In the past…

As part of my onwarding and upwarding, I’m gonna do a big list of all the negative crap I used to carry around. Joycelle has sent my Aura-Soma bottle and it should arrive tomorrrow, so I’m gonna dump all this bullshit now so it’s gone and I am ready to become awesome. (Can I also just say how awesome Joycelle is? She doesn’t pay me to gush about her, I don’t sent her huge amounts of money every week with the promise that she will fix me or cure me. I just really respect what she does and value her insight and think it will help me get where I want to be. She’s just like a friend, except with some super cool skills and knowledge!) This has the potential to get a little bit D&M, so if you’re not in the mood, tune in tomorrow for the post about the shiny,happy version of my ideal existence!

So, here’s the junk I used to do/feel/think:

In the past I used to feel worthless. I used to work in jobs that I didn’t like and that didn’t make me feel good or happy or that I was good at what I was doing. I used to let these sorts of thing take away my self confidence and feelings of being a worthwhile person. I used to be afraid of what people thought about me, because of past experiences. I used to be terrified that even my best friends secretly didn’t like me or would laugh at me behind my back. I used to be terrified that I would have no friends and be left all alone. I used to do things I didn’t want to do for the sake of pleasing other people. I used to believe that I would always be single and never meet anyone else who’d want to be with me. I used to believe that I wasn’t worth coming back for and that I was easy to walk away from. I thought that I was nothing special and easily replaced. I used to think that the actions of some people were a reflection of the value they put on me, because I was enough to motivate people to do negative things and I deserved these things. I used to let mean things that other people said affect me and make me feel bad. I used to believe that no one would ever have a crush on me, or want to do lovely things for me or spend their life with me because I just wasn’t worth all that time and effort.

I used to not look after myself properly. I used to mismanage my time, I used to eat badly and not sleep properly. I used to believe I didn’t deserve to have nice things or to be successful or fulfilled because I wasn’t worth it. I used to self-sabotage constantly so that I was constantly filled with extreme doubt and anxiety.  I used to let myself get so worried I’d be physically ill and not think that I deserved to feel any other way. I used to let my mind convince me that depression was ok because I didn’t have any reasons to be happy anyways. I used to think that I’d never achieve my dreams because I was too disorganized, unmotivated and unintelligent to make it happen. I used to think that I’d never be successful because I just wasn’t the right sort of person to achieve success. I used to be intimated by lots of people but I felt so low in comparison to them.