All Filler, No Killer
May 24, 2009
- I have an egg on my head. The house Miss Jones lives in is the result of some questionable choices in architecture, let’s say, so her front door is underneath the back stairs. Despite having come and gone from this very door more times than I can count, when I went out to check on the stuff in the dryer last night and turned around to ask where the light switch was I managed to bash my head on the bottom of the staircase. It hurt, it’s right on the edge of the crown of my head. I haven’t managed to injure my head for ages (a small miracle, considering my complete and total lack of any body/spatial awareness) and I forgot how much it sucks.
- Yesterday Miss Jones and I went to see Yo Gabba Gabba, indeed it is a children’s show but I like it. Miss Jones is
far too good to me and agreed to come, even without any begging on my part, and for that I am forever greatful. I’d heard that Patience from The Grates might be the special guest but had no way of knowing for sure, but I was happy enough just to go for Muno. As we were walking through the foyer to go and sit, I walked past her! I managed to play it very cool (by hissing to Miss Jones “Holy FUCK, It’s Patience!!”) and then attempted to hang over the upper level to see if I could see her some more, but we couldn’t. After the encore she came out with Alana and they taught the “Roo Bop” which was a little dance. I want her jacket so fucking much, it was a birthday present from Alana (*cough* stalker much? *cough*). So, Patience in person? She’s really, really tiny and really, really blonde but she just has excitement bubbling out of her. I kinda wish I grew a set and actually said hi and got a photo but what can you do? So much better to have walked past and flipped out to Miss Jones (who already knows I am lame) than to try and speak to her and come off as a truly insane person. Alana looked really cute, I love her top as well (and would actually wear it), this is a picture from The Grates tour blog of Patience and Alana on stage on Saturday. Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
- Pay week this week. I actually can’t find words to talk about this because it just inspires me to scream with glee. I am a touch excited about it, to say the very least.
- I ordered a pizza from….Pizza Shak, let’s call it…. this evening. It literally looked like they had put the dough and the ingredients into the pizza box, shaken it vigorously and thrown in into the oven for a few minutes. When I opened the box half of the pizza topping had slid off and was stuck to the side of the box and it was kinda watery and feral. I am officially over pizza, this made the decision very easy.
- I sincerley hope this week isn’t as rainy as last week. Having to keep 24 four year olds in one room all day is just unnecessarily painful. They get bored and I don’t blame them, but when they get bored they just get into everything so the room looks like a tip and they start arguing with each other and they start whining and crying and it’s just hugely stressful for everyone. It’s so much better for everyone when they can get a bit of a run in and burn off some of the crazy.
- I had a dream I got two more tattoos, another one of playing cards near my salt shaker and then some swirls and stars on the inside of my left thigh. The thigh one faded out heaps and looked really shitty and the one near my salt because it ruined it. I was so angry at myself for not putting thought into what I was getting or where I was getting them. I wasn’t planning on either such tattoo or going back to the place that did them in the dream, but I am very sure now!
Rain, rain, go away…
May 20, 2009
Whoever decided I could start a new job with kids, then start up with torrential rain and force them inside for every moment of every day is just a dickface, can I just say. Anyone who can spend eight or so hours in one room with 24 four year olds who are so bored they hurt surely deserves a medal or large cash bonus.
So far, it’s all been alright. The kids are pretty well ok, I have established my favourites and…less-favourites and there have been no major dramas. One vom, a couple of cries, no blood, no rabid parents and no general emergency situations, as far as I’m concerned that’s a win.
I get my first pay next Wednesday which means there is just one more week of crying myself to sleep in a burst of uncontained glee at the thought of being able to support myself like a functioning adult person again. I think I’ve already spent it eight time over in my mind, but in reality I don’t know if I’ll blow through it, I think I might need to wait to be paid again so it sinks in that the big money will occur fortnightly just so long as I kep turning up, so, win.
It’s unrelated, but you might remember the licking game I mentioned that Miss Jones and I play? Well, we still play that game but its now evolved to more along the lines of what could be considered violent sexual assult, should it not be done consentually. It basically involves visciously grabbing at your oppontents crotch and/or chest when they least suspect it so the experience quickly becomes an all-girl pile of thrashing arms and legs while squealing and laughing ensues. It’s a funny game, try it some time*
*Try it with someone who consents to you touching their no-no place at that particular moment. Attempting this game in places such as the office may result in some strained professional relationships – not everyone enjoys a vadge grab, kids.
