Somewhere, something incredible is waiting to be known

September 25, 2009

Escaping

Filed under: All Filler No Killer — by Jen Somewhere @ 8:58 pm

Right, so as I said, I’ll discuss why I think I have Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder or something else equally messed up happening in my head.

For the last couple of months, at least a couple of times a week since I left my last teaching job, I’ve been having nightmares. Not your average nightmares with monsters or being chased or anything, nightmares about my bosses in Japan. In the dreams I am always trapped and I have to try and escape. I always have to find the words that will allow me to get out of the school without them doing anything to me or hurting me so I can be free. I always have to be very sweet and nice and kind of trick them into getting out the front door without making them overly angry so they don’t try and get me. The night I quit is still incredibly vivid and played out the same way as the dream always do, I just wanted to find the words so I could get out the door without being hit. He’d never hit me personally, but he had hit the kids and his own family so I have little doubt he would have hit the staff if he felt the need.

Every time I have these dreams I get incredibly stressed and incredibly nervous. I’ve started sleeping with my jaws and fists clenched again (something that I stopped doing when the brain candy kicked in) and I’m averaging about five hours of sleep a night nowadays when I used to get eight hours without even trying.

I knew the job (or the bosses rather) stressed me out a huge amount, but I didn’t realise how much it affected me. I still worry that they will have somehow found me in Australia and have come back to get some sort of revenge. I often dream that after I manage to quit school and go back to my apartment they are waiting there for me. It’s not as far fetched as it sounds, they were both incredibly angry and vindictive people when they chose to be, and he in particular could be quite heavy handed, even violent at times. I won’t for a second deny that I was and am still terrified of them.

I don’t know why the dreams have become so frequent. I’ve had them ever since I did really quit, but they weren’t too often – maybe once every few weeks, never several times a week like now. I almost go to sleep now preparing for a terrible night’s sleep and wondering in what circumstances the dream will play out tonight. I suppose it might have something to do with me having lost a huge amount of self confidence in my last job, so now I don’t feel capable of dealing with a situation?  Maybe starting a business that is so intrinsically tied to my self-confidence (which is lacking at the moment) has opened the floodgates for past anxieties? Maybe Miss Jones leaving has just upset the teetering apple cart that is my sanity a little too much and now random fears are flooding back? In addition, I’m also having a falling dream at least once a night,and I just looked and found it’s a common indication of insecurities and anxiety, awesome. Whatever it is, it’s not fun. I’m sick of being tired all the time and waking up with a knot in my stomach.

Thoughts and feelings?? Anyone else ever had a real life event play out over and over again in your dream? How did you fix it?

September 24, 2009

And live the rest of our lives, but not together…

Filed under: Everyday, Lady Loving — by Jen Somewhere @ 9:42 am

I had a conversation that was long overdue this morning. The feelings and thoughts that have been gnawing at me for a few weeks now have settled. I wouldn’t be surprised if I can start sleeping properly again.

Before I go on, let me explain something first:

Lesbians are dramatic, anyone who tries to tell you otherwise is lying. Of course there are some of us who are less work than others, but on the whole we are a passionate people. When two lesbians meet, your immediately have to work out whether or not you’d sleep with the other party. If the answer is no then you can go about being BFF and everything is gravy*. If the answer ranges from “Maybe if I was kinda tipsy” to “Hellz yes, let me unzip my jeans right now”, then shit is gonna get complex. If it’s towards the higher end of the spectrum you will either a) hook up, realize that you didn’t want to and then shit will go back to normal b) hook up, fall madly in love and end up moving in together and adopting a puppy in 6 months c) hook up, bicker, have a wicked scrag fight, bitch about the other party to your friends, hook up again when you are both tipsy, rinse and repeat or d)Let the mutual interest bubble away for however long until it becomes clear one party is more invested and then you get to go the unrequited love route, or a/b/c happens.

* Or things will be perpetually strange and weird for the entirity of your friendship, although that is rare.

So Miss Jones has kinda met someone. I won’t lie, it felt like I had been punched in the stomach when I first found out. I dealt with it fantastically by crying a bunch and becoming a snarky, passive-aggressive bitch whenever I spoke to her. It wasn’t even so much the meeting someone that bothered me, I knew it was bound to happen, it was the time that it happened that got to me.

She’s been gone about a month and I’ve only known for a couple of weeks that it was certain she wasn’t coming home. I know from being OS that a month away from home feels like six months and so many things happen so fast, but to everyone at home a month is just four weeks of doing the same shit as you’ve always done. So that made me appreciate the situation a bit more. Miss Jones also explained that she has to meet people because she knows no one. Although I didn’t and still don’t want her to ever justify her actions to me, but that was a really good point. I don’t want her to sit in her room and be miserable, I want her to have a good time. I know from knowing a bunch of lesbians that when you meet new girls, it’s inevitable that someone is gonna fall for someone else.

