long as it’s bright and colorful (and my artist has the color) and will be no larger than 2cm x 2cm. There is no claiming placements or anything like that, if you want a candy it will just be put whatever the artist thinks it will look best. You don’t get to write shit on the candy, you don’t get to choose random objects and nothing weird or creepy or anything like that. You get to pick one small piece of candy, choose a traditional color for said candy (no polka dotted jellybeans, for example) and have it included somewhere in the half sleeve. If you want to donate and don’t want to pick anything that’s ok as well, I won’t force anyone to do it

The link is below, if you’d like to donate, please go ahead. If you don’t want to, simply read on, no hard feelings. Whether I get no donations or 1503 donations, I’m gonna get this tattoo, this will simply provide some additional funds towards to project. If you donate and “buy” a candy, I’m happy to post you a picture of it once it’s all done and colored so you can have some evidence of your “purchase”, if you’d like that just leave your address in the comments section in PayPal.

***If you want to hate, please just jog on. I don’t care to hear it. If you don’t like tattoos, don’t donate. I am a consenting adult of legal age. I have several other tattoos and I will get more after this piece. I have my work done in a clean, licensed parlor by an amazing, experienced artist whom I trust completely. I am prepared to be an old lady with a wrinkled, droopy half sleeve. I understand the impact this may have on employment opportunities. I know only prostitutes and drug dealers have tattoos, and no nice boys will want girls with tattoos. I don’t know why I want to permanently mark myself, it’s not because I hate my parents, it’s not to try and be cool and it’s not to look tough. I guess I just like something that the majority of the population doesn’t seem overly keen on, but that doesn’t make it wrong or bad, it just makes it different. My skin, not yours. ***

So, you remember how a while ago I talked about how much I’d like to work at a cupcake store? Encouraged by that idea, I visited the site of my spiritual home and decided to just go ahead and see if they needed staff. I sent off my resume and an impassioned plea (vaguely disguised as a cover letter) and waited. After a couple of weeks I figured that they weren’t interested and were probably working out how to arrange a restraining order so that the obviously crazy person could never email them again.

Alas, today, I got a call. I’ll give you a small, direct quote from our conversation, “Well, we aren’t at all interested in your resume, but you just so enthusiastic and excited about the business, we’d really like to meet you”. It’s not all sunshine and pudding, they want someone full time which I would have happily leapt at but this morning I was lucky enough to nab a job on Mondays and Tuesdays, which clashes with their wanting someone from Tuesday to Saturday. I told them that if they could work around those two days then I’d still be more than thrilled to work with them so I guess we’ll just see. Personally, I’d make an exception in my plan for someone who was going to be a super great employee, but who knows. She said she may be in contact later in the week after she’d spoken to her daughter (the owner, I believe). Fingers, toes, eyes, ears, hair and anything else you can possible cross crossed, OK? I was almost tempted to blurt out, “It’s OK, how about if I just pay you guys to let me come in and hang around every day, please!?!” But I managed to keep my cool, albeit only slightly.

So there, in a day I’ve gone from gainfully unemployed in the traditional sense, to having one job with another offer possibly being laid on the table. I’d happily do both jobs, I’d happily work six days a week because the key here is both jobs are really awesome. The job I got today is in an incredibly niche market so I’m gonna refrain from mentioning it on here because it would be about the second in Google results, so let’s just call it a Magic Shop. Magic Shop work involves a great deal of sitting on my ass, passing the time and a small amount of actual work. It’s also a job that has absolutely nothing in the way of formal policies about dress or appearance or anything like that so I can cover myself with tattoos and wear jeans to work and no one will bat an eyelid. I mentioned in the letter to the Cupcake Folk that I am getting a half sleeve featuring a cupcake for my birthday so they know straight up that I am a tattooed person and I can’t imagine it would be any issue for them to have a member of staff permanently marked with their own product.

Becoming employed mean I can still get the tattoo, but not the day I planned (since it will be a work day for me). That’s totally alright though, I am happy for my 26th year to start off by working to pay for something I want, that works for me just fine. I can’t even think about how great 26 would be if it involved working with cupcakes, it makes me smile really big and I have to resist the urge to squeal when I think about how great it would be. Honestly, clearing tables or doing dishes would still be great when surrounded by cupcakes. How could you have a bad day when you work in an environment like that?? You couldn’t, it would be physically impossible.