** Star this in your readers, kids. Shortest post ever!
First Day
May 15, 2009
In the spirit of diving into the deep end, I started work today. I accepted the job on Tuesday, had two days to get my shit together and then started today. I am teaching pre-prep, there was a previous teacher but there was some serious family illness so she resigned a couple of weeks ago and they’ve had a relief teacher since then. As far as I can tell, things have been kind of patchy since the start of the year. The kids are totally lacking in terms of a portfolio containing observations, work samples of anything that might provide some evidence that they’ve even been coming, let alone that they’ve actually learned something.
So, some points?
- I have a set of identical twin boys. I have previously worked with a set of identical twin boys, however my boys don’t have their own language so this makes things a little easier. Identical twin boys are proof the Universe has a sense of humor, creating two little people who look exactly alike (and having their parents dress them identically) who are also the children whose names you most need to be able to shout across a room to stop them doing something gross/dangerous/silly is just proof that someone, somewhere is having a good laugh. These boys can be told apart by a single freckle…that is covered by their hair 85% of the time.
- My room contains lots of random furniture. Previous teachers have come, brought in some bits and pieces and then left, meaning my room is a bit of a tip. My aim for next week is to just get all the excess crap out and use the space better than it is currently being used. I moved some stuff around today, it’s better already.
- When I was outside this afternoon I was playing with a couple of the kindy boys while they were climbing on the obstacle course. They were sliding down some wooden planks and one of them purposefully tumbled off and the other one got knocked and fell off (not a big fall) but in the process face planted into my calf and subsequently snotted all over the leg of my pants. Tasty. It was my first reminder of just how lovely working with children can be. His nose had a little bleed (I’d guess more from getting rid of all the crusty nose business he’d been sporting all day than the fall) and he was fine but later on he was pushing a barrow around and got smashed into by one of the other kids riding a tiny bike and properly face planted into the astro turf giving himself a proper bloody nose and a fat lip. Poor little sausage. He has a little cry then went on his merry way however he was recaptured often as his nose hadn’t quite stopped bleeding and a three year old running full speed around a playground is not the best way to soothe a sore nose.
- I have a lot of non-sleepers. I am going to bring in bed baggies. I’ve seen these work marvelously because useless you sleep or do the next best thing, you don’t get to play with a little bag of toys on your bed for the last 15 minutes of rest time. Not having a bag of toys when other people have them is about the worst thing that can happen to a four year old, so it becomes quite a powerful motivator to toe the line and actually just rest quietly for a while rather than do everything in your power to be distracting.
- Teachers do not have to open or close the centre, the assistants are the ones who do all the opening and closing stuff. The children are fed at school and my (boy) assistant sets up all the meals, serves them, tidies up and takes away the food trolley. It’s all kinds of fabulous, not that I mind doing that stuff, but yay for not having to!
- I’ve decided to buy a mini laptop for school. There is no way on God’s green earth that my Mac will come within striking distance of my classroom or a five year old, so I want a cheapie laptop to do school junk on and if it cops a water bottle spill or a hefty knock then I won’t have to end my life. Because it will be used for school stuff I can also class it as a tax decduction.
- I am really tired now, it wasn’t a very big day really but spending a whole day being productive and not sitting on the couch listening to my ass widen has taken it out of me. I’m seriously considering Lite n Easy or something to that effect – 90% so I never need to make myself lunch and 10% because I am developing too much muffin around my top. I fucking hate cooking, like I hate it with the firiest of passions, I hate most everything about meal preparation and I loathe lunch. The idea of going to someone who will give me a whole bunch of pre-packed food, or having that shit delivered makes my heart sing. I don’t even care what I eat, just so long as I played no part in its preparation so I don’t even care if the food is shitty, any food is good food and if it helps my hips become less childbearing and more snakelike, all the bettter. Plus, I can totally afford shit like that now, so, why not?