Just for some added mental anguish I recently convinced myself that the entire time we were together than she was actually unhappy and was glad to be rid of me and free to see other people. I needed to explain this to her because it’s what had been eating at me for a week now. Because she is lovely, Miss Jones assured me that it was not the case and that she enjoyed our time together. Is there even anything better that you could ask for after a relationship ends? I don’t want her to sit and pine for me (I do enough of that for both of us :P ), I don’t want to create drama now that makes her glad she is rid of me, I just really wanted to lay my cards on the table so things don’t start to get bottled up.

Coming back was mentioned and the idea that I won’t be waiting for her if she does. It’s true, I’m not waiting. But I am also not not waiting. If someone comes along I won’t be turning down an opportunity to be happy with someone else for the sake of Miss Jones, and I wouldn’t want her to do that either. But if she does come back, and does want to see how things go again, I can’t say I wouldn’t try it. I so wanted to be the pious bitch who would tell her to fuck off for passing up the chance for happily ever after with me once before, but I don’t even mean that in the slightest. I totally get why she went away, I did the exact same thing. I don’t even have any feelings of bitterness anymore now that the air has been cleared, I understand why she is doing what she is doing and ultimately I want her to be happy, regardless of whether I am a part of that so when you have no feelings of ill will, it is very hard to try and be bitchy about stuff.

If she was to come back, I feel I would forever regret the opportunity to see where things might have gone. I still have a feeling of unfinished business. Not in the “You killed my father, and now I will murder your family to avenge his death” way, but more like if you were playing mini golf and it started raining so you had to finish early. It won’t be the same game you would have played if you didn’t stop, but there is every chance you can still have a good time once you started again.

I feel so much better about things. Even though nothing has changed I really needed to get those ideas out of my head and I so appreciate Miss Jones explaining her side of stuff to me. I finally feel like I have had the right amount of closure on this now that I can move on without looking back but not so much closure that I’m glad it’s just over and I’m left with a bad taste in my mouth. I love her, but I am not in love with her anymore. Things are good.

Next post? I’m pretty sure I’ve got post-traumatic stress disorder from working in Japan. Fun times.

September 23, 2009

All Filler, No Killer

Filed under: All Filler No Killer, Business-y Stuff — by Jen Somewhere @ 8:07 am
  • Party Stache!Allow me to gush for a moment. I won a new digital camera yesterday!! Samsung has a competition on Twitter where everyday they give away one of their new ST500 cameras, they have little challenges or photo comps and then they choose the fastest reply or the best photo and that person wins a camera. Yesterday, that person was ME! I really wanted a new digital camera, and tried on two other days to win and missed out but yesterday I cracked it! How? Well…they were looking for the funniest picture. All I can say is that the fingerstache just paid for itself! I’ll let you know when it arrives! (If you want to try and win, follow #samsungcapture and play!)
  • Winning shit is awesome. I so wanted a new camera to do photos for my online store, but the concept of “wanting” is pretty much pointless when you are living as a starving artist. This has made such a big difference! I am so thankful to have won. Now I just need to find some way to “win” the minimum payment on my credit card…
  • SeptumI got my septum pierced the other day. Reactions have ranged from absolute horror (D’Olds) to truly liking it (friends). I like it, I don’t think it’s glaringly obvious and I have a little nose and a pretty symmetrical face, so it works. It’s healing really beautifully, far better than previous nostril piercings have done, I suspect that the piercing might be as motivated by spite as I am. What do you think? The photo is from me fucking around with Photobooth the other day, I am often slightly more attractive than this picture shows.
  • I’m madly making stock so I can open my online store really soon. I was planning to do some photos the day after tomorrow but I think I’ll wait until the new camera arrives, which means I’ve got a few more days to get some more stuff made. I’ll link when it’s officially open. I am feeling pretty chuffed with it, I’ve got some stuff left over from the last time I sold online but also a bunch of new goodies. I expect to be rich and/or famous by Christmas!
  • Bootcamp starts again next week. I’ve been off for a month now so I am pretty terrified of how much fitness I will have lost in that time (but not so terrified I’ve been running during my time off). I had some hip pain for a while and it was worse after the Bridge to Brisbane so I saw a chiro to get straightened out (lolz, straightened out). I feel heaps better after only one session – I need to go get x-rays before my next visit, one leg is slightly longer than the other, my shoulders are frozen up like ice and I had so many cracks waiting to come out from all up my back, but that will all get sorted. She also recommended a good massage to loosen everything up, but the idea of being touched by a stranger makes me tense up, so I’m not sure how that would go?