If I was lucky enough to work both jobs it would also mean I could afford to move out AND the locations of each job mean that I could live in a cool suburb AND it would be actually convenient and reasonable! Of course this is all based on the shiny happy version of these possibilities, but even if the cupcakers don’t want me I still have a job now and that means I can get my tattoo so yay, anything else is a bonus

• Yes, dots again. I’ve got too many random things to talk about to even try an attempt a logical post.

• First of all, the magnificent Jac has simply proven my suspicion that she is the most awesome, wonderful, totally excellent dude in the entire universe. I was totally bummed because the next time I was due to see her was April next year because she’s going to Europe for most of the school hols leaving no time for a side trip. Her solution to this was to book me flights to Melbs so we can spend the weekend before she pisses off to London. It’s such an amazingly generous thing to do and just another reason why I’d have little hesitation in becoming conjoined to her. It would be the best fun EVER!

• Another big shout out to Enny! Or, should I say, soon-to-be Mrs The Hun. Indeed, the big day is on Saturday and whilst I might not be there in person, I’ll be all over Enny and her BMs. (Literally, even up her dress! I made the garter I know she will be radiant and I really hope their special day goes off without a hitch and heralds the start of a very long and fantastic life together!!

• Bootcamp is going ok. My trainer reckons my running is improving but I’m pretty sure she’s just being nice. I’m massively fitter than I was, and recover quickly after doing stuff but I’m still not super strong or fast. It’s lucky I don’t want to be an elite athlete, huh?

• Miss Jones? She’s still gone with no signs of coming back. It’s just over two months now that she’s been gone and it feels like two years. Pretty much want her to come back as much as ever, but I’m dealing with the fact it’s probably not going to happen. I always said I’d give her three months then kinda need to walk away for the sake of not being pathetic forever. I don’t know if it will be quite that easy, but you know. Plus, I don’t even know for sure that she wants things to go back to how they were. She hasn’t said otherwise, but if she does come back, maybe she’ll want to do everything different. Still totally heartbreaking, but I think I’m closer to accepting you just don’t always get what you want, kind of the “too bad, so sad” thing. Heaps of people don’t get the things they want, even if they do want them super badly, so there is no reason why I should be the exception to that rule. As D’Brother loves to say “You can wish in one hand and shit in the other and see which one fills up first”, obviously wishing with all my might is not going to change anything, so I might as well start dealing with the reality of things.

• Shop is going pretty well. Got my first stranger sale today, a batch of buttons ordered by an international law firm (of all places). Not a massive order, but still a bulk order and still from a place that could potentially bring me a bunch of business. Fingers crossed! Still doing a fair amount of custom work as well. Not content with that, I’m also applying for two consignments – one with a bricks and mortar shop and the other with an online boutique, and I’m doing my first market on Nov 1st. If you’re a Brisbane kid and you wanna come along, hit me up and I’ll give you the details! It won’t be massive event but I’m kinda glad about that, nice to ease into it and all.

• I’ve decided on a haircut and it’s fairly out there, but would you expect anything less from me?? It’s also the fast train to unemployable at least until it grows out a little but it’s just even more incentive to make the business work. AKA Togninis is closed this week for renos so I have to wait until next Tuesday for the cut and it can’t come soon enough, my hair is feral!

• Also, have gotta cancel my tattoo. This absolutely rips my heart out but I can’t afford to start a $800 tattoo right now. I’d hate to have it outlined and then wait six months to get it colored so I’ll just have to postpone it for a while. If anyone wants to buy $800 of stock right now, I won’t fight you, in fact, there is every chance I will pash you and dry hump your leg. I really, really want that tattoo so badly. It’s become so much more than just ink on skin, it’s the physical manifestation of doing something I truly love even though it might not be everyone’s cup of tea and I so desperately want that to be a part of me forever. Seriously, I am absolutely mourning the fact it has to be put off, but what can you do? You don’t always get what you want, even if you want it super badly. True Love, if you a reading and want to do a freebie half sleeve, I’ll be eternally in your debt. In fact, I’d even get your logo tattooed on me (not my forehead, obviously, gotta protect the money maker, but someplace else fo shiz!)