Tomorrow, Miss Jones and I have a big night of face masks and drinking planned. Sitting around at hers in our PJs doing all sorts of ugly beauty stuff (hair masques, manicures, etc), drinking and watching The L Word. I think it’s safe to say that we’ve reached that place where it’s ok to be “ugly” in front of the other. She’s seen the architectural wonder of my morning hair, witnessed my fat pants and we have started introducing more kissing before the daily morning rush to the bathroom to de-fuzz the teeth before even so much as making eye contact with the other party. I am so pumped for a big evening of nothing it is exactly what I feel like doing and Miss Jones has had a massive day today so I suspect she is also ready for a quiet one. Double yay.
All Filler, No Killer
May 14, 2009
- I accepted a position. Shiny Place called and offered me the job on Tuesday morning, and after a fair bit of deliberation, I took it. It came down to the fact that it was possible I wouldn’t get Earthy Place, and I’d be passing up a pretty decent second option by turning down Shiny Place. The money is pretty great compared to Earthy Place and I also get my own class. My own preschoolers! It’s super well resourced and has great facilities so it’s hardly a shitty place, it’s just not the same as Earthy Place. Either way, I am pleased with my decision. I am really looking forward to having my own kids to work with, and I start Friday so the cash should be flowing momentarily.
- Miss Jones is not sleeping well and it troubles me. Is there anything worse than not sleeping when you know you need to be asleep? It always happens on Wednesday nights, when she has to work on Thursday morning. I’ve tried back rubs and hair patting in various different ways and none of it really works. I can put an entire room of preschoolers to sleep in 40 minutes but I cannot make Miss Jones sleep. I think she is gonan try some over the counter sleeping aides, I know that kind of stuff is not great but not sleeping has to be far worse. We are also gonna try flotation tanks in the near future. There is a floating place to too far from her house so I suggested we go floating, a forty minute float is meant to be similar to a night’s sleep and when if some extra resting ever a bad thing?
- Good heavens, it’s chilly! I haven’t had enough of summer yet! I only had 5 official days of summer back in Oz when I arrived, and while autumn was hardly cold it still hasn’t been quite enough for me. I am so looking forward to next summer, we can just go ahead and skip this whole winter deal.
- Miss Jones is looking to head OS around September. My curse isn’t broken, it seems but there is a light at the end of this tunnel…she’s planning on coming back! Being a dual citizen (bitch!!) means she is planning on going to the UK and pissing around and doing some work for a couple of months. Obviously, I’d never try and sway someone away from doing the whole “OS alone” deal but obviously there is a part of me who’d rather have her right here with me instead. It will be alright though, if it’s meant to be it will be. I suppose in the couple of months we’ve been together we’ve already done the major life change (my moving back to Oz, Masters, quitting study to work full time) and the near death experience (her motorbike accident) so I think we’ve done ok. I’m alright to sit here for a few months and twiddle my thumbs waiting for her to come back to our sunny shores. I’ve been single for years so a few months back to being on my own is hardly a concern for me. I will obviously miss her in the worst way, especially considering I get a little antsy after a couple of nights apart but she’s worth the wait, it’s that simple.
- Petals, I now have a favor to ask. Please share with me your most favorite memories of school, in terms of classroom set up or activities you did or whatever. I need to sort out all the stuff like a birthday chart and my own routines for the class, so I am calling for all your favorite ideas. I am thinking of bed bags (little bags of toys that keep the kids on their beds and quietly playing while the other still sleep), maybe a classroom fish or cool ant farm, maybe a lava lamp or a ceiling projector for sleep time or something. I’m also crossing my fingers for a laptop, the centre seems to be all into technology and being cutting edge so I reckon it means they could spring for a laptop for me
Whoring Around
May 11, 2009
I totally feel like a hussy at the moment, going around to kindergartens and childcare centres with my portfolio trying to sell myself to them.
Today I had two interviews, I did have three but I cancelled one of them because it was just too far away and I know that I wouldn’t be bothered to drive that far every day. The two places today couldn’t really be more different, so, for the sake of the discussion let’s call them Earthy Place and Shiny Place.