September 21, 2009

Tastes Like Spam

Filed under: Open Letter — by Jen Somewhere @ 2:16 pm

Hello, [Hi, just a note for next time. When you offer someone 19 million dollars you should probably address the email using their full name]

I am Kun Chun, a permissible practitioner. [Wouldn't you call yourself a lawyer, or an attorney or something? Permissible Practitioner makes you sound dodgy]A departed patron of mine, that shares the same last name as yours, died as a consequence of a heart correlated situation on January 12th 2005 [It took over five years to get in contact with me?! Does a permissible practitioner really get that much work!? Also, I've got a pretty Caucasian last name, I suspect there isn't many people, much less entire families, who share my same last name]. His heart situation was due to the passing away of all the members of his family in the tsunami catastrophe on the 26th December2004 in Sumatra Indonesia. [I can see how that would affect a person] http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/2004_Indian_Ocean_earthquake [How thoughtful to include wiki entry for me, this makes me reassured they are legit]

I am contacting you to request your permission to present you as the recipient to my late patron. He has a deposit of (US$19,000,000). [I have concerns with this, not least of all is the fact I am not even a "he". I feel this will make the task difficult]


 This will be accomplished under a justifiable pact that will shield you against any permissible implication. [A pact?! Why don't we just go ahead and pinky swear on it?] If this dealing suggestion affronts your ethical principles, do acknowledge my request for forgiveness.[Note that he doesn't give you an out should it affront your ethical principles, he just apologizes for it]

I can be reached on: kunchun2@gmail.com

Kun Chun.

Attorney At Law.

[Why not just call yourself that in the first place]

This is one of the better spam emails I’ve been sent. It’s relativity coherent, not glaring spelling or grammar error and bonus points for not being somehow related to a Nigerian prince. I do appreciate the unique ideas, sharing the same last name? Tsunami related? Nice work.

I’m was almost tempted to email back…then I remembered I don’t give a shit.

Happy Monday!!

September 16, 2009

Riddle Me This….

Filed under: All Filler No Killer, Everyday — by Jen Somewhere @ 9:13 pm

I’m searching for jobs at the moment and the vast majority of them require experience in whatever field the job is in. How do you get experience if no one will hire you because you are inexperienced?? The only jobs that seem to be entirely unconcerned with experienced staff are those which require you to “model” wearing the barest of minimums when it comes to clothing, fund raising minions who hassle people on the streets or outbound phone jockeys. I am not especially interested in pursuing any of those opportunities.

Granted, I am a trained and qualified teacher but surely some of these skills and the ones I picked up while at uni could be considered transferrable to other industries??

1) I’ve dealt with some truly shitty parents, including the one who threatened to wait for me in the car park because I dared to reprimand her child who had shoved someone else off the flying fox because she wanted a turn*. Surely this makes me, in some small way, able to bring a degree of problem solving and conflict resolution to the table. *I can say I have this skill because I was not beaten in the carpark. Problem = solved.

2) I’ve been at uni for eight years, all together. I can create the SHIT out of a range of documents.

3) I teach children, that’s team working right there. Anyone who thinks the kids do what teachers want is sadly mistaken. Any teacher knows that it’s all about working together.

4) I was a phone jockey at an insurance company for two years. I can handle phonecalls.

5) And high volume data entry.

6) And file management.

It seems like I am painfully unsuitable for almost all shit-kicking admin type jobs out there. I don’t even want something full time! I understand the job market is absolutely flooded at the moment and now employers are able to actually choose experienced and qualified staff for even the most mundane positions, but really, there is nothing out there I can do aside from teaching??

Let’s hope that when I launch my web store and start doing markets that I become wildly successful and then this whole bother with requiring an alternative source of income will just fade away. Alternatively I’ll happy write for money or simply just get paid to be awesome. Any or all of those options would just be gravy.

September 12, 2009

B to the A to the C to the K

Filed under: Business-y Stuff, Hobbies — by Jen Somewhere @ 5:27 pm

Once again I am back on my sunny home shores. Arriving in Brisbane is just awesome, being able to walk outside and immediately suck in some Vitamin D, it’s magic!

I return with a new sense of purpose and direction, a fat belly and a tan (curiously enough). Turns out taking two weeks off boot camp to piss off overseas where you eat a steady diet of whatever the fuck you please makes you feel, and look, chubby. Boot camp resumes for me on Monday, so hopefully my new spare tyre won’t last long. I also don’t have the junk food/ chocolate on tap like I had when we were away so by default I will be eating better. Not to worry, it feels like maybe two kilos so it’s not like I need to be fork-lifted out of the house or anything, so you know, silver lining right there.

