Somewhere, something incredible is waiting to be known

As part of my onwarding and upwarding, I’m gonna do a big list of all the negative crap I used to carry around. Joycelle has sent my Aura-Soma bottle and it should arrive tomorrrow, so I’m gonna dump all this bullshit now so it’s gone and I am ready to become awesome. (Can I also just say how awesome Joycelle is? She doesn’t pay me to gush about her, I don’t sent her huge amounts of money every week with the promise that she will fix me or cure me. I just really respect what she does and value her insight and think it will help me get where I want to be. She’s just like a friend, except with some super cool skills and knowledge!) This has the potential to get a little bit D&M, so if you’re not in the mood, tune in tomorrow for the post about the shiny,happy version of my ideal existence!

So, here’s the junk I used to do/feel/think:

In the past I used to feel worthless. I used to work in jobs that I didn’t like and that didn’t make me feel good or happy or that I was good at what I was doing. I used to let these sorts of thing take away my self confidence and feelings of being a worthwhile person. I used to be afraid of what people thought about me, because of past experiences. I used to be terrified that even my best friends secretly didn’t like me or would laugh at me behind my back. I used to be terrified that I would have no friends and be left all alone. I used to do things I didn’t want to do for the sake of pleasing other people. I used to believe that I would always be single and never meet anyone else who’d want to be with me. I used to believe that I wasn’t worth coming back for and that I was easy to walk away from. I thought that I was nothing special and easily replaced. I used to think that the actions of some people were a reflection of the value they put on me, because I was enough to motivate people to do negative things and I deserved these things. I used to let mean things that other people said affect me and make me feel bad. I used to believe that no one would ever have a crush on me, or want to do lovely things for me or spend their life with me because I just wasn’t worth all that time and effort.

I used to not look after myself properly. I used to mismanage my time, I used to eat badly and not sleep properly. I used to believe I didn’t deserve to have nice things or to be successful or fulfilled because I wasn’t worth it. I used to self-sabotage constantly so that I was constantly filled with extreme doubt and anxiety.  I used to let myself get so worried I’d be physically ill and not think that I deserved to feel any other way. I used to let my mind convince me that depression was ok because I didn’t have any reasons to be happy anyways. I used to think that I’d never achieve my dreams because I was too disorganized, unmotivated and unintelligent to make it happen. I used to think that I’d never be successful because I just wasn’t the right sort of person to achieve success. I used to be intimated by lots of people but I felt so low in comparison to them.

First Shiny: I ordered my Aura-Soma bottle today. Massively excited. Mostly just to see it, it’s just so beautiful and then it becomes magenta when the colors mix, so even more awesome. How can putting such beautifully colored stuff on you not be great for you? I expect to be richer, happier and more attractive in a matter of weeks

Second Shiny: I have a new barbel through one of my no-no places. Not in the lady garden region, I don’t want needles around there, thank you. One of the no-no places that boys have too, but girls are just less often seen showing them off in public. Why? Well, why not mostly. It looks awesome and seeing as I’m not getting any of that moment, an ideal time to have it all healing up. The lady who did it was very nice and good at distraction which I enjoy, but it hurt like a motherfucker. I felt the needle go in, the tube, the tube being trimmed, then the bar being threaded and the end screwed on. It wasn’t like unbearable or anything, but it wasn’t like a kitten sneezing. But having someone manhandle your boobage is rarely gentle, right? I only got one done to kick off with. I figure if I was horribly allergic or some other random affliction occurred, I’ve still got one nice one left. It’s not swollen, it’s not red or bloody or angry looking. It moved without sticking in the shower and didn’t sting when I cleaned it, I predict no trouble as previously piercings that have been trouble were angry from the get go. I did get a 50% off card so the second one is tempting. I’ll give this one a few weeks to sort itself out then I’ll set my sights on the other. It looks awesome, if I do say so myself. I would post pictures but I don’t really want pics of my rack circulating on the internet at large. If I could find some way of doing a private gallery or something, I’d consider it, but is that kinda creepy? Does anyone even want to see such things? There is no chance I’m just gonna link randoms, but if I know you then it’s cool, I anticipate showing interested parties in person so it’s not like ultra weird, right? Ahhhh, the great boobie pic debate of 2009.

In un-shiny news, I saw A Christmas Carol 3D today. It was so fucking odd, I imagine it would make more sense if you were really high or similarly altered. It’s also rather terrifying and there is absolutely no chance I’d be taking a child to see it. I do like 3D movies though, they advertised a Toy Story 1 & 2 double feature in 3d, I’ve never seen number 2 so it would be several kinds of fantastic. The over-inflated BCC movie price for 3D films were justified by the 3D previews, but only just. There is also no chance I’m recycling my 3D glasses either, bitches, not when I had to pay for them in the first place.

I’m clawing my way out of the rut, little baby steps in the right direction.