• I have perfected the $4 car wash. I don’t like doing the bucket and sponge deal, it’s messy and I perpetually miss bits so it’s totally pointless. Instead, I go to on of those car wash places with the high pressure spray and foamy brushes and do it there. Being stingy I’ve fine tuned the washing process so I can pre-wash rinse, foam brush and high pressure rinse in six minutes/$4. Today I thought the machine was broken because I spent about 30 seconds pissing around and hosing at nothing after I was done washing. This pleases me far more than it should.

• I am so procrastinating right now. It’s not even really procrastination, I’ve realized it’s totally part of my self sabotage. The reason I don’t succeed at many things is because I don’t give myself a chance to. Right now, I’m convinced the business is going to fail. I’m not good enough at what I do to make this work, my products aren’t good enough, the people who buy from me are unhappy with their products – all that shit is running through my head right now. Just to top it off I’ve also added in a bit of “Miss Jones doesn’t want to be stuck with you, you are too unsuccessful for her, she wants someone younger and who is going places” as well as “You suck at bootcamp, you are the worst at everything and you’ll never get better at it”. When all those horrible things are playing on a news reel through your mind, it’s pretty hard to find the motivation to do any work, it all seems in vain. I understand that those things aren’t necessarily all true and that by thinking those things it has the potential to create a self fulfilling prophesy but I can’t shake it at the moment. I know it’s just a low period. I major in anxiety, but I also hold a minor in depression. The lows I experience aren’t super low, crushing ones, they are just like I feel right now. Unmotivated, uninspired, incredibly self-conscious and self critical and desperately keen to cut myself off from the world. Monday I couldn’t bring myself to go to bootcamp but I managed to show up yesterday and this morning. I couldn’t handle the chiro this afternoon so I canceled that. This weekend I have committed to go to one of those cosmetic type parties held by one of the girls at bootcamp. I don’t particularly care to go but I am going to make myself because I need to, basically. I’ve also been invited to show off the things I make at the party. This makes me incredibly nervous because it puts me in the position to be judged, but I need to do it.

• In other news, my hair is getting super long. I don’t trust myself to have it cut right now, because I feel so shit about myself I don’t think it would be as good as it could be, so I’m going to leave it for a little while. I don’t know whether to keep it short again or let it get a little longer. It’s long enough to put in wee ponytails now which is the longest it’s been since Japan!

• I have a job interview on Tuesday. I’m terrified and convinced I’m not going to get it despite the fact I’m wildly over qualified (kinda like employing a race car driver to chauffeur the model cars that drive around to a pre-determined track at Dreamworld). It’s right by my house and only a few hours a week so it would be ideal so I’m gonna try and be the shiny happy future employee they want. I may feel like shit but I’ve become quite skilled at acting fine.

• Queensland is HOT. We’ve had pretty well no spring this year, winter kind of finshed and went straight into summer. I feel quite cheated, I adore spring! Spring means “birthday!!” but now it’s already so hot it feels like late December. Fail, Queensland Weather, fail.

• I’ll admit something that makes me a creep, so I want you to do the same in the comments (or else!). I love Christmas time at the shops, I love the shitty, garish decorations being put up, I love the magic of it all. Last year it didn’t feel like Christmas because I was alone, it was cold and I was in Japan and they just do things different over there. Anyways, the best thing about Christmas stuff coming to shops? Tinsel. Specifically the smell of tinsel. That smell of foil makes me giddy with excitement. It reminds me of when I was little. For the record, the long fringe-y tinsel smells better than the traditional bushy, ropes of tinsel. The benefit of the long fringe is that you can stroke it and stuff. On one or more occasions I may have bought a packet of that tinsel just to play with…

I’ve been wanting to write about this for like a week now, but I don’t really know how to start off so I’ve been putting it off. I think I’m gonna go with dots, just because it’s all confusing and stuff so this is probably the easiest way:

• Miss Jones and I are failing at being broken up.

• When she met “someone”, I didn’t really care to concern myself with the details and assumed the someone was a “Someone” and they were weeks away from moving in together and getting dogs.