Earthy Place – A shining beacon of goodness in the world of early childhood education. Truly child centered, truly emergent, it offers a natural, stimulating environment, the staff seem awesome (and have all degrees of piercings, tattoos and dreadlocks), it supplies veggie meals for the kids and is not for profit, so everyone there is actually in it for the kids. Kinda far from my house but in an area I love!
Shiny Place – A generic, cookie cutter place. Super new, clean and sterile. Kids are allowed a fair degree of freedom but are packed with outside the classroom activities like dance, piano, computers and there is an emphasis on “school readiness” (e.g. writing with pencils, sitting on the floor nicely, following instructions). Didn’t really see other staff, pretty close to my house, fairly strict staff uniform (as far as I could tell).
My dilemma is as follows – do I take a shit kicker role at Earthy Place because it’s an excellent centre and get paid less for the sake of my morals or do I take a teaching role at Shiny Place and sell a little piece of my soul along with it? I’ve not been offered either yet, so it’s purely hypothetical but it’s still worth considering. At the moment, I am leaning towards Earthy Place. They money isn’t a huge concern of mine, not having had any income since being home means that any money is good money at this point but I am worried that by doing this shit kicker role that in the future it might make me look incompetant because I haven’t been teaching. Of course, my plan is to get into the place and then swoop on any of the teaching positions should anyone decide to move on but there is no guarantees anyone will be changing jobs, so it’s all up in the air. Also, there is no staff uniform or dress code and today I met the staff wearing all manner of things with various (numerous) visible piercings and tattoos so I’d never have to worry about my tattoos (and could easily get more!) but on the other hand, these places are incredibly rare so I fear getting spoiled by such liberal standards and will resent having to “conform” next time around.
Shiny Place offers better money but I know it will just be a job, one of those places you turn up every day, do your thing and leave. They seem to be looking for someone with half a brain and a heart beat and don’t particularly care who you are or what you do, just so long as you don’t rock the boat. I don’t have a problem with this, but it kinda feels like my school in Japan and I’d like to feel just a little like it actually matters who I am and what I do, and I’m not just there because I can inhale and expel air.
What do you think? Thoughts and feelings?? Better to take a job that pays well and just deal with the fact you are merely a cog in the big machine or take a job that won’t pay as well but that you get a degree of personal satisfaction from, despite the fact it may not be recognised in the future? Discuss!
P.S. Three nights without Miss Jones comes to an end tonight! I am so excited to see her. I will also feel much less confused once I’ve told her about all this, even if she doesn’t say anything I just need to vent to her. Plus, no sleeping alone = tops!!
If I had a million dollars…
May 8, 2009
Since Mr. KRudd won’t stimulate me, I am just going to show you how I would spent the money – if I was gonna get any. Imaginary shopping is a favorite pass time of mine, I often browse online shopping sites, carefully choosing items, selecting the right size, figuring out the shipping charges….and then closing the window. Seeing as my bank balance is not far off being a single digit I cannot afford to be shopping online but it’s still fun.
So, let’s spend $900!
** Dr Martens – Calista Pump $190 – UK8.
I have seen these in person at a shoe store in West End but they only had one tiny size left. I have a long-held love affair of Dr Martens – In high school I lived in a pair of Dr Marten sandals, they weighed almost 2kg each but they were amazingly comfortable and gave me fantastic calf muscles. I wore them so much they got juicy and I eventually had to dice them – in the interest of public health and safety. I want to wear more heels and I know these ones would be sturdy as, and stupidly comfortable and I love the style. I am a fan of the chunky heel and the black/white would just go with everything. WANT!
** Sportsgirl – A bunch of stuff – $150.
There is so much cool stuff in store at the moment. Lots of slouchy junk and a bunch of greys/blacks which is my preferred palette, very tops.
** Urban Originals – Bag – $60
Magic Escapes – Black Swallows- Reduced to $60! I want a new handbag and this one is super cute and black and brown so it can’t clash with anything. It is a good size so it will hold all my shit which is something I value in a handbag.