I’ve decided to try some Aura-Soma with Joycelle (my all round go-to-gal). A while ago during a reading she had me pick some bottles, one of the ones I picked was like an indication that “your heart is still too overwhelmed by lack of true love to be open to receive direction yet”. This is totally spot on, unrequited love was also mentioned and everyone knows if there is one thing I excel at, it’s loving someone who can’t or won’t or just doesn’t love me back. I’m still bogged down in it. I’m not in love with Miss Jones anymore, I had to stop that when she moved overseas for my own sanity. There were a couple of revelations this weekend (let’s say) which would have absolutely destroyed me if I hadn’t done this, so I’m really glad I did but I still love her. I still need more distance from her, I need to try and believe I can meet someone else and be happy with someone else and I think this might help with that. It’s also related to a heap of other things, and my massive need to search out things or people or relationships to make me happy and feeling worthwhile because I can’t do it for myself.

I know it’s not for everyone and some people see it as a very expensive bottle of oil but I’m open minded and if nothing else it’s a really, really beautiful bottle of amazingly prettily colored oil, so that alone works for me. I was skeptical about crystals until they gave me a massive migraine and sucked all my energy because I was wearing too many and the wrong combination of them, so I am happy to see what happens with this.

In other news, I applied to uni next year. My grand plan is to be offered a place in the dual degree program, then if I get my market running properly, I could do one each weekend and then I could afford to not have to work during the week. Unless I have a whole day free the Magic Shop wouldn’t really work anymore because there is no real way that half day shifts would work. I actually love doing markets, I had such fun at the one I did earlier this month. I was much less terrified than I expected to be and I actually did pretty well considering the minute turn out. I imagine in an actual market setting I could do even better, it was exciting.

I first started blogging in April of 2006. Seeing as it’s now November in 2009, that is about three and a half years of blogging. For a while there I was a post-a-day blogger so it really adds up to be mind boggling amount of my life that has been plastered over the internet.

The blogsphere has changed to much in that time. All of the bloggers who were around when I first started have almost all dropped off the radar. Many of the bloggers I used to read (or still do read) are no longer anonymous writers but are people I count as some of my closest friends. I’ve been published in a book, referenced in assignments, and told you the stories of my day to day life, however insignifcant or mundane.

For the last couple of weeks I was seriously considering walking away from this. Surely, at 26, now I should be doing something more worthwhile. No one will want to read my shit anymore, right? This morning when I logged into WordPress for the first time in weeks, and checked my stats for the first time in many months, I was surprised to see my hits. I get between 50 -70 hits a day. I know for most bloggers that number would hardly be an incentive to open their laptops, but that number blows me away. I’ve had my glory days of a couple hundred hits a day but I truly believed that no one aside fom Jac (whom I speak to at least every couple of days) and Miss Jones (whom I don’t catch online often) checked the blog anymore.

I think in the last few months I have been sliding into a rut. I thought I had sorted it all out a couple weeks ago but that was hugely premature.  Nothing is massively wrong, but nothing is right either. After a great first couple of weeks, I’ve let my store go to shit, I gave up bootcamp because it was making me unhappy but haven’t replaced it with anything else yet, I’ve been wasting a massive amount of time online because it seemed far too difficult to do anything worthwhile.

I’m gonna apply for uni next year. Back as an undergraduate to do creative industries majoring in fashion with a minor in creative and professional writing. Might also combine it with a Bachelor of Business. It will be useful for my business to do these things, and I’ve just always wanted to, so why not, right? I’m gonna get my business back on track and start creating again. Not making stuff makes me fee bad, and when I feel bad I can’t create things but I’m just gonna start off and make some shit stuff until I get my flow back. Gonna sort out what I am eating too. I have become super lazy and I’m not eating well or properly and it makes me feel like shit and when I feel like shit I don’t want to be bothered to do anything. If I eat lots of carbs or dairy my tummy bloats and I feel ugly so that doesn’t help anything either. I’m just kind of stuck in a cycle of feeling bad, doing things that don’t make me feel any better because I can’t be bothered to do anything else and thus feeling worse.

So yeah, I’m just gonna get back on track. I know shit won’t sort itself in a week, but one foot in front of the other in the right direction is better than doing nothing. Not sure what the point of this post was really? I suppose it was just a check in, for me and anyone else who checks by here. I know stuff has been shit, it’s also been shit off the blog as well so it’s not just this that has suffered, but I’m trying to get stuff back on track.

Bear with me.

• This is the FOURTH birthday I’ve spent with my blog! It’s far and away my most long term relationship. Who would have thought in 2006 I’d still be plugging away? Certainly not me!

• So, yes, birthday. Kind of a massive non-event. Spent some time on FB, playing Solitaire and occasionally doing some actual work at the Magic Shop. I lost power for an hour or so in the morning, so I sat at the counter and read a magazine. Tough life, right?

• I am so fucking tired, so I’ll give you the highlights and elaborate in the next couple of days. 1) Did a market, it was tiny but good. I’m inspired to do a proper one now. 2) Tattoos this week, EEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeeeeeee 3) Party this week, double EEEEeeeeeeeeeeeeee 4) Earning money is great 5) I am busy!