My other goal for the moment is to get my online store up and running as soon as possible. I’m aiming to keep the stuff online as the stuff I have in multiples and the stuff at my stall the “one offs”. The stuff online is hardly going to be mass produced – seeing as 1) I make it all myself 2) I only use materials I get in very limited quantities so a production line is really nothing I am capable of alone, the biggest run of things I have at the moment is eight items. It just makes maintaining stock levels and listing items so much easier. When you’ve only gotta spread shit out on a table, then it doesn’t matter if everything is unique because they don’t all have to be photographed, captioned, described and tagged. Plus, I need to have a bit of an incentive for people to come see me and buy my stuff (aside from the opportunity to bask in my glorious presence, of course). Be patient, chickens, I hope to splash a well stocked website all over you by the end of next week.

September 7, 2009

Wins

Filed under: Business-y Stuff, The good stuff — by Jen Somewhere @ 8:26 pm

Yesterday:

  • Great jeans
  • Eat in Pizza Hut
  • Step Brothers on the hotel movie channel
  • Africa on the radio

Today:

  • Wearing aforementioned jeans
  • Good hair
  • Going to a surprisingly awesome Prawn Farm.
  • Coconut Rough chocolate
  • Finding an amazing bead store in Napier
  • Napier itself, I could move here tomorrow
  • Getting the new schedule for BootCamp

Rather than dwell on the crapness of things, I’m just going to focus my time and energy on the good shit. I do believe in self fulfilling prophecies so the more I think about the crap that is happening, the more it will happen. I watched a Tony Robbinson clip that my trainer sent to me and it’s all about how if you want something and do everything in your power to make it happen, chances are it will work, when it works you feel all chuffed and believe you can do stuff and it just becomes this cycle of positive action.

It’s not even airy, fairy hippy bullshit – If you think you can pass an exam and study heaps and then you do pass, you think “Fuck yeah, that was awesome! I’m gonna go study more, I can totally do this”. If you don’t really think you can, you don’t really study to hard because it all feels pointless and then you fail. You assume you are crap at everything because you fail and never bother trying stuff again. I know it happens, I’ve lived it for years. Now, I’m going to create a positive cycle and manifest great things, I don’t want mediocrity anymore.

I saw a t-shirt the other day that said “One day they’ll make a movie about me”. Remember those words, kittens.

September 6, 2009

Perfect Jeans

Filed under: Everyday — by Jen Somewhere @ 2:47 pm

This arvo, after some mandatory family fun times, I got to do some shopping (and thusly recharge my sanity). The Warehouse at home is like a really shitty variety store. Like Crazy Clarks or something, except in my experiences stuff from The Warehouse is usually broken, has bits missing or has been interfered with by small children. Aside from like some cheap and nasty Christmas decoration, I don’t usually buy anything from that store.

In New Zealand, however, it seems to be a fairly decent variety store, kinda like KMart. It has clothes and shoes and makeup and jewellery, none of the stuff is stocks back at home. Anyhoo, I looked in there today and they had some nice looking jeans. They were super cheap so I decided to try them on and……perfection. Everything I could want in a pair of jeans and then some. Really nice wash, super long legs, fit beautifully and for like $35. Epic win!! I bought two pairs because it’s not everyday you find great jeans.

I am choosing to see this as a sign that my luck is changing. Any girl knows how rare finding great jeans is, so I am not going to downplay the significance of this act.

On a side note, clothing in the stores I’ve been to so far stock an amazing range of sizes! From 8 to 28!! In Australia most “normal” shops stock up to a 16 or 18, even plus size shops stop at about a 24, I’d guess. So 28 in a regular store is just amazing, I was looking through racks and had trouble finding things that were small enough for me! You could not have self esteem issues if you lived here, there would always be clothes to fit into!

September 5, 2009

Confirmation

Filed under: Pity Party — by Jen Somewhere @ 4:16 pm

As I anticipated, Miss Jones is not coming back.

I feel like I’ve been punched in the stomach. I’ve been trying to prepare myself for that outcome, but I guess I was never going to quite believe it until she told me.

It’s balls. It’s good if you are Miss Jones, but I’m not, so I don’t like it.Yes, selfish, but I don’t even care. It fucking sucks, I am sick of this shitty luck and the people I love leaving. Why? Why don’t I deserve to have my people around me?

September 2, 2009

Up, Up and Away

Filed under: Happy Holidays, Up Up and Away! — by Jen Somewhere @ 11:24 am

Well kittens, I am off for a while.

Headed to NZ with The Olds until the end of next week. We leave for the airport in four hours and I’m yet to drag out my suitcase, being lazy is what I do best.

It’ll either be rad (yeah, a new country, cool new shit to explore) or shitty (spending 10 days with The Olds, 24/7) but in any case I am sure I’ll come back with some stories.

Taking my Mac so I will try to be online where ever possible. We’ll see if the Land of the Long White Cloud is also Land of the Free and Plentiful Wifi. Catch you on the flip side, cool cats!

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