** Where The Wild Things Are tattoo – approx $150
I saw a picture of a girl with this picture of Max tattooed on her collarbone and I have just been obsessing over it ever since. It was just the perfect tattoo. I have loved Where The Wild Things Are for ages, it’s a fantastic book and Maurice Sendak’s illustrations just make the book what it is. There is lots of renewed hype about it lately because of the movie that is coming out soon but it would be one of the 3 books that I would get a tattoo inspired by (the others: “The Lost Thing” by Shaun Tan and “48 Shades of Brown” by Nick Earls). AS much as I’d love a tattoo on my collarbone, I have little doubt that The Olds would kick me in the throat if I came home with one, so the placement might require a little more pondering, but it’s definately my next piece. I love children’s literature so what better way to celebrate that than with a picture on me forevs?
** 30 Rock – Season 2 – $25 (JB Hi Fi)
I have the first season and need the second season or my life may not continue.
** The L Word Seasons 1 -3 $154 Set The L Word Season 4 $30 The L Word Season 5 $55
All lesbian, all of the time. I’ve not seen the fifth season so it’s most important that I see it immediately, but I’d also like the other seasons even though I’ve seen them because when is having Kate Moennig on tap ever a bad thing??
** Dinner/Drinks – $80
While wearing all my new clothes and new bag and stuff, I could take Miss Jones to dinner and/or drinks before we go home and have an L Word marathon. Woooo!
I think if I actually had the money though, I probably couldn’t bring myself to spend it like this. Having lacked income for a couple months now I imagine it would be spent on bills and attempting to repay D’Olds in some small way for all the nice things they have done and not buying $200 shoes – but it’s fun to pretend!! Maybe once I start work I can buy $200 without being wracked by guilt over such unnecessary purchases.
On the work front, things are going well. I had an interview for a job that I was consequently offered, but it was not someplace I would like to work. It was actually a lot like the place in Japan – desperate for a teacher, disorganised, under resourced and had just had a mass staff walk-out so I decided to let that opportunity slide and keep interviewing. I have another interview Monday morning, another interview that isn’t booked yet for the place I really want to work and I’ve applied for a few more places too. We’ll see!
Black Dog
May 5, 2009
My week for fairly sketchy brain candy taking has caught up with me. I am in a world class funk right now, I really want to crawl into bed for the rest of the week but I am fighting the urge. What was the straw that broke the camel’s back?
Not getting stimulated.
Yep, while most Aussies are enjoying their free handouts I found out I don’t get it…because I earned too little in the last tax year. It could be argued that I could most use $900, but I’m trying not to dwell. I was so looking forward to my money – it would allow me to be a functional adult for a while without relying on The Olds. I am applying and interviewing for jobs at the moment and all, but I just wanted money.
I am hoping after a couple days of regular taking of brain candy and some decent sleep it will fade but now I just feel really low. I had a job interview today, got to see Miss Jones, ate yummy food but finding out I don’t get any money ruined all of that. I hate these kind of moods, I have no reason to feel so shit but I do. The whole quitting uni thing also doesn’t help improve things, it just flows nicely into the “I quit uni and now I am useless and poor and destined to be a waste of skin forever” pool that I draw from to fuel my pity parties.
Onwards and upwards, hopefully.
All Filler, No Killer
May 4, 2009
- I got home from a two day sleepover at Miss Jones’s. It’s far more epic than it sounds, I’ve never done a two day sleepover and at no point over the weekend was I consumed by the urge to glass her. It’s tops! Everyone shits me after a while and she does! We didn’t really do anything exciting, played happy families and cleaned and cooked then watching all three High School Musicals. Oh yes, I party like a rock star. I spent my night before a public holiday sitting with my gf and our friends eating brownies and candy and loading the High School Musical franchise full of dirty sexual innuendo. Seriously, HSM3 is so close to being gay porn you can almost taste it.
- Miss Jones. She is tops. Really, just really awesome. She makes me so happy and I love doing nothing with her. This weekend we sat down to watch Mean Girls and fell asleep on each other and even that was great. Hook, line and sinker? That would be me.
