All Filler, No Killer
14 Oct
- I am so procrastinating right now. It’s not even really procrastination, I’ve realized it’s totally part of my self sabotage. The reason I don’t succeed at many things is because I don’t give myself a chance to. Right now, I’m convinced the business is going to fail. I’m not good enough at what I do to make this work, my products aren’t good enough, the people who buy from me are unhappy with their products – all that shit is running through my head right now. Just to top it off I’ve also added in a bit of “Miss Jones doesn’t want to be stuck with you, you are too unsuccessful for her, she wants someone younger and who is going places” as well as “You suck at bootcamp, you are the worst at everything and you’ll never get better at it”. When all those horrible things are playing on a news reel through your mind, it’s pretty hard to find the motivation to do any work, it all seems in vain. I understand that those things aren’t necessarily all true and that by thinking those things it has the potential to create a self fulfilling prophesy but I can’t shake it at the moment. I know it’s just a low period. I major in anxiety, but I also hold a minor in depression. The lows I experience aren’t super low, crushing ones, they are just like I feel right now. Unmotivated, uninspired, incredibly self-conscious and self critical and desperately keen to cut myself off from the world. Monday I couldn’t bring myself to go to bootcamp but I managed to show up yesterday and this morning. I couldn’t handle the chiro this afternoon so I canceled that. This weekend I have committed to go to one of those cosmetic type parties held by one of the girls at bootcamp. I don’t particularly care to go but I am going to make myself because I need to, basically. I’ve also been invited to show off the things I make at the party. This makes me incredibly nervous because it puts me in the position to be judged, but I need to do it.
- In other news, my hair is getting super long. I don’t trust myself to have it cut right now, because I feel so shit about myself I don’t think it would be as good as it could be, so I’m going to leave it for a little while. I don’t know whether to keep it short again or let it get a little longer. It’s long enough to put in wee ponytails now which is the longest it’s been since Japan!
- I have a job interview on Tuesday. I’m terrified and convinced I’m not going to get it despite the fact I’m wildly over qualified (kinda like employing a race car driver to chauffeur the model cars that drive around to a pre-determined track at Dreamworld). It’s right by my house and only a few hours a week so it would be ideal so I’m gonna try and be the shiny happy future employee they want. I may feel like shit but I’ve become quite skilled at acting fine.
- Queensland is HOT. We’ve had pretty well no spring this year, winter kind of finshed and went straight into summer. I feel quite cheated, I adore spring! Spring means “birthday!!” but now it’s already so hot it feels like late December. Fail, Queensland Weather, fail.
- I’ll admit something that makes me a creep, so I want you to do the same in the comments (or else!). I love Christmas time at the shops, I love the shitty, garish decorations being put up, I love the magic of it all. Last year it didn’t feel like Christmas because I was alone, it was cold and I was in Japan and they just do things different over there. Anyways, the best thing about Christmas stuff coming to shops? Tinsel. Specifically the smell of tinsel. That smell of foil makes me giddy with excitement. It reminds me of when I was little. For the record, the long fringe-y tinsel smells better than the traditional bushy, ropes of tinsel. The benefit of the long fringe is that you can stroke it and stuff. On one or more occasions I may have bought a packet of that tinsel just to play with…
The first dot is my life. I’ve got easel set up and I’m too scared to start painting. Because I will inevitably suck. How can we remedy this? Let me know if you findanything that works. xx
I also love Christmas inordinate amounts. I am addicted to gift wrap! I have to get the prettiest, best, shiniest one and all of my gifts must be wrapped. None of the gift bags for me. Or if I do use one, the gift inside will be nicely wrapped up.
Also, you don’t suck!!!! It probably doesn’t help you at all to be told that, because I know what it’s like to convince yourself otherwise (I am just like you in regards to my looks, I convince myself on a daily basis I shouldn’t even leave the house cause I’m so gross. Not that you do that but… that’s where my confidence issues lie)
Anyway. Back to my point. IF your shop sucked, which it doesn’t, then I would not have bought anything from it, and if your product sucked, which they do not, I would not be wearing it right now and I would not have placed any custom orders with you … look at it logically!! Suckage does not equal custom orders. It just doesn’t.
I would share something that makes me creep, but I don’t understand your use of the word, sorry!
Also, I know you realise that the negative things you think about yourself aren’t true — but I’ve found an effective way to counteract those sorts of feelings are to seperate ‘behaviour’ from ‘identity’. What you do or how you behave does not equal who you are. The map is not the territory. Does any of that make sense?
Finally, it made me smile that Christmas in Japan didn’t feel right to you because it was cold — I’ve never known anything else…
JT, Don’t know if it works or not, but I just do it. The first bits will inevitably suck but then the flow comes.
Miranda, I am so a fan of wrapping inside a gift bag, I thought I was the only one who was that pedantic
Thank you for the lovely words!
Jay, creep/creeper just like something weird and potentially dodgy (I.e. morally upstanding folk don’t sniff tinsel
Also, sorry to tell you but you Northern Hemispherians have been doing it wrong all this time, Christmas is about swimming and BBQs and being terribly hot. See if you can get on and do it properly this year 
Totally agree with Miranda about the gift wrap. Gift bags are for wine bottles only.
I also like for all the presents I hand out to be wrapped in matching paper.
Yes!!!! Nothing is more satisfying than a Christmas tree surrounded by presents carefully wrapped in two to three types of gift wrap, all of which compliment each other perfectly…
I think Christmas is 95% more fun if you’re borderline OCD.