• That was actually not the case.

• After being particularly lame and feeling fundamentally shaken by her leaving, I finally told her that I miss her heaps and still pretty well feel the same as I did about her while she was here.

• Turns out Miss Jones is on a similar page.

• So now? Well, nothing is different. I still don’t want her to come home until she’s ready, she still won’t come home until she’s ready but it’s become obvious that neither of us is really ready to just walk away from the idea of “us”. If she comes back in the near future, wild horses would not stop me from running, crying, all the way to the airport if I had to. Once there, I think we would need to construct some sort of adult size baby sling because it’s most unlikely that I would release my vice-like grip on her for at least several days so strapping myself to her would be the most practical option. The mere thought of her coming back makes me all misty-eyed so I generally can’t think about it for too long, lest I burst into tears.

• The idea of us ending and moving in new directions sounded all good in theory, but in practice? Not so much. How do you fall out of love with someone that you love with every molecule of your body, when they’ve done nothing to make you feel any different?? I’m sure that it would probably be the smart idea, to just cut your losses and move on thusly preventing any chance of future heartbreak, but I just can’t do it. Maybe I will end up crushed if Miss Jones ends up landing an awesome job and never planning on coming home. I am very, very aware of the risk I am taking by being just a little bit madly in love with someone who is living on the other side of the world for an indefinite period. I know there is every chance that things may just crash and burn and I’ll end up sitting in the shower crying my eyes out for a couple of weeks, but despite all of that, I still can’t do it. I can’t walk away, I am way too invested in her so I don’t even care. I’d rather risk having my heart broken than missing out on a chance, however unlikely it may be, to be with her.

• Just for some added lame, I’m all gushy about her at the moment. I get all excited and butterflies-in-the-tummy when I get an email from her or see her come online. I guess because it’s sort of returned to the “ooh, I wonder how much she likes me” days that it’s all fun and exciting. I google “time in London” several times and day and wonder what she is doing (I know I could just remember the time difference, but I don’t). I talk about her to anyone who’ll listen, think about her all day every day and get all excited about being able to tell her the mundane shit I do. Whoever came up with the “distance makes the heart grown fonder” stuff, really knew his shit.

I know some of you lovely people who are solely concerned with my well being are going to see this as an epic disaster which will only be a matter of time until a big crash and burn. I totally appreciate the concern, but I know what I am doing and I’m jumping in with my eyes wide open. While there is the chance things will go badly, there is also just as much chance of a happily ever after. I am absolutely willing to take that chance, however small. Turns out I really can’t just walk away from her, from us.

<3

I am pretty sure this post is mostly for my benefit, but maybe it will be interesting for you too?

Shit I need:

• Public Liability Insurance – so I can go sell stuff at markets and be covered if people want to sue me and junk.
• An overlocker – I have access to one, but it would be heaps easier if I didn’t have to zigzag edges or wait until I see D’Nanny to use hers.
• Cloth labels – So I can brand my junk!

Shit I would like:

• More business – I wanna be super busy! (And making money)
• A studio – My own space to spread my crap out and not have to upset anyone by having my shit everywhere.
• A work experience kid/trained helper monkey – To do all the junk I don’t like (e.g. listing stuff online, tidying up scraps, ironing fabric)
• An endless box of beading supplies and recycled fabric – for obvious reasons.
• The chance to do a stall at Big Day Out – I know it’s going to be a long, hot, uncomfortable, stressful day but I really want to do it! Way back in 2001 I bought a bag from a little store called maiocchi. I thought it was the coolest bag and since then have wanted to make cool shit to sell at BDO. Since 2001, maiocchi has turned into a bit of a Brisbane institution and has three retail stores! Obviously, there are no words to describe how much I’d like to follow a similar path.
• Branded tshirts – Sharnee did amazing design stuff for my shop and I’d love to have some shirts done professionally with my pretty branding all over it. You can pretty much bet I’d wear it all day, every day.
• My tattoo – It’s looking like I’m not going to afford it. I really wanted to get it started on my birthday but it’s looking like that won’t be the case. I probably could scrounge up the $$, but right now I want my business to work more so that needs the cizz-ash. Booooo, is this what being an adult feels like??