- The Olds bought a big, new LCD TV and surround sound thingy on the weekend and I was responsible for setting it all up. I dreaded it all weekend, especially when D’Mummy called me this morning to see when I’d be home, just as I was convincing Miss Jones I should really go soon because D’Olds will start hounding me soon. However, in a wonderful twist of fate it took us longer to build the new TV cabinet than it did for me to connect the new TV and junk. I was so sure I wouldn’t be able to do it and we’d need to call a technician out to do the setting up stuff, but clearly the TV Gods smiled on me today, and thank fuck for that.
- I have two job interviews already organized and a few more jobs I’ve applied for close at the end of this week so I anticipate getting some more interviews calls this week. With any luck I will be working soon but if I learned anything from Japan it’s not to accept the first thing I’m offered so I’m gonna do crazy stuff like consider offers and wait a little bit before taking anything. As much as I want to get paid, I also want a job I actually like so I’m gonna try hard and be an adult about stuff.
- D-Day is this Thursday, “D” being dentist. As much as I don’t want to have a tooth out I just really want to have this all fixed up and finished with. D’Mummy is having Thursday off and then on Friday I might go see Miss Jones so she can fawn over me and make me feel better. After Thursday I’ll only have 2 fillings left to have done and my mouth will be back to being pristine.
- Finally, prompted by Miss Jones telling me I was being tricked into getting naked, has anyone else had to take off their bra for a jaw x-ray? Last time I had my wisdom teeth x-rays done, they made my undress on the top half and wear a gown for the x-ray. It seemed weird, considering where they were x-raying but I figured it was just one of those crazy medical things. Anyone else??
You got to know when to hold ‘em, know when to fold ‘em…
April 27, 2009
- And on that note, I am walking away… from my masters, that is. Yes, I do love what I study but I can’t do it anymore. I am just over being poor, both in terms of time and money. I am almost certain I am cultivating the start of a stomach ulcer, I sleep badly, my skin is terrible and my eating is going to shit. It’s not worth it. There is basically no jobs for me when I graduate so I will have to do classroom teaching for a few years to get some worthwhile experience under my belt and then hope to fall into something that I could use my masters in. Basically by working full time I will have more free time than I do at the moment, a buttload more money and I will be able to establish a routine and plan stuff and just have some certainty. I actually really miss working with kids as well, I love working with them so it will please me to be able to chill with the wee ones again – not to mention get paid for it! Last night I had a dream that someone (not sure who it was, someone like a teacher-person) was trying to convince me to stay and finish my masters and telling me how I did so well and I was arguing, telling them that I was actually barely passing and that it’s not a bad thing at all to not do it right now and come back to it in a few years. I found out my marks for one of my latest assignments today and I just barely passed. Creepy, right?
- Jac has been and gone again. Despite not having seen her for like eight months, it was just like I saw her last weekend. We talked shit, pissed about and ate. Nothing has changed. I got to do the Miss Jones/Jac introduction and the way they got along could best be described as “house on fire” type stuff. I didn’t really doubt it would be like that, they are both just awesome, chilled, super fun girls so it’s pretty rare people like that wouldn’t get along. Jac is really happy teaching and loving life at the moment which makes me very, very happy.
- Miss Jones had her birthday last night. She got a little messy but it wasn’t too bad, I got to meet some more of her friends and see some of our mutual friends which was tops. I came late because of Kate’s wedding but still managed to pack in a few hours of socializing before everyone went home. Lucky Miss Jones got an iPhone (amongst other things) for her birthday and I doubt there is any better present for a tech than a gadget. She spent this morning playing with it and setting shit up while I tidied (after I convinced her to let me, I do love cleaning). Funny story – as anyone who knows me can atest, I am not a touchy-feely person. I am not a hugger, I don’t feel the need to touch people in conversation or anything like that. Miss Jones is super affectionate, she will hug and touch everyone and when we first met it was one of the things that made things a little awkward. Now? I can’t not touch her. If I am in arms reach of Miss Jones I will be rubbing her arm, back or leg. I do it without even noticing now and the other day when I was at Dreamworld with Jac I had to actively resist rubbing her arm because I am so used to doing it to Miss Jones, and because I am around her so often I don’t usually have to resist patting someone. Also, I can’t remember if I have mentioned it before, but I found out I follow Miss Jones in her sleep. I am obviously a much deeper sleeper than Miss Jones because I often fall asleep hugging her and don’t wake up when she manages to prise herself from my grasp and fall asleep herself, but I’ve been told that I turn when she turns in bed and constantly manage to wriggle up and spoon her. It’s amusing because with The Ex, I used to wake up because I’d be sleeping on the very edge of the mattress trying to avoid touching him. I think that speaks volumes.