I think that’s it. I don’t want to be greedy and want a bunch of stuff, fundamentally I’d like to be able to pay my bills and grow my business., is that too much to ask??

I got an amazing button press on eBay the other week (thanks D’Olds!). It arrived today and it’s just fucking gross. All dusty and dirty. Surprisingly, that bit wasn’t mentioned in the listing. Also, some of the button components included are all tarnished and/or dented to shit and therefore are unusable. If I didn’t get it for such a good price (they listed it in the wrong category, and used an obscure title for the items so odds are no one could find it) I’d be pretty pissed. I know they weren’t happy that it went for such a low price, but you shouldn’t list expensive things at a low price unless you are willing to take the price if the worst case scenario was to happen and it’s not MY fault no one else bid. I didn’t hide their listing. It’s not a massive deal, but I would never let anything leave my house bound for someone else who paid for it in this condition. I even grew a set and emailed the seller telling her that it wasn’t as listed, not ok.

Much to do today – sorting out the fabric I got the other day, drafting a pattern for a kicky sun visor and making some coffee cozys. Ready? And break!

• I opened my store yesterday. It’s going well, slow and steady which is fine by me! No one likes peaking too soon!

• I realized when I was in bed last night that I have trouble sleeping if I don’t have Shawn with me. Who is Shawn? He’s a plush prawn I bought in NZ, the day after I found out Miss Jones wasn’t coming back. I bought it because it was cute and I love anything related to shellfish (and how often do you even see a toy prawn??). I fell asleep holding him the first night, and now I get twitchy if he’s not around. I never slept with toys when I was little but in Japan I had my cat pillow that I used to sleep with and now I have also added Shawn into the mix. I wonder how Miss Jones will feel knowing she’s been replaced by a plush crustacean?

• I am in maximum pain today. On Wednesday I went to the Chiro and found out my spine does some serious curving towards the left and my hips are all kinds of messed up, with the left one being turned out and just not good. She reckons it’s not a massive problem and she can work it all out so I end up being straight again (LOLZ!). Anyways, after a good cracking on Wednesday, a fitness test last night (epic fail, you can’t test fitness if it’s non-existent) and bootcamp this morning I am hurting something fierce. My hips are so sore, it’s insane.

• Let me relay a story from the other day. The bit you need to know is that Miss Jones does not brush her hair. I know, I don’t get it either, but she doesn’t and for some reason doesn’t end up looking like she has a bird’s nest on her head so clearly she’s a witch. Anyways, most weekends I used to straighten her hair for her and sometimes she’d even let me comb all the little knots out. Even though I hate long hair on me, I like playing with it. I used to do Jac’s hair sometimes which was fun but Miss Jones was my very own “My Model”. I was chatting to her the other night and she mentioned she was hungry. I told her if she was here I would make her food, which may not sound like much, but coming from me it’s on the same level as offering an donor organ. I asked if she came back, can I straighten her hair and she said yes and I can brush it. Yeah, that story probably blow unless you’re me or Miss Jones, but it was a big deal.

• Yeah, if you hadn’t guessed, I miss her a bit today. I think it’s because I hurt and therefore feel lame and want to hug someone I am used to hugging.

• I have been truly sucked in (no pun intended) to True Blood. I saw a couple of episodes of Season Two on Pay TV so I hired the first 3 discs of Season One. Now I’ve watched them all and I need more! Because I am cheap I’ll have to wait until next Tuesday to see more. Also, I realised it’s been a year since I’ve watched any episodes of The L Word I finished Season Four when I was visiting Japan last year and I’ve never actually had Season Five to watch yet, much less Season Six. I need to get onto this ASAP or they’ll cancel my lesbian membership. This is serious people.

• I want new hair. Tell me what to do! Sugestions/photos/links are welcome. Word of warning, if you put a bunch of links in the comments WordPress will most likely just send it to spam, so only a couple of links per comment just to be safe

Peeping Tomasina

Opening specials from 1st til 10th October. Freebies with all purchases and new stock being added often. You could not visit my shop, but are you prepared to live with that kind of crushing disappointment forever??

Go now!!