- Kate’s wedding was amazing. Everything about it was just really elegant and classic and so very “Kate”. She looked radiant, the groom looked handsome and it was just charming. The ceremony was really good, the celebrant was fun and it was so sweet to see Kate being all giddy and excited. The food at the reception was totally amazing (deep fried rice balls?? YUM!) and Deb and I had the pleasure of sitting with cool people. Funny story 2: I was talking to Kate’s hairdresser about cutting short hair and mentioned that lots of stylists don’t get short hair, or the difference between boy short hair and girl short hair. The hairdresser started talking about how girl short hair is different and then jokingly said “Yeah, you have to be careful with short hair, if you get it wrong you can look like a lesbian” and I said “I am”. She looked a little mortified and another guy at the table half shouted ‘I knew it, I can always pick you people”. I resisted the urge to tear his face off because he used the term “you people” and laughed about it. I wasn’t offended, I know she didn’t mean to cause offence but people should kind of know that saying shit like that is offensive – some people are actually okay with looking like lesbians because they are. I won’t even start on “you people”, there is just so much wrong with that statement.
Masters Moaning
April 21, 2009
I created a new category for these sorts of posts – “self-indulgent whining”. Let me preface my whinge by highlighting that I do realise how privileged I am. Whining about doing post grad study when some people can’t afford to feed their kids and stuff is entirely fucked, I completely accept and recognise that I am a giant tool in the big scheme of things. Having said this, I am going to whine because if I don’t my brain will explode and then I’ll have some real problems.
This masters is slowly killing me. It’s like a horrible disease that is eating me from the inside out – my stomach is usually in knots from worrying about passing stuff and worrying about all the stuff I have to do and it’s eroding my self confidence because I am perpetually convinced I’ve cocked everything up and am a big, giant spaz because I can’t even do this. Everything I do has a big, black cloud over it because I am constantly thinking about what I should be doing rather than what I am doing.
Despite the fact I still like what I am studying, I hate what my masters represents. It makes me feel stupid and incapable. During my undergrad I had a little fear before every assignment that I might actually fail something but fundamentally I believed that I’d piss through it. Now? Now, I am entirely convinced that I won’t earn my masters. If I can even submit everything that is required, regardless of whether it passes or not, I will be ecstatic. I can’t even imagine what will happen if I actually do earn it by some incredible miracle.
I’m going to try and organise some sort of timetable. It might not make any different to my results or anything but it might just preserve the last tiny remains of my mental health and if I can escape this year with my sanity intact, I’ll consider it a win. I am going to spend four hours a day on this, preferably 9am – 12pm. I work best in the mornings, it leaves me evenings to do stuff (like Miss Jones) and it means I can go straight from bed to books which reduces the likelihood that I will get sucked into Facebook or TV and get fucking nothing else done. I think my current panic attack is caused by the fact that from tomorrow evening to Monday morning, I won’t have time to scratch myself. Almost very second of every day is crammed full of something and while I just love being busy (and it’s all awesome stuff that I will be busy with) it also makes me freak out because there is no room for dicking around, and having dicking around time is my safety net.
That is it, I am pretty well exhuasted from using up all my energy on stressing. This is probably the biggest flip out I have had since having my brain candy which is awesome, because I used to be this fever pitch about like running five minutes late or forgetting to wear perfume but bad because it’s not fun to be this tense.
Anyways, tell me a story because I need to think about other junk. I want to know what you had for breakfast. This morning I had pesto and feta scrambled eggs with Miss Jones at a cafe at uni, it was yummy. Miss Jones had bacon, seeing as she is pretty much an anti-vegetarian which sounds like it wouldn’t work, but it’s kinda awesome seeing as we can order one meal and eat our respective bits. I also had an orange juice and a skinny latte which was a shit idea because juice and milky drinks aren’t great together, in case you hadn’t thought